Partner with BPD's mom died and everything is upside down

[nervousgumball]

Hi everyone, this is my first post. I'm lost and confused and desperately seeking advice from anyone who will give it to me.

The backstory: Five months ago, my boyfriend's mom died unexpectedly. He does not have any remaining immediate family. He was very close to his mom as a result, they were very close and had a great relationship. My boyfriend is 35 and struggles with BPD. We have been dating for 8 months now. He broke up with me for a month in July (which was about a month after his mom passed away) because he was feeling suicidal and needed space. I was heartbroken but ultimately remained understanding and gave him his space.

The breakup was a shock to me because up until about two weeks before the break up he relied on me for everything and was very emotionally close to me. I helped him plan his mom's funeral, talked to him every night and held him while he cried, drove him to everywhere he needed to go, and helped him move his mom's stuff out of her apartment. A week before the breakup he hardly spoke to me unless I begged him to talk. My boyfriend has a history with attempting suicide and sometimes I would stay awake all night, dreading that he would try it again.

After a month of time apart, we got back together. It was great at first although I could tell he was emotionally distant which became increasingly frustrating. He rarely talked to me about his mom or grieving. When he did it was distant and cold. No crying or looking to me for comfort as he previously did. We still spoke everyday and would hang out on a regular basis. We rarely had sex and most of our conversations were revolved around jokes and activities, like setting up his new apartment. He kept himself very busy, moved into a new apartment and immersed himself in work. He would never speak about being extremely sad which I knew he had to be because of the traumatic loss he just suffered. The emotional distance was frustrating and would lead to occasional fighting in an attempt to get him to be honest with me. I wanted more that anything for him to be close to me again. I know fighting was wrong and counterproductive in hindsight, I deeply regret it. I feel like I damaged our communication, and that it lead to him feeling even more uncomfortable when it comes to personal things.

Where we are at now: Three weeks ago, my boyfriend had a housewarming party. I attended and stayed the night. Things were ok between us even though we had a fight the previous week. He was still emotionally and physically distant but we had a good time together and stayed up late, joking and watching music videos. The following day he woke up, told me he was sad and asked me to leave.

I said it was ok, I hope he felt better and left. I sent him a text a few hours later saying I loved him and wanted to know if everything was ok between us. He finally admitted he had been feeling extremely depressed and as a result was starting to feel guilty about being so emotionally distant. Like a light switch that suddenly shut off, he has hardly been talking to me and almost completely avoiding me at parties we go to (he's a music party planner/ promoter and throws weekly dance parties).

We've talked in person a couple of times. I asked him last week if he wanted to break up, he told me he doesn't want to. He tells me he still loves me occasionally, although it's becoming rarer and rarer. I tell him it is ok to be sad, I can give him space if he wants it, and that I am still there for him. Every time we have a talk and I think things went well, he seems to retreat after even more, sometime avoiding me for days. This week I texted him  asking how he was doing and he just told me he was "sad" with no other response. His behavior is becoming a lot like when he was suicidal over the summer and it is making me worried sick.

I've reached out to his best friend who tells me they recently hung out and he seemed fine. I don't know if he is putting on a show for his best friend to make it look like he's doing ok or if he is actually doing ok.

He is having a party this week (a halloween dance party he is hosting)  that I had been planning with him a while back. Since he hasn't been talking to me, I am unsure whether or not to even come even though I've been planning it as well. I don't know what to do. I am trying to give him space but it feels like I am abandoning him in his darkest time. On the other hand, I don't want to smother him which could lead feelings of guilt for him and breaking up with me in a severely depressed mindset.

It feels like there is no right answer. I love my boyfriend very much and want him to be safe and happy. Navigating BPD intertwined with grief is overwhelming. How do I communicate with him and make him feel safe to confide in me again? How much space should I give him, do I all-together stop reaching out until he comes to me or is that a bad idea when he could potentially be suicidal?

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[Radcliff]

That's a huge loss for him.  It sounds like you've been heroic in your efforts to be there for him in this tough time.    He sounds depressed, which makes sense given the tough blow.  Processing the loss may be especially tough for him.  It can be difficult for anyone to kick depression.  There's one principle called "opposite action," where if you're feeling down, instead of lying down you instead go out and go for a walk or something that may perk you up slightly.  It may sound obvious, but it can be helpful.  Medication may also help.  Do you know what his attitude towards seeing a therapist or doctor about depression and grief might be?  Another thing to look at is whether their are any grief support groups in your area.

The challenge here is to provide support for him without taking responsibility for his healing.  You can invite him towards healing behaviors, but he is going to have to be ready.  Don't apply too much pressure to him or to you.  Keep trying, gently, over time.

RC