Lost it tonight; where to go from here?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I have been to this site before, but just now finished registering.  I am hopeful but reticent to post as I am feeling at the end of my rope and kinda silly for needing to post here...sigh!

She got me again...

So I never post anything "controversial" on FB because mom will react and we will have an "episode" where I am the biggest piece of crap on the planet. 

I am 57 and tired and done.  I have been for many years but I have stopped trying to make it work.  I have super strict boundaries; but even with those every 2 years she gets me good. 

So today I posted something "unapproved" and a friend and I posted a few comments.  It felt good to have my opinion on my page!  Then mom commented, my friend responded and I commented back.  First time in years because I knew what would happen.

She made her comment, derogatory to me, and then called.  I answered the phone and said are you really going to do this?  Game on.  I was mad.  Sick and tired of not being able to post an opinion and I told her so.  I told her that if she didn't cease and desist (SP?) I would block her on FB.  She said you comment on my page and I slipped and said I stopped following you a long time ago.  I want to post to my page and if you don't like it, that's okay, unfollow me.  No need to comment, etc.  I kinda lost it. 

When she started in with the "you abused me, etc." I hung up.  I am all too familiar with the litany of trash she would throw at me.  She called back, I answered and immediately hung up.  She called, she called...I turned my phone off.  I didn't want to because that meant that the message would be left because she is going to have her say no matter what!

I did good...I only listened to 2 seconds of each...enough to know not to listen.  Whew!  did I get an earful in that 4 seconds.

I just read an article about BPD mothers and how they wear out everyone in their life (so true, 2 folks that join her or ignore her in her onslaughts) and it said by 50 or 60 most kids are done.

I am a Christian and have struggled with the guilt of "honoring thy mother" and self-preservation. I keep inching and then foot"ing" further and further away.

I moved 6 years ago, went through a church imploding and am finding it very hard to find people who I want to connect to.  I am hyperaware of others shortcomings.  Still find that I attract narcissistic types and frankly it scares me!  Terrifies me!  I lost my husband 12 1/2 years ago and don't have children.  I was terrified that I would be a mother like her and couldn't bring myself to risk it.  So here I am 57 alone and finding that I like the peace and quiet.  I speak with my neighbors, I attend church and have friends I do things with, and attend a Bible study and lead a Bible study...so I don't think I am isolating.  But...my mind tickles with the thought...I am like her and people don't want to be around me.  I have asked a couple of friends and they don't see it that way.  They think I am friendly, outgoing, receptive and nice.  Maybe it is just my mother's voice in the back of my mind, telling me I see everything wrong, don't have good memories, am horrible, etc.

Tonight she told me I have a Cinderella complex and she can prove it because there are pictures of me that would show it.  What?  so crazy!  literally!

I have done counseling and made great strides and am generally good at not taking it to heart.  She got me to night.  I could feel how elevated my blood pressure was and I was loud in my comments.  Of course, she felt she had hooked me because I showed emotion and then she started to reel me in.  I hung in time...kinda.

I took a few minutes to do some deep breathing but knew I wouldn't sleep and needed more.  After reading 2 articles, I actually laughed because one of the examples was spot-on and I realized that I was being drawn into the web.  Whew!  narrow escape!

I have the feelings the article talked about; wishing I didn't have to deal with her any more.  Being truthful with myself that I don't like her and she makes life so difficult.

4 years ago (we had almost 2 years of kinda calm) I told her that as she aged, and as I am the only child, she would need help and I wanted her to move close.  I started to try to find a house for her near me (3,000 miles separates us) so that I could help her.  She had a ton of excuses about why she couldn't move.  She got made at me because I surprised her and looked at a house that she might like.  I told her I was done helping and trying.  She tried to draw me into it one other time about a year later (I went and looked at a house - but then talked her out of it when I realized that I was acting CRAZY!).  I am so grateful that she is so far away.  She won't travel any more and I have put off her requests to travel there.  The last time I visited I kept it to 4 days because the time before I stayed for 2 weeks and when I got home I couldn't reach her for almost a week.  She told me later that she had been in a hospital because she wanted to commit suicide after I left. 

I feel guilty but know it is what is needed.  DISTANCE and perhaps SILENCE - for a few months and maybe longer.  Sadly, my life is so much better when I don't have to engage.

I wish their were a support group near me or a counselor who understood BPD.

I am hopeful that this site will bring some much needed understanding and support.

Thanks for listening.  I will now see what resources I may find.

I pray that all on here find the peace and calm needed. 

