Lost my temper

[Greengirl1211]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=341403.0

I’m including my previous post for background history..
My father and uBPD mother came to stay at my new house for the first time this weekend. We have been LC most of this year. We lasted about 24 hours before things went south(my husband was not home during any of this). I could feel my mom’s mood shift this afternoon, and then over dinner the issue of my wish to spend Christmas just with my husband and son came up. Things unraveled from there and before long she had yelled, cried, packed her bags, left, come back, repeating that cycle for three hours. It was upsetting to my 2 year old son and I’m angry that I allowed it to go on. They finally just left again for a hotel, I locked the doors and shut the lights off.

I’m angry that I let her get in my head. I lost my temper and engaged with her yelling and fighting. I’ve tried so hard not to engage but she knows all the buttons to push to make sure that I will. Tonight she told me that I was an awful daughter, that I treat her terribly, that I should look for a new counselor, and she was sure my son would turn out ‘interesting’. Along with so many other hurtful things. I don’t feel like I can be mentally healthy with her in my life, but I also feel so guilty for not having my parents in my life. My dad is a bystander and doesn’t do anything to stop her. He’ll do what she tells him to. I love both of them, and at times my mom can be a wonderful person, but it’s never permanent. The wonderful person always turns into this damaging force in my life. I can’t keep doing this but I don’t know if I have the strength to make it stop. I’m sure this will go on with her for days and I’m dreading the texts and phone calls yet to come. I just want her to get help (she won’t consider it), I don’t ever want to have another one of these interactions again.

[Turkish]

Your mom won't get help, especially prompted by you. 

You're a bad daughter in the views of your mother, dad and sister.

And your son will turn out "interesting," which is hurtful by what she's implying, but I'd take it as a compliment.

This is your reality. 

I suppose that you've learned not to share anything about your marriage in the future, given the fall out from the affair. It must be painful not to be supported by family in whom you should be able to normally confide. 

You let down your previous boundary of not letting them stay with your family in the home. That went as expected, and it seems like you know now not to do it again, yes? No one here should fault you for having hope. 

What are your thoughts on doing things the next few weeks?

[Greengirl1211]

Hard to hear, but all true statements.

I need to re-establish my boundary of not having them stay in my family home. This time it needs to stick, no matter how much guilt and anger are directed at me for it. I can’t let my son be exposed to this again. I don’t want to be exposed to it again.

We have been disinvited from visiting their home over winter break. As of right now, she never wants to speak to me again. I assume she will go back on both of those statements in the next few days. I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to visit them over winter break now, and that makes me really sad. I want my son to have a good relationship with my dad. I hate that these relationships can’t just be simple and positive for him.

I thought I had made more progress in counseling with my feelings about my mother, I thought I had a handle on my emotions. It was unsettling to feel myself get so upset tonight. I need to get to a place where I’m not so angry.

[Turkish]

We have been disinvited from visiting their home over winter break.

So it's see descended into tit- for-tat. It's hard not to be angry initially, and even more so now that she's reciprocated. What ate your thoughts on exiting from this dynamic?

[Greengirl1211]

Thanks, Turkish, for the thought provoking questions. It’s helping me to work through this.

I’ve been doing some reading on this site and I came across the  lesson on identifying my own triggers in order to change the way I respond to her. I just made a list, I need to keep reminding myself what they are so hopefully I can get to a place that I don’t feel so upset and angry when she says or does them.

My mom has had a very hard life (abandoned by her mother when she was 4, sent to live with a verbally abusive aunt). I understand why she is the way she is. For a long time I made allowances for her because of that, but I can’t ignore the destruction her behaviors have done to my well being anymore.

As guilty as I feel about it, I’m much more at peace when I have little or no contact with my mom. I don’t feel the same about my dad, and they are a package deal. Part of me would like to go no contact with her for my own mental health, but I don’t think I can stand not having contact with my dad.

I’m upset with myself this morning about the way I handled things. It wasn’t good for anyone. I hope I can manage whatever is to come the next few days in a more productive way.