Feeling frustrated

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I’m feeling frustrated and in need of support with my uBPD mother. This is the next chapter of my on-going struggle with her.

My mother sent a text message yesterday stating that she thought I was bringing my husband and son to visit her and my father weekend, “I thought you were coming home today, has that plan changed?”

Two weeks ago I asked her to leave my home because of her behavior. We had a very intense and angry exchange during which she disinvited my family from our planned visit  My parents live close to 4 hours away. I was/am very disappointed in the way I handled myself during the exchange. I wasn’t able to maintain my composure and ended up yelling in front of my 2 year old son. I do not ever want to repeat that experience.

Fast forward to yesterday, there has been no conversation or mention of us visiting since the invitation was rescinded. I did receive a text message on Christmas Eve asking if I would like to ‘gift each other forgiveness this Christmas’. I said ok because I truly don’t want things to be bad between us. She then replied with all of the things she forgives me for which essentially amounted to me being a very hurtful daughter. She also ‘forgave’ my husband for all of the things he’s done to hurt her and her family (referring to the affair he had this past year). She actually said “I forgive H for everything he has done to hurt me and my family”, which didn’t settle well because she has repeatedly made my husband’s affair about her. This was just another reminder of that. I just said thank you and left it at that. It felt like she was trying to pick a fight.

I have to assume this text message yesterday was also an attempt to pick a fight (I refused to give in despite the lengthy texts I got all afternoon outlining how hurtful and abusive I am). But I’m also wondering if she might have forgotten that she didn’t invite us. She has been known to block out the worst things she has done to me, or pretend they never happened.

So here I am this morning feeling frustrated and also guilty. I don’t like being characterized as emotionally abusive, especially when I’ve been on the receiving end of her emotional abuse for most of my life. I’m afraid that she brings out the worst in me, and maybe when I interact with her I’m repeating the same pattens. I don’t want to be her.

[Greengirl1211]

I’m feeling frustrated and in need of support with my uBPD mother. This is the next chapter of my on-going struggle with her.

My mother sent a text message yesterday stating that she thought I was bringing my husband and son to visit her and my father weekend, “I thought you were coming home today, has that plan changed?”

Two weeks ago I asked her to leave my home because of her behavior. We had a very intense and angry exchange during which she disinvited my family from our planned visit  My parents live close to 4 hours away. I was/am very disappointed in the way I handled myself during the exchange. I wasn’t able to maintain my composure and ended up yelling in front of my 2 year old son. I do not ever want to repeat that experience.

Fast forward to yesterday, there has been no conversation or mention of us visiting since the invitation was rescinded. I did receive a text message on Christmas Eve asking if I would like to ‘gift each other forgiveness this Christmas’. I said ok because I truly don’t want things to be bad between us. She then replied with all of the things she forgives me for which essentially amounted to me being a very hurtful daughter. She also ‘forgave’ my husband for all of the things he’s done to hurt her and her family (referring to the affair he had this past year). She actually said “I forgive H for everything he has done to hurt me and my family”, which didn’t settle well because she has repeatedly made my husband’s affair about her. This was just another reminder of that. I just said thank you and left it at that. It felt like she was trying to pick a fight.

I have to assume this text message yesterday was also an attempt to pick a fight (I refused to give in despite the lengthy texts I got all afternoon outlining how hurtful and abusive I am). But I’m also wondering if she might have forgotten that she didn’t invite us. She has been known to block out the worst things she has done to me, or pretend they never happened.

So here I am this morning feeling frustrated and also guilty. I don’t like being characterized as emotionally abusive, especially when I’ve been on the receiving end of her emotional abuse for most of my life. I’m afraid that she brings out the worst in me, and maybe when I interact with her I’m repeating the same pattens. I don’t want to be her.

[GaGrl]

That your mother felt the need to follow up the gift of forgiveness by enumerating each transgression was passive-aggressive. That after the offer of forgiveness she is sending you texts about your faults as a daughter is, indeed, trying to start another incident of trying to get her way about a visit.

While your mother may have forgotten that she reinvented you (some BPDs do lose memory of what they did or said during a rage, while others simply conveniently forget), the fact is that she said it, and you were crystal clear about what you heard.

Let's think about your values and boundaries.

You said you are unwilling to have your two-year-old hear you lose your temper and raise your voice. Can you state a personal value here that then translates to a boundary that you can hold with your mother?

When you are clear on your values, it really makes the boundaries fall in place, and it gives you confidence to hold strong to them (especially when you are protecting your spouse and children!).

Also, what have you said to your mother regarding her having disinvited you? I don't think she gets a free pass there, whether she remembers it or not. She is still accountable for what comes out of her mouth.

Where is your father in all this?

[Greengirl1211]

I have a very clear value about the importance of not exposing my son to conflict or aggression. I know the damage that it caused me as a child. My husband and I share that value and have very clear rules about not exposing our child to the challenges in our marriage. My mother is the only person I’m our life that seems to think it’s appropriate to behave that way in front of a small child.

I’ve repeatedly stated that if she behaves that way around him then we will leave. Sadly, it has come to that many times since he was born. She has expressed that she feels like  I’m threatening her and leveraging her grandchild, which she seems to be abusive behavior on my part. In her mind, the conflict and her ensuing rage are always my fault, so I have no right to establish boundaries. She actually has said by establishing boundaries I am being emotionally abusive to her.