[Zebra4510]

I have been to this site before, but just now finished registering.  I am hopeful but reticent to post as I am feeling at the end of my rope and kinda silly for needing to post here...sigh!

She got me again...

So I never post anything "controversial" on FB because mom will react and we will have an "episode" where I am the biggest piece of crap on the planet. 

I am 57 and tired and done.  I have been for many years but I have stopped trying to make it work.  I have super strict boundaries; but even with those every 2 years she gets me good. 

So today I posted something "unapproved" and a friend and I posted a few comments.  It felt good to have my opinion on my page!  Then mom commented, my friend responded and I commented back.  First time in years because I knew what would happen.

She made her comment, derogatory to me, and then called.  I answered the phone and said are you really going to do this?  Game on.  I was mad.  Sick and tired of not being able to post an opinion and I told her so.  I told her that if she didn't cease and desist (SP?) I would block her on FB.  She said you comment on my page and I slipped and said I stopped following you a long time ago.  I want to post to my page and if you don't like it, that's okay, unfollow me.  No need to comment, etc.  I kinda lost it. 

When she started in with the "you abused me, etc." I hung up.  I am all too familiar with the litany of trash she would throw at me.  She called back, I answered and immediately hung up.  She called, she called...I turned my phone off.  I didn't want to because that meant that the message would be left because she is going to have her say no matter what!

I did good...I only listened to 2 seconds of each...enough to know not to listen.  Whew!  did I get an earful in that 4 seconds.

I just read an article about BPD mothers and how they wear out everyone in their life (so true, 2 folks that join her or ignore her in her onslaughts) and it said by 50 or 60 most kids are done.

I am a Christian and have struggled with the guilt of "honoring thy mother" and self-preservation. I keep inching and then foot"ing" further and further away.

I moved 6 years ago, went through a church imploding and am finding it very hard to find people who I want to connect to.  I am hyperaware of others shortcomings.  Still find that I attract narcissistic types and frankly it scares me!  Terrifies me!  I lost my husband 12 1/2 years ago and don't have children.  I was terrified that I would be a mother like her and couldn't bring myself to risk it.  So here I am 57 alone and finding that I like the peace and quiet.  I speak with my neighbors, I attend church and have friends I do things with, and attend a Bible study and lead a Bible study...so I don't think I am isolating.  But...my mind tickles with the thought...I am like her and people don't want to be around me.  I have asked a couple of friends and they don't see it that way.  They think I am friendly, outgoing, receptive and nice.  Maybe it is just my mother's voice in the back of my mind, telling me I see everything wrong, don't have good memories, am horrible, etc.

Tonight she told me I have a Cinderella complex and she can prove it because there are pictures of me that would show it.  What?  so crazy!  literally!

I have done counseling and made great strides and am generally good at not taking it to heart.  She got me to night.  I could feel how elevated my blood pressure was and I was loud in my comments.  Of course, she felt she had hooked me because I showed emotion and then she started to reel me in.  I hung in time...kinda.

I took a few minutes to do some deep breathing but knew I wouldn't sleep and needed more.  After reading 2 articles, I actually laughed because one of the examples was spot-on and I realized that I was being drawn into the web.  Whew!  narrow escape!

I have the feelings the article talked about; wishing I didn't have to deal with her any more.  Being truthful with myself that I don't like her and she makes life so difficult.

4 years ago (we had almost 2 years of kinda calm) I told her that as she aged, and as I am the only child, she would need help and I wanted her to move close.  I started to try to find a house for her near me (3,000 miles separates us) so that I could help her.  She had a ton of excuses about why she couldn't move.  She got made at me because I surprised her and looked at a house that she might like.  I told her I was done helping and trying.  She tried to draw me into it one other time about a year later (I went and looked at a house - but then talked her out of it when I realized that I was acting CRAZY!).  I am so grateful that she is so far away.  She won't travel any more and I have put off her requests to travel there.  The last time I visited I kept it to 4 days because the time before I stayed for 2 weeks and when I got home I couldn't reach her for almost a week.  She told me later that she had been in a hospital because she wanted to commit suicide after I left. 

I feel guilty but know it is what is needed.  DISTANCE and perhaps SILENCE - for a few months and maybe longer.  Sadly, my life is so much better when I don't have to engage.

I wish their were a support group near me or a counselor who understood BPD.

I am hopeful that this site will bring some much needed understanding and support.

Thanks for listening.  I will now see what resources I may find.

I pray that all on here find the peace and calm needed. 

