bpd mom not speaking to me, but coming to visit

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My bpd mother often says hurtful things to me with regard to my sexuality. Often these comments are overt and direct. Sometimes they are more subtle. But it has been happening over many, many years. I made a gentle suggestion via email that she consider joining PFLAG. I sent the email to my father to get his opinion on whether she may be receptive.

My father reacted extremely poorly and defended her. Then, he showed her the email, and she stopped speaking to me. This was approximately one year ago.

My father since has apologized for his reaction and admits that my mother does in fact say these things. But, he has been trying to get me to apologize to her for the last year so that things can get back to "normal."

I have had a single conversation with her since then: a five-minute call on my birthday where she pretended nothing was wrong. Now, both parents are coming to visit this weekend.

They are staying in a hotel. I am an anxious wreck. I do not know what to expect or how to act. Anybody experience anything similar, or have any suggestions?

[timegrl]

My bpd mother often says hurtful things to me with regard to my sexuality. Often these comments are overt and direct. Sometimes they are more subtle. But it has been happening over many, many years. I made a gentle suggestion via email that she consider joining PFLAG. I sent the email to my father to get his opinion on whether she may be receptive.

My father reacted extremely poorly and defended her. Then, he showed her the email, and she stopped speaking to me. This was approximately one year ago.

My father since has apologized for his reaction and admits that my mother does in fact say these things. But, he has been trying to get me to apologize to her for the last year so that things can get back to "normal."

I have had a single conversation with her since then: a five-minute call on my birthday where she pretended nothing was wrong. Now, both parents are coming to visit this weekend.

They are staying in a hotel. I am an anxious wreck. I do not know what to expect or how to act. Anybody experience anything similar, or have any suggestions?

[zachira]

My heart hurts more than I can express when you describe your concerns about the upcoming visit with your mother with BPD who is not speaking to you. I am glad your parents are staying in a hotel and not at your home. I was raised by a mother with BPD and the list of hurtful things she said to me over the years like: "Of course, you were an unplanned pregancy. Do you think I wanted two babies so close together?" The fact that my mother with BPD had no ability to see me as a separate person caused me endless pain and anger. I found the one strategy that worked to shield me from her mean behaviors was to not be alone with her and as much as possible have others around that she wanted to make a good impression upon and did not want to show her mean side to. Do you have a friend or some friends that will make sure there is no opportunity to be alone with your mother? It sounds like part of the problem is that it is two against one, that your father supports your mother's behaviors by insisting that you apologize to her when it is your mother who should apologize to you. My father also enabled my mother and asked me not to upset her. There are many members who post on this site who have similar problems with a mother with BPD and a father that enables her who are here to listen and help you in any way they can. Keep us posted on how you are doing.

[Harri]

Hi!  I am glad you came back to us. 

I agree with zachira about having others around you if possible.   Another strategy is to pick public places to visit, dinner out, movie, etc so that they are on their best behavior and there can be a time limit built in (ex dinner in a restaurant can only last so long).

How long are they visiting for?  Will your wife be with you and can the two of you sort of tag team the conversations and such?

Having your mother put down your sexuality is painful and I would imagine quite frustrating.  Can you tell her a simple and calm "knock it off" (in your own words of course) when she says something offensive and inappropriate?  There is no reason to sit there while taking insults and doing so only perpetuates the problems.   What do you think?

I am an anxious wreck.

Of course you are.  She is hurtful, and I read your previous posts where you said you do not like who you become when you are around her, that you shut down after about an hour.  That is tough to deal with but it can change with work and time. 

I do not know what to expect or how to act. Anybody experience anything similar, or have any suggestions?

Think about this.  You know how your parents will act based on years of experience.  There will be rude comments and put downs.  There may be rages.  Expect them and plan accordingly as best you can.  Work with us here and we can help with options etc.   Change the way you react and instead respond.  They will get upset and your father will want to re-stabilize things (as usual).

I just moved this thread here that you might want to read to get a better handle on where your father in particular is coming from:  The Problem with Change  See what you think and let me know if it helps you think things through.