Cheating, Trust and Ultimatums

[Inkleined92]

So back story, we have been good friends for over 7 years. Recently got involved intimately, we have always been very alike and also very opposite if that makes sense. Lots of conflict has arose in the first few months but we continue to get better at handling it, the communication is one of the things I have never had before and we are able to navigate threw a lot together. About a month ago I found out she had an affair and she would not admit to it nomatter what. Luckily I found this website and took notes. The other night I opened up to her, told her I wanted to create a safe space for her to be honest and for me to listen and not react. I presented the evidence of her infidelity and told her all I wanted was honesty and that I care for her deeply Andrew it worked! We had a good talk and agreed we had much more to talk about later. Tomorrow I plan on talking to her and I want to tell her that for this to work she needs to show me she is willing to put in the work as well. I want to lay out some request and basically say that if she wants me in her life these things need to happen. I have very little trust and she is going to have to give up some privacy for that to happen. So I’m wondering what the best approach is. The cheating happened when she gets drunk and she gets reckless. I’m pretty sure it has happened a few times and I’m wondering if I should lay out the same “safe space” and tell her I want the truth, that this is her chance for a clean slate and have her tell me anything else that has happened. I just need some advice because if she can’t be honest then I can’t keep going down this road. I will not sit back and act naive. Please any Help will be greatly appreciated!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pursuingJoy]

Inkleined92, hi!  thanks for sharing your story. I know you're planning to talk to her today so I wanted to reach out. It's been a few hours since you posted. Any new thoughts on this to share?

It sounds like you have some good foundational pieces in place with your friendship and communication. It also sounds like you're pretty committed to developing a healthy intimate relationship, which is awesome.

Ultimatums can get tricky, for sure, but it sounds like you know that. What part of this is most important for you to communicate to her?

pj

[Inkleined92]

Thank you for the quick response. It has been a few days since I posted this and I am really struggling. She flaked on me three times about meeting up in person. We talked on the phone on Sunday night. I told her that I wanted to start with a clean slate with honesty and that we were completely capable. She fired back and said I’m tired of all this drama it’s to much. I was unable to hold my tongue at this point and Told her she created this drama and I’m giving this relationship a chance to heal. After this I have had minimal contact from her threw text. I told her I understand she doesn’t know how to handle this situation and that is why it feels to me she is pushing me away.
(In great moments with her where she was stable we communicated on a really great level, two weeks ago we were on a trip and she told me to never stop fighting for her even if she pushes me away) I reminded her of this but no reply. This morning I told her I am willing to take a step away where we can remain friends and see how we progress. And she explained she is returning from working out of town and maybe we can hang out tomorrow. I love this person so dearly and it’s difficult and taxing. I believe if she is willing to remain friends it’s only a matter of time before she will want something more and I can hopefully find the right timing where she is receptive and explain the only way we can have a Union is if we are both in therapy.
Last night I recently attended a codependents anonymous meeting and I’m reading the big book, it’s very helpful and I hope to establish recovery threw this program and develop more tools.

[pursuingJoy]

Inkleined92, thanks for the update, I was wondering how this conversation went for you.

It sounds probable that her fear is driving her reaction. I understand that she wants you to fight for her, but consider that it might also be necessary to let her do her part in regulating and self-soothing.

It sounds like you have a realistic idea of what a relationship with her will entail and I'm impressed by your commitment to learning more about how to make this work. I've also considered going to a codependent support group, but haven't taken the step to find one...perhaps I will now!

Let us know how it goes if you hang out tomorrow.

pj