Hi all,
It's now been 7 months since my final breakup with my uBPDbf. I have spent the entire time pulling myself out of a deep addiction to this person with the help of a therapist whom I saw (and still see) on a weekly basis. Three months out was a turning point, when I began to get a little wind at my back, and was not quite so obsessed with thinking of him, missing him, etc. In the past month, my life has been steadier, having put time and distance between us. As some of you may remember, it was an 18-month relationship, filled with endless crises (what else?), visits to the ER (on his part), a threat of suicide (again, on his part), and increasing episodes of BPD rage directed toward me.
The other day, my good friend mentioned that she had seen him parked at the entrance to my development. This shocked me, as he has made no attempt to contact me since the middle of May when I ended the relationship (to save my sanity). Immediately after I broke things off (for the 20th time in 18 months), he blocked me by phone and on social media. My friend told me that the second time she saw him sitting in his car, she approached him and asked what he was doing there. His only response was "I'm just sitting here." She, being very outspoken, told him that he needed to leave and if she saw him again, she would call the police. He drove off without responding to her.
I am reaching out to this community because I am surprised by my reaction. On the one hand, it felt good to feel that "I mattered," because his complete NC and blocking me had made me feel that I wasn't worth his time or attention, and it nullified what had been (for a while) a loving r/s. On the other hand, I have had nightmares for the past two nights. The nightmares do not have to do with him, but I think they are triggered by what almost feels like PTSD. I had finally put some distance between us, and now I know that on occasion, he comes up to my community, and "just sits." After spending so much time and effort reconnecting with who I am (and was before the r/s), I was beginning to feel strong again. My reaction to knowing that he is nearby makes me realize that there is only a thin veil of protection between me and falling back into that abyss. I know I have only a tenuous grasp on the boundaries I am trying to put into place. I feel like a straw house that could topple over with little effort on his part.
