Sister with BPD

[NCNurse76]

 
New to this group. My only sibling, my younger sister has BPD and Bipolar. I am the only one in the family who does not enable her behavior and for that I pay hell.
Our mother passed away 3 years ago and my father remarried less Han 6 months after, so life for us has been rough.
I moved away from our hometown to shelter my daughter from the constant favoritism shown toward my sister and niece because my sister wasn’t a very good mother and my parents felt the need to take up for that.
This year, after 16 years of being near them, I moved my sister to my town. The first month was hell. The first two weeks seemed like a year. She has the mentality of a 10 year old, she is used to everything being done for her, when she says jump they jump and I am a working professional who doesn’t have time for the drama. She would get mad when I didn’t  text right back even though she knew I was working. She would get mad and say harsh things when I wouldn’t pick up cigarettes or a gallon of tea and take it by there.
I believe in tough love. I told her that she was going to be independent for the first time in her life. She refused to use the bus system because it involved walking about 4 blocks to the stop, she cussed out the new doctors office and pharmacy within a week of being here.
The final straw was asking my daughter to take her to buy marijuana. Her story was that my daughter knew the dealer from her experimentation with it. I kept my daughter out of it when telling my husband but my sister felt like it needed to be known, so she told him. I had previously warned her that if she did, I was done. So she did and I was done.
She cussed me via text for days, threw everything possible at me and even threatened to shoot me if I came to her apartment. As a side note, I signed her lease because her credit is nonexistent(yes it was stupid) and She gave me a key but wanted it back.
She blames all of it on me, calls me controlling, tells everyone that I abandoned her with no way around.
Then the next week it’s like none of it happened and why am I mad, why won’t I talk to her.
This cycle has gone on for years.
I refuse to enable her. My father thinks that I should just forget about it and go back to doing for her...
HELP!

[GaGrl]

Welcome, NCNurse76! 

We are glad you have found us, even though the reason is difficult.

There are a number of members on the board with BPD siblings and enabling parents. I'm sure they can weigh in with help and support.

It sounds as if your sister might be having what is called an extinction burst in reaction to your boundaries -- this is not uncommon (getting worse before it gets better).

What was the reason for moving her to your city after so many years of keeping your distance?

Is your husband supportive?

[NCNurse76]

I moved her here in hopes of helping her be independent. She counted on my mom and dad for everything- transportation, money, decision making. When mom died, she realized just how much she had depended on her and wanted it to be different. In retrospect I’m not sure if that’s because the new wife doesn’t let him do for her like he used to or if she was sincere.
I always feel like I am the one with the problem after explosions like this.
How can I help her if she is so resistant and always saying that I am controlling.
My husband doesn’t appreciate the way she has always been and how my daughter and I were treated so differently over the years and her outbursts since moving here has not helped the grudge he holds.

[GaGrl]

So your sister has been formally diagnosed with BPD and BiPolar? What is her current medical/therapy regimen? Any medications?

Has she participated in a DBT program?

[Notwendy]

The dynamics in your family are not unusual. Your father seems to be an enabler. He likely enabled your mother, and they both enabled your sister. He wants you to continue this pattern as it is more peaceful for him if you do. His wishes aren't entirely selfish though, it's a pattern he has himself and this is what he feels is right.

But I think you know better. Consider though, that when you begin to change long standing family patterns, people feel uncomfortable. This is family systems, and dysfunctional families find a balance, albeit a dysfunctional one. By setting boundaries with your sister, you are upsetting this balance. They won't be happy with you- even if it is the right thing to do.

How much can you help your sister? You can do all you can do, but at some point, she has to also take initiative. I think you understand tough love. From your name, I assume you are a nurse? Imagine you had a patient who would not take their medicine. You can recommend it, tell them what to do, how and when to take it. But you can't move in with them and force them to take it every day. If they are mentally competent, you can't take over their responsibility. This is the limit of what you can do, even if you want to help.

Your sister may be emotionally 10, but if she is still legally competent, she's still responsible. I agree with protecting your daughter from her. I would not leave her alone with your daughter.