[TelHill]

Hello Zebra,  

Welcome! I saw your other post from last year. I posted a few years ago for a couple of times and left. I was really busy with other things and let my own needs slide.

As a gentle suggestion, you can customize the audience for an FB post. Your mom or any FB friend who might accidentally tell her about a particular post can be left out of the loop. No one’s business who you share your social media posts with.

I have had it a lot of times. This is it crosses my mind a lot. It’s not fair to have a bpd mom. I care give to my 90+ mom & enabler dad. There’s a lot of pressure and anxiety care giving normal people. Adding unpredictable, manipulative & cruel to the mix ratchets up the anxiety for me.

The tips and suggestions on the site help defuse some situations. My mom gets on my nerves by coming into my room 5 times within a few hours asking silly things. I used to say, I don’t know why you’re doing this. Please give me my privacy. She’d let me have it.

I slowed down the scenario to see what was causing it.  She’d come multiple times when she was scared or nervous about cleaning house or a call by a relative she didn’t like. Now I ask are you feeling ok? Are you nervous? It cuts back on her doing this every day.

It’s not a perfect solution. Setting boundaries means being screamed at. She calms down after a few times. I don’t do the thing that sets her off the most every day though.  I don’t JADE, I SET and avoid the Karpman drama triangle in the interim. Then I do the thing she hates after a week. Screaming again. (Extinction bursts are not what I would call them. Extinction means the species is gone - like the dodo bird or dinosaur. Just my opinion...for some of us it’s more like the BPD gets the fear/anger expelled from their system temporarily. )

There are so many things that must set her off that I can’t discern what it is. She may not be able to articulate them either.

In short, these outbursts are going to happen no matter what. I see there is no perfect peace for either of us. I tolerate it by ignoring her or complimenting her.  I have bad days sometimes that have nothing to do with her. Her problems are even harder to handle then.

I self-soothe by listening to music or reading. I do some self-care, but not enough of it.

I hope that things get calmer for you. If it’s too much, get out of the house for a few hours. Take care!  

[GaGrl]

We're glad you are posting here -- welcome! There are a number of us who care for aging parents, so you'll get help and support here.

I am the only surviving sibling, and my 93 year old mother lives with my husband and me. Did to years of abuse and exposure to her uNPD/BPD stepmother, my mom can be emotionally fragile in a few areas, so even if she isn't PD, I tread carefully in someways. Overall, it is working well, and she is appreciative. I can not imagine living with or near her had she been like my stepgrandmother!

I think you are correct -- distance and boundaries are blessings. Even with the distance, there may come a time you need to work with her medical professionals, social services, and elder care in her local area on what she needs.

Therapy helps. Again, even though my mom isn't PD, her cultural and religious expectations of me have been invalidating, and I also learned there were topics on which I could not trust her, so I did need to grieve the mother I would not have -- it required acknowledging her good traits and accepting her limitations.

Please keep posting!

[Zebra4510]

I appreciate the posts!

TelHill, thanks for the suggestion; the only problem w/FB is that (as I am sure you know) I don't know what might set her off.  I created a 2nd FB page so that I can blog; I shut it down due to lack of enthusiasm to post but it may be time to open it again. 

I am going to join a group through ASCA.  Has anyone tried attending their meeting?

GaGirl & TelHill I am impressed with you both that you are able to caregive to them.  I look forward to learning.  I just get sick of not being able to be myself because "I" set her off.

Thanks for responding!

[Harri]

Hi and welcome!

What is ASCA?

[TelHill]

Hey Zebra,

I don’t think you got the impression, but in case you did, I hope my post didn’t indicate you had to be a care giver. My dad is an enabler but he’s a mom target too. I don’t know if I could handle being the only rage target.  My physical and emotional health are taking a battering as it is.

I echo GaGirl regarding distance and boundaries. There is no use of destroying your health while your mom thrives.

What is ASCA? I googled but found only American School Counselor Association.

GaGirl, you are an inspiration too for knowing your mom’s strengths and limitations. I’m glad you found therapy helpful. I have an appointment for early next week. The focus will be how to set boundaries with bpd mom.  

I’ve had therapy in the past where the emphasis was on NC with a bpd mom. Mom was younger and physically sound.

I want to be involved but not have the whole burden rest on my shoulders. These old-fashioned expectations of being the only caregiver are out of the early 20th century when that was it. No other choice. No government help, no local agencies and hand-carved canes and no wheelchairs. It’s like using a Model-T car these days.

Hope all goes well. Keep posting when you need to. You are not alone with facing the challenges dealing with a bpd elderly mom.