Denial

[SepiaScarf]

I am struggling with the idea that my mom might have BPD. At times I am totally in and then I get reminded of all her good qualities and the good times we had because there were good times, mostly as a child, into my teens and adulthood those memories seem less and less.
A little about my story,
        I have always had a tenuous relationship from my mom and always have kept her at a distance.
In April I began a new job, which I am really happy with, however, this left me with an extra hour during the day of my free time. My mom's health is/was in poor condition and I wanted a walking partner to keep me motivated. I also always have this little voice in the back of my head insisting that I work on my relationship with her ( FOG), and somehow it's my job to fix not hers. We began our walks and they were very nice, but I got caught in her victim and triangulated myself right into the rescue role which I tend to play a lot. She constantly complains about her relationship with my father and how terrible it is. I reminded her that she was not required to stay married to someone whom she states treat's her very badly. There were a lot of these conversations, I will try not to bore you. I did at the time have one boundary which I stuck to, you can not live with me..we have lived together once before in my adulthood it was the worst. So she turned to my sister, whom without consulting anyone agreed to let mom move in with her.
         This went terribly in the first week of living with my sister my mom rearranged her kitchen to my mom's liking, cleared all the grandchildren's artwork off the fridge because she does not like things on the fridge..and was otherwise a very poor house guest. She would try and parent the children and would argue with whenever my sister tried to parent her children.
           In August we bought our first home, this was an exceptionally hard time in my life, my anxiety was so high, and it felt like everything that could go wrong did. I had a hard time managing my anxiety about whether this house buying thing was actually gonna happen or not. I tend to shut down when I am feeling like that and withdraw.
           In August about two weeks after moving into our home my mom had her first suicide attempt ( or first that we know of) this has been really hard on me just a flood of emotions everything from Anger, sadness, empathy etc.. I had done therapy before it was extremely helpful and I new i need therapy to work through this, at my first visit my T suggested that my mom might have a personality disorder, based on her response to her suicide attempt. For Context: a couple of days after her suicide attempt my mom had messaged me regarding a facebook post asking if I was okay. I told her that I was not really sure how to answer that, that I felt bad for her because life has not been easy for her, but hurt that she would do this. Her response was "I'm sorry that I hurt you, but it's not like you have been very supportive of me. You don't call me or even text me. I start all of our conversations. You've only invited me over once since I left your dad and have not contacted me since."
For a while I could only see red, I invited you to walk to better our relationship, I started those conversations, I supported you in making this decision and still do. I was buying a house and moving.
           The T I stumbled upon just happened to have done her schooling in BPD and related illnesses, she suggested this board and reading WOE to start with. She also suggested NC so I had time and space to heal. I literally cried because I was terrified of the consequences of NC, I told my T that if I did this she would come after my sister because she could not get to me, that she would be violent and angry, we discussed this a lot, and my feelings of being responsible for my sisters. I did go NC and exactly what I said would happen did, when my mom could not easily get to me she tore my sister into pieces. It was good though as it kinda cemented the choice in a way, my sister and I had a long chat that night about my decision and she is supportive, but I still feel guilty that she took the brunt of it.
       I am starting to do the research and the reading, but I struggle with denial, I feel like I read the books and the post and memory comes back and I am like this make sense, but then I think of a nice time we have had and I am like I don't know. She can be so normal between episodes. It's very confusing.
Thanks if you made it all the way through, and its nice to feel not alone.

[zachira]

Welcome to BPD family! We are here to listen and support you. You are wondering if your mother might have BPD, as she seems to meet the criteria yet is so normal between episodes. I was raised by a mother with BPD. One of the hallmark symptoms of BPD, especially those that are higher functioning, is that they can be so normal between episodes. Also, they can be very normal when around people who are not from the immediate family. When we are thinking about our mother, we are hoping that she does indeed love us, and during the normal times, it can seem like she does. You have already set some good boundaries with your mother and are taking a break from her so you can heal. You are very wise to seek out the help of a qualified therapist. Know that for most of us who have a mother with BPD, we will always be sad about being mistreated by her, and hopeful that in the good times the way she treated us was really because she loved us.

[SepiaScarf]

Thank you Zachira

   I think the biggest thing I keep mulling over is the NC, she has not attempted to break this boundary, at least not yet. I only blocked her on facebook. She could still call, or show up at my house, or employer. This is also a point of anxiety for me. She has a history of dropping people and never speaking to them again when there is turmoil, so, on one hand, I am not surprised that she has not attempted anymore contact. On the other hand, I feel like I am just waiting for it, almost hoping for it, and as I am writing this I am realizing its exactly what you said i want her to fight for me because I want her to love me. Want her to value me.

[Choosinghope]

Hi SepiaScarf,

I know what you mean about the denial. I had a counselor tell me that my mom is exhibiting symptoms of BPD, so I started reading about it. Sometimes I am so convinced that this is her, and I am all set to put in boundaries, and start treating this like a real problem. Then, other times I tell myself, "Well, she really wasn't that bad most of the time, and she has done so much for me." I have said for years that 90% of the time she's pretty fantastic, and then 10% of the time she is horrible. And sadly, that 10% of the time is very quickly taking over all of my thoughts and opinions of her. After reading these posts, I am realizing that how she is acting my not necessarily be 100% diagnosable BPD, but it doesn't really matter. It is hurtful, toxic, and threatening to ruin my marriage. That's what matters. I agree that it is so confusing to reconcile the two parts of a mom. I feel like our very DNA screams against thinking badly about our moms, for whatever reason. But, self care is important too. Cling to what you know is true, and do what you need to do to be healthy. God bless!