Meeting uBPD mother for the holidays

[alphabeta]

I've had LC contact (only contact through email/text) with my mother for the past year and a half, and now that the holidays are approaching she says that she would like to see me and my family (wife and son).

My issue is that, in the past, the holidays were a time of conflict with my mother - she kicked my wife out of my house on one occasion, she assaulted my son and blamed my wife and I for being bad parents on another, and she threatened to commit suicide because we didn't want her to sleep over at our house on another.  These are the things that come to mind, and the list goes on...

She now wants to go out for coffee with us, yet I am not ready and will decline her offer. 

I have a slight amount of guilt and at the same time her mentions of the holidays stir up bad memories.

Does anyone out there share my feelings?

[Panda39]

Hi Alphabeta,

Good choice saying no to a visit during a triggering time.  Enjoy the holidays with your wife and son.  Try and let the guilt go. At the risk of being invalidating...  Based on her past history you have every reason to protect yourself and your family from similar treatment again this year.  You have set a boundary and boundaries are about protecting ourselves not about punishing someone else.  In my opinion your are doing the right thing.

Remember to stay out of the FOG.

My partner's daughter's have taken different paths when it comes to their uBPDmother D23 is NC and D18 is LC.  To me when you are NC you have to grieve and negotiate guilt and when you are LC it's about setting boundaries and enforcing them.  You are doing the latter, in my opinion the only way to continue contact is to have boundaries.

Are you interested in seeing your mom?  Because you could suggest doing coffee after the new year. 

Hang in there,
Panda39