Holiday Struggles with BPD mom

[cle216]

Hi everyone!

I'm struggling lately with my mother's behavior. Before I start this post I feel like it will be more of a venting of feelings but I'm hoping by getting it all out I'll organize some purpose to it or receive some validation and support to take control where I can.

My mother is in a bad place in her 7th marriage right now. It seems like the last couple Christmases have been negatively impacted by her husband and his family (but also her choices in the situations) and this year their plan was to go to Florida. I was sad for her to miss that time with her grandchildren but felt a sense of relief anticipating a drama free holiday.

This has all changed now. She has gone back and forth several times and it's making me physically feel stressed. First, the change was that her husband would go to Florida alone with his children and she would stay here with her family. Ok, that was fine. Then, very unexpectedly and impulsively last week she bought a house on her own. Her plan is to leave the marriage and move there. She hasn't yet told him she bought a house. I've been in charge the last couple years with organizing the family gift exchange and I made the list excluding him, which was an assumption on my part, so I decided to ask her, just so I wouldn't disrupt everyone else's gift buying and wanted to confirm that he would not be there. She said they are cordial and he would like to come and be added to the list. This was upsetting to me to be in their uncomfortable situation and knowing how past years have went, but I'm learning to stop trying to give any advice or thoughts and just roll with it because she is an adult and will make her own choices anyway. So, I add him back to the list, resort it, and send it out. Next...last night at 3am she texts me asking me to remove BOTH of them from the list if I haven't created it yet and she would just like to do token gifts for everyone, even though when I originally asked everyone if they would like to do something different this year she said she wanted to stick with the tradition. She knew that I had sent out the list because she was on the group message sharing with everyone who they are buying for. So...then she switches back late this morning to staying on the list.

I know these behaviors are small in isolation, but I think it's just the whole picture and knowing past behaviors. I'm feeling stressed and normally I've been the go to person asking her questions, supporting her, giving advice when she asks. But I've had to change that for myself. She asks for advice and then still makes harmful choices which leaves me feeling more stressed out that I failed at talking through it with her. But I know that it isn't my fault.

I'm struggling with boundaries because I am not the person hosting Christmas. I've been more clear about my boundaries and the type of behavior that is welcome or not when people have been at my house.

It's interesting that I've been through this so many times with her and that with the years of experience it's actually more painful now. I think now I have a new perspective on the past seeing her role and a new awareness of her current behavior.

How does everyone else get through the holidays when things get difficult? Outside of my mother's struggles, I really enjoy Christmas and want it to be positive for my children and husband. As empathetic as I feel for her, I can't let these patterns take away from my immediate family's experiences.

Thanks for listening!

[pursuingJoy]

cle216, hi! 

Oh my goodness I would have felt the same way with her changing messages. That would have stressed me out.

I also get that it seems harder for you to set boundaries if it's not in your home, maybe because you have less control over logistics. I like to try to see opportunities in conflict - you won't be hosting, so is this an opportunity for you to explore setting boundaries around your emotions? Or do you feel like you have that down?

I used to love making holidays special for people. My BPD MIL has amped up her dysregulation in the past few years and I'm struggling to regain my footing. Last night, my H essentially said that I shouldn't bother to visit her anymore unless I'm going to be more friendly. So we might have two separate Christmases this year, who knows.   

Keep us posted as plans develop. I'll be curious to know how things work out.

pj

[cle216]

Hi PursuingJoy!

Thanks so much for your response.

I'm not sure if I have boundaries around my emotions. Could you explain more what you mean by that? I try to not personalize her behaviors and try to just accept it as is, but I still can't help but sometimes have big feelings once in awhile when I'm not feeling numb to it. I suppose it's just a lot of sadness to see her live like this and some frustration for her not seeing her patterns.

I'm so sorry to hear you are also experiencing some difficulties planning for the holidays. I have young children, and although I think they are still pretty oblivious to her behavior, I just don't want them to be impacted by it. I suppose there's only so much I can shield them from. Last year at Christmas she left the table crying at dinner and my sister and aunt went to her closed up in the bathroom while her husband just sat and continued on with his meal while his teenage daughters were being inappropriate with our young children and almost spilling the beans on Santa until I jumped in since their father was just ignoring the behavior. Her reaction though was very BIG and didn't also seem to match the situation. She was bawling and talking about these unusual ideas like buying a plot of land in the middle of nowhere to leave and build houses to stay far away. It was a little frightening. Normally I go to her rescue but I couldn't this time. I had just had my second child and I was just too drained to give it the attention. Then they bickered "quietly" the rest of the evening but loud enough for everyone to hear. In the midst of the bickering my mom cheerily invited my aunt over for NYE dinner...as if anyone would want to plop themselves in this situation again...The year prior they weren't married yet but the plans were at her husband's house. Two nights before Christmas she was having a lot of doubts about their relationship and asked me to host. It was hard but I told her no. If she wants to make a change like this she can host it at her house...and she did.

Sorry, I can't help but ramble and vent a bit today. Hopefully this doesn't escalate to anything else, but history tells me that it will. Thank you for listening and for replying...

[pursuingJoy]

oh cle216 that's not exactly the ideal holiday is it?  And with a young baby too? Ugh I'm so sorry.

 You depersonalizing hurtful comments might be an example of setting a protective boundary around your emotional wellness. Learning to use tools like SET is a way to minimize potential dysregulation and effectively enforce your values (truth). To be honest, I'm still working out this boundary stuff so take what I say with a grain of salt. There are some helpful resources here like Setting Boundaries.

I love that you stayed firm and did not host. So wise!

The most helpful thing I've done around holidays is to work with my husband to set a time when we'll arrive and leave, and we coordinate activities that keep us moving. Thanksgiving was from 11-2 and we took card games to play. My BPD MIL was unhappy but there was no drama. This new set up works so much better for us.

 

[Panda39]

cle216,

You have other options when it comes to boundaries.  If the drama escalates can you take the kids out for a walk for example? You could excuse yourself and take a break in the bathroom for a few minutes (that's assuming your mom's not in there having a meltdown  ) If things get really bad you could leave. You could leave for part of the day and come back.  You could plan on leaving early.  Or like pursuingJoy mentioned stick it out but focus on not taking things personally and I'll add don't try to fix anything you are not responsible for your mom's emotions and behaviors...she is.

I think the key is to come up with a plan so you are prepared going in.

What are some things you think you might do if the drama level escalates?

Panda39

[cle216]

Thank you both for your replies!

You're right. Learning how to set boundaries takes work. I appreciate your suggestions and the resource. Thanks for recognizing my choice not to host a couple years ago - that was difficult to not "rescue" my mother from the situation, but I couldn't do that to my family taking on hosting a holiday with less than a couple days notice. It felt good that I was able to make that boundary and it was respected.

Panda, you bring up some great ideas. All do-able things but important to think of ahead of time since it's really hard to think of those simple strategies when you're in the midst of it. I think since I have my kids with me and I want them to enjoy the day I won't plan on leaving, unless things got really out of control and that would be best for them. I think taking a moment to myself in the bathroom is do-able. My aunt has a pretty good sized home so it may be possible to go to another room. Luckily chasing my two little ones around can make it an easy excuse to not stay still if needed. Excellent point about not trying to fix things for her. I have to put this in to practice because I have naturally always come in to help or offered her advice when she asks for it, and it always just leaves me more involved and stressed. I will have to keep reminding myself to keep a distance from the situations she is creating. Thank you!