Just wrapping my mind around the reality of it.

[Cpete18]

For years I have known that something was off about my husband. I went through all these different self diagnosis for him and all of them seemed just about right, but not quite the whole picture. I have bottled everything up and kept the downs of our marriage locked up tight from everyone else for fear if I told anyone the truth about how my husband was that they would tell me to leave him and hate him. I finally got the guts to speak to one of his family members and she brought up BPD. I rolled my eyes (on the inside) and immediately brushed it off. It couldn’t possibly be that bad. Then I started reading about cluster b BPD and I immediately knew. I couldn’t believe it but I was reading about my husband word for word. I’ve since then looked at him in a whole new light and I’m trying to let go of my anger and hurt and bitterness towards him and work on healing myself and hopefully our marriage. IT IS HARD! Even when I know what’s happening, it is hard to not feel stabs of pain in my heart when he says terrible things to me. He knows exactly what to say to get me to react. I’m trying to be calm, I’m trying not to let my emotions get in the way. I need lots of practice and lots of help.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi Cpete and

We are glad you are here. It can be very emotionally draining to have a relationship with someone with BPD or traits of BPD. Even just a few traits can make for a difficult situation. We understand here and I hope you will settle in, read some of the articles and threads, and respond to others here. You are not alone.

Has your H's family known that he has (or might have) BPD for some time? Has he ever been diagnosed, or is it just suspected?

What type of support system in real life do you have? Many people here find that it is crucial to see a therapist for our own mental health, as the emotional rollercoaster can take quite a toll.

If you haven't already, a good place to start is by reading the book Stop Walking on Eggshells.

Again, we are glad you are here, and welcome to the family!

[Dnmtnbkr]

Hi Cpete,

I'm a newbie too, just realizing my wife has BPD traits after being married for 10 years and 3 kids. I feel you when you say how HARD it is. It's hard in so many ways. Knowing the information I have now with this community and reading all I can on the matter, helps immensely and allows us to have compassion. Still not easy, but it sounds like you are on the right path. Good for you

If you haven't yet, read "Walking on Eggshells"

I wish you the best
D

[Cpete18]

Thank you both for the warm welcome. His family does not know or does not say anything. The person I opened up to was in shock when I told her some of the things he does and the way he is. I left out a lot of the worse details so as not to make her think the worst, she was already too blown away.

Everyone knows my husband is special and different, but you don’t get to know the real dark side of him unless he falls in love with you. He says it’s because he doesn’t care about others so he can control his outbursts, but because he loves me so much it hurts him badly when I do something he doesn’t like or “disrespect” him so he lashes out at me.

I’m going to look into that book right now.

Thanks again.

[Stillhopeful4]

Everyone knows my husband is special and different, but you don’t get to know the real dark side of him unless he falls in love with you. He says it’s because he doesn’t care about others so he can control his outbursts, but because he loves me so much it hurts him badly when I do something he doesn’t like or “disrespect” him so he lashes out at me.

Hi Cpete18,

Welcome 

I can relate to so much of what you said.  Not wanting to talk to anyone about it because you want to protect him.  People not knowing the dark side unless her falls in love with you.  I've known for many years that my wife has BPD and recently learned it's mixed with AvPD.  The emotional abuse I have suffered over the past 10 years trying to protect her.  Nobody knows what went on behind closed doors.  I'm not saint and took the bait and responded poorly to her reactive abuse.  And now she's flipping it all on me claiming I have done to her the things she did to me.  All of our friends are flocking to her because she's coming off as the victim with her poor me stories and SH4 is the ultimate bad guy.

Read through the posts you will see many similarities.  Agian, welcome.   Post often!

SH4