Trying hard not to leave him

[Jab57]

Hi. After alot of reading ..8 yrs worth im positive my boyfriend has BPD. Hes asked me to marry him 5 times and changed his mind last minute every time. Hes verbally very abusive. He loves me then hated me then loves me. Im boring im fat im old im ugly then im the best woman in the world. He cant hold his temper with anyone. Hes lost all his jobs he smokes stupid amounts of weed he spends all his money then gets angry that i cant afford the bills and we run out of food. We live and work together in a tied house . He moans we dont so stuff together but most the time im getting the silent treatment and he wont talk to me let alone go anywhere so stopped arranging to do things now .he says vile things like when i was going through depression he said hes get me a rope.  I was abused by my ex and he said i must enjoy it . BUT then hes lovely and apologetic and says he doesn't understand why he does this he. Loves me i know he does. Hes never hit me i know he wouldn't but he has already lost his entire family and has no friends not even 1 he has me. I love him to bits but im struggling to cope. Hes just quit his 20yr weed habit to see if that helps .his choice not mine i didn't ask him to. But its been a month and its horrible. Im in bits. I cant take him much longer but ill lose him .my home and my job if i leave and i dont want to lose him .
Sorry needed to vent and rant and cry.
Thankyou

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome.  I am so sorry for what brings you here.  It sounds very difficult and painful.  a lot of us can relate to much of what you describe so while I know it is little comfort, you are not alone.  We can help support you and perhaps even make changes at your end that can improve things for you.

Please read and post as you feel the need.  We are here and can listen

Again,

[Jab57]

Thankyou so much. I cant believe how much better i feel knowing someone else knows what its like.
I want to be there for him i really do i dont want to leave him to fend for himself because he just cant. I love him so much.
How do you guys calm the situation as i feel like ive tried a million things over 8 yrs and none have worked

[Ozzie101]

Hi there, Jab. I'd like to join Harri in welcoming you to the family.

I'm so sorry you're in such a difficult position. As Harri said, there are tools and skills and experience we can share with you that may help improve your situation.

You ask how we calm the situation. There are a number of strategies that can work and we've got some articles and workshops here that address that very question and I and many others have found them valuable. Have you looked around at any yet?
Here's one on conflict resolution:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

When you feel like it, perhaps you can take a look and tell us what you think. Also, if you don't mind sharing a little more, could you choose a recent incident and describe what happened? How it started? who said what? Those sorts of details can really help us know how to help you best.

Hang in there! We're here to help!

[Jab57]

Hi and thankyou so much
I have had a quick read through so far but im swamped at work at the moment.
Today was a typical day with him. We got up and he instantly started cursing me under his breath . I ignored him as hes got man flu i was half expecting it so i just carried on being happy and kept out of the way. We went to work and he had a bad attitude with the boss. He then was quite nasty to me calling me names and stuff. We went our separate ways at work and met back up at break . He was down right abusive with the boss .he did have a valid point but his way is to swear name call and slam doors. . The boss was most annoyed and i made excuses for him again.  I found him and very calmly told him he was in the right but he hadn't managed to show that and had made himself look bad. Anyway this time it worked and he calmed down and apologised.  He was still rotten with me but did text that he loved me.
It takes very little when hes on the edge which does seem to be most days.
I read about the validation and that really seems to work and not something id thought about. I try and keep out of his way but that doesn't work as he then twists it to i went off in a mood.
Ill keep reading and thankyou for any advice as he is and can be a wonderful man and i truly want to be there for him.

[Ozzie101]

Validation is a great tool and something that really helped me, too. Keep that up.

And I know what you mean about keeping out of his way. Sometimes that's the best you can do.

What else have you read here that you've found helpful? How are you doing today?

[Jab57]

Hi. Its been a tough few days. He went off on one at work again today then at me. Im really worried for when weee taken over next month. I really dont think he has it in him to zip it. Were going to lose our home and jobs...well he will. It was his birthday and i spoiled him rotten only for him to want more.
So far only the validation and giving him time out has worked for me but ill be truthful im struggling when hes putting our home on the line.

[Ozzie101]

It is very hard when we feel a loved one is threatening our well-being and livelihood.

Have you discussed this with him in a calm time?

Is he still off the weed? You'd said he'd quit recently.

How are things going now?