I haven’t directly addressed the disinvitation  because I honestly couldn’t bring myself to engage with her yesterday. I feel like she says the same things to justify her behavior and blame it on me  over and over and I’m just tired of repeating the cycle.

My dad has been absent. I told him this summer I couldn’t play the role anymore of trying to smooth things over with her. He asked repeatedly for me to do so, as that was always my role. Since I refused, he’s distanced himself from me. That’s been very hard too.

[Methuen]

“I thought you were coming home today, has that plan changed?”

This actually made me laugh.  It's classic for me, in that it sounded like my mom.

It was her hook and bait to draw you in.  She succeeded.  You clearly recognize what happened and have already decided it won't happen again (especially in front of your son).  Good for you!  I'm also learning to not be baited by my mom.  It's so hard isn't it?

That your mother felt the need to follow up the gift of forgiveness by enumerating each transgression was passive-aggressive. That after the offer of forgiveness she is sending you texts about your faults as a daughter is, indeed, trying to start another incident of trying to get her way about a visit.

Chiming in to agree with GaGrl here.  This is just another hook to bait you.  When my mom does this type of thing to me now, I just don't reply.  Then there's no conflict.  Is it worth replying to?

She has expressed that she feels like  I’m threatening her and leveraging her grandchild, which she seems to be abusive behavior on my part. In her mind, the conflict and her ensuing rage are always my fault, so I have no right to establish boundaries. She actually has said by establishing boundaries I am being emotionally abusive to her.

This twisted distortion is my experience with my mother too.  I have found it to be emotionally exhausting, and it also makes me feel complete despair because there is no way out of it.  Being accused of the one doing the abusing is the worst.  This behavior is part of the BPD disease, and will not ever change (my mom refused counselling her whole life), so my T is in the process of helping me change how I respond to that kind of stuff.  I'm working on emotionally detaching from my mom, so I don't feel the pain she has trained me to feel when she talks like that.  I just simply observe her statement, and then let it float away without the negative emtional reaction.  I'm not there yet, but it's a process I'm embracing.

So here I am this morning feeling frustrated and also guilty.

Let it go.  Don't own it.  This pattern of hooking and baiting is part of the disease.  Just learn from the experience, let go of the guilt, and go and enjoy your day with your husband and daughter today.  Go do something healthy and fun...release some endorphines

[GaGrl]

Your values and boundaries and follow-through on Boundaries are great! Way to go! This is so difficult for so many, and you've got it.

It sounds like your mom's follow-up FOG (Fear-Obligation-Guilt) attempts are your biggest frustration right now. She really works it! And even more frustration with your father wanting you back in the role you are no longer willing to play.

Whatever your parents are feeling as a follow-up to your holding to your boundaries -- you are not responsible for their emotions. You can't feel emotions for them, you can't alleviate them -- their emotional reactions to your healthy emotional life is a consequence of their unhealthy emotional life.

So (as Methuen suggests) , go have a terrific, fun day and know that you are caring for your family in the best possible way.

And let your parents sit with the consequences of your mother's behavior and your father's enabling. I believe (while they express confusion and denial) , there is indeed a level of awareness that is heightened by letting them "sit with it).

[Greengirl1211]

Thank you both for the support, it’s so comforting to hear that I’m not alone in these struggles. I’m going to take the good advice you’ve both given and try not to spend my day feeling my parents feelings for them. Instead I will spend some time with my family and maybe get some fresh air!

[Choosinghope]

I don’t like being characterized as emotionally abusive, especially when I’ve been on the receiving end of her emotional abuse for most of my life. I’m afraid that she brings out the worst in me, and maybe when I interact with her I’m repeating the same patterns. I don’t want to be her.

 I'm so sorry that you are experiencing these frustrations, but I can relate so much to this. This past year I have started recognizing that things are unhealthy with my mom and trying (very poorly) to put in boundaries. I didn't do a good job with that, and she took my attempts at separating as a threat to her and as being "selfish," "ungrateful," "disrespectful," and "abusive." She also told me that it was unnatural that I would side with my soon-to-be-husband before we were even married and that she was concerned that I was separating from her too early (I am 27). In her mind, I think that any kind of separation really is abusive. The other side of the coin is that I hate who I am when I'm around my mom. I am realizing that there are things that she has accused me of (being inconsistent, not having good discernment, being sensitive, being rude, etc.) that are actually completely true--when I'm around her. The rest of the time, those are not traits that I see in myself. I think that it is very normal to struggle with kindness, patience, and other normal behaviors when dealing with such frustrating people, especially mothers. I am trying to give myself grace, apologize when needed, always take the high ground, and hold fast to my understanding of who I ACTUALLY am (not who she thinks I am).

I regularly ask my H if I am starting to act like my mom, because I am so paranoid of becoming her after years of enmeshment. Thankfully, he has always said that I am nothing like her, so I am trusting what he says. I think that the key to this fear is the understanding that you and I both acknowledge and feel bad that we act a certain way around our moms. We wouldn't be able to do that if we were turning into them. I guess that's some consolation in this uncomfortable, sad situation. I agree with Methuen about emotionally detaching. I think that's the key to survival, from what I've seen.