Help with Karpman Triangle

[Think-Positive]

I’m currently stuck in a Karpman triangle, with my Sister in law as the Victim, my husband the Rescuer and me the Persecutor. There have been some shifts in the triangle, where I have become the victim, when my SIL retaliated (on social media) My husband has been a victim too, as I have blamed him for not taking my side in the argument.
I recognise my role in this drama-triangle, as I have acted self-righteous, controlling and insensitive. I look down on my SIL for having poor self esteem and always acting the martyr.
I want to end this. Any useful strategies?

[Turkish]

We can guess that your husband might want to protect or rescue his sister... I suspect that this may be an ongoing dynamic. Your marriagd is the primary relationship, and he taking sides with his sister is understandably frustrating. Can you provide one example that we can work with sms help you? Any background info would also be helpful. 

[Think-Positive]

There has always been tension between between my SIL and I; but we could always remain civil and even friendly on occasion. I’m 45, married, and we have 2 beautiful children. I have an excellent job, and we have our own home.
My SIL, is 50, never married (many failed relationships) and has no children. She struggles financially and had breast cancer 3 years ago.
After the breast cancer, she has gained a significant amount of weight, weight related health issues and depression.
I’ve recently started a Ketogenic diet (as part of my Cyclothymia) and I’ve therefore lost a significant amount of weight.
I’ve tried to assist her in losing weight; but she gave up after a few weeks. She is now considering Bariatric surgery.
I’m a nurse, and I merely expressed my doubts in surgery as a healthy solution. Face to face: I implied that she doesn’t try hard enough to make things work.
In hindsight, I admit, I was rather brutal in my honesty with her. I sent her a PM, the very next day, to apologise for my insensitivity. But I got no reply.
In retaliation, she posted a nasty post on FB; portraying me as an evil monster, who thinks she is a drain on society. She also added, that she wished she was dead. ( I might just add: this is a line she’s always using).
She’s not contacted me personally, but has been in contact with my husband, who is obviously upset.
He was present during the conversation about the surgery ( and he agrees that I was acting superior and self righteous). But he also agrees that his sister has a victim mentally, which she’s always had (even before the cancer). He admits that he treats her with kit-gloves, as he feels sorry for her. He knows that I have Cyclothymia, and he understands that I can get Hypomanic, excitable and aggressive.
He wants us to ‘sort this out’.

[Skip]

I recognise my role in this drama-triangle, as I have acted self-righteous, controlling and insensitive. I look down on my SIL...

And she knows it. An she knows it is real, not a mood swing.

Normally in a drama triangle (for the persecutor), is to not be defensive and to encourage the rescuer to become more of a compassionate mediator than a judge.

The problem here is a bit different in that you are persecuting her.

So let's break it down. We know what the bad part of your message was to her (you're fat because your lazy) - what is (or could be) the constructive message in this situation?



It's helpful that you see your role. That's 75% of the way to solving this.

[Think-Positive]

Thank you for this.
I’m not sure what words to use. If I say: ‘I’d like to help you find an alternative way to lose weight’...she may think that I’m being condescending or belittling her.
I think her mind is set on the surgery.
I’ve already sent her a personal message, where I’ve stated that I would support her in what ever she decides.
In the mean while I told my husband that my priority is to him, my children and myself. I’ve said that he must support his sister as he sees fit, but that he should not relay any of her messages to me.