Stepping into the light

[Polly Brooks]

Hi, after seeing my mother my therapist of 8 years suggested we both read the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells"  she had been unwilling to suggest that my sibling had BDP until she heard exactly the same kinds of descriptions of events and actions from another family member.  My mom devoured the book and had been having therapy with my sibling for a bit.  I resisted thinking that there was a disorder.  I had disconnected with my sibling because I just couldn't take the insistence that I was in effect a horrible person.  It's been quite a while and my sibling reached out to me asking if we could go to therapy.   I decided to read the book and feel like I have stepped into the light.  I have some appointments scheduled with her and would love some direction on what to read or do before I step into this space.  As I write this I'm terrified that they will see this and explode at me with the furry of a thousand suns.  Please help,
Thanks

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi PB! 

I'm so glad that you found us and have shared your post with us! You'll find lots of caring people here who really get it. We are good listeners, freely sharing from our own struggles and hurts and pains of having a pwBPD (person with BPD) in our lives. Mine was my mom.

Sounds like you found some validation in the pages of the book! I think it is an amazing thing when the light suddenly comes on, and a whole new world is opening up to you. When you mentioned about the T, is it with your sister, the one who has BPD traits? Will this T be at her request, yours, or your mom's? Just trying to understand more clearly.

What was one of the biggest light bulb moments to you as you read the book?

 
Wools

[Harri]

Hi!  I want to join Wools in saying to the board.  As she said, we really do get it here.

When do the therapy sessions start?  I am not sure I understand the purpose of them.  Is it to get the two of you talking with each other again or is there some other goal?  Just curious as it is hard to recommend what to read without more details, even if you tell us what your greatest issue is with her.  I know you mentioned you could not tolerate being told you were a horrible person.  Can you describe a situation where she said this to you?  Details will help us guide you.

As I write this I'm terrified that they will see this and explode at me with the furry of a thousand suns.

A lot of members have this fear.  I can tell you that no one gets found here without user error being part of the equation.  So make sure you picked a user name that can not be linked to you and close all windows and clear your cache.    Also, do not share with anyone that you are posting online.  We have over a 100,000 members and more than 2 million posts so being found accidentally does not happen.  --- gee, that came off like a lecture.  Sorry.  Just be safe as you do not want to lose your safe place which this is.

Please help,

We've got you.  We all work together to support each other as we try to navigate these complex relationship and heal some of the damage.

As for reading material, you might want to start with the following link which will take you to the most relevant articles and posts we have for new members: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=334882.0

Again, welcome. 

[Polly Brooks]

Hi PB!  

I'm so glad that you found us and have shared your post with us! You'll find lots of caring people here who really get it. We are good listeners, freely sharing from our own struggles and hurts and pains of having a pwBPD (person with BPD) in our lives. Mine was my mom.

It's my sister.  She is a therapist herself who refuses to engage in therapy.  

Sounds like you found some validation in the pages of the book! I think it is an amazing thing when the light suddenly comes on, and a whole new world is opening up to you. When you mentioned about the T, is it with your sister, the one who has BPD traits? Will this T be at her request, yours, or your mom's? Just trying to understand more clearly.

She wanted to go to therapy because we haven't spoken since June.  I felt I had to disengage.
She had a rage storm at both my mom and I in late May and I just had to disengage.  She lived in Austin at the time as did my mother.  She has moved and my mother is on a long trip.  She wanted to come to where I live and see my therapist of 8 years and I felt like that was a bad idea.  I suggested she find a therapist in her new town and establish a relationship with them then I would come when the therapist felt it was appropriate.  She felt like I was suggesting she needed therapy and became upset.  Finally we agreed to both travel to see the therapist she and my mom had worked with this summer.

What was one of the biggest light bulb moments to you as you read the book?

I think when I was reading about what the non bdp people had experienced.  

[Polly Brooks]

Hi!  I want to join Wools in saying to the board.  As she said, we really do get it here.

When do the therapy sessions start?  I am not sure I understand the purpose of them.  Is it to get the two of you talking with each other again or is there some other goal?

End of the month.  She and my mom visited with this therapist and they both felt like they found some boundaries.  The goal is a way for us both to feel safe in our relationship.  

Just curious as it is hard to recommend what to read without more details, even if you tell us what your greatest issue is with her.  I know you mentioned you could not tolerate being told you were a horrible person.  Can you describe a situation where she said this to you?  Details will help us guide you.

This is from an email she sent me.  Her description of the pattern is that she is doing nothing wrong just going about her perfectly good girl life and then.

"I think that you care a lot. I get that I become unreasonably angry. I have been working on that for a long time. Part of the issue is how I communicate. I can say, "that hurts my feelings, that will make me angry or I am becoming angry". No one pays any attention. I blow my top and everyone treats me like I am unreasonable or crazy (because by then I am) and that makes me angrier."

When she "blows her top" its with these accusations about how I'm / we are somehow trampling her.  I'm conniving, I'm selfish, I'm uncaring.  All things I KNOW are not true.  These accusations make me want to defend myself and that gets nowhere.  She is ALWAYS right.  She might seam like she accepts what I'm saying then the next time she "blows her top" the same accusations that I felt we resolved come flying back out.  
 

A lot of members have this fear.  I can tell you that no one gets found here without user error being part of the equation.  So make sure you picked a user name that can not be linked to you and close all windows and clear your cache.    Also, do not share with anyone that you are posting online.  We have over a 100,000 members and more than 2 million posts so being found accidentally does not happen.  --- gee, that came off like a lecture.  Sorry.

No, it's fine.  I understand that doing anything to set off the bdp in your life is frightening so being safe here is VERY important.

 Just be safe as you do not want to lose your safe place which this is.
We've got you.  We all work together to support each other as we try to navigate these complex relationship and heal some of the damage.

As for reading material, you might want to start with the following link which will take you to the most relevant articles and posts we have for new members: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=334882.0

thanks so much

ps it took me forever to find the way to respond.