I need answers

[fostermom]

My 17-year-old foster daughter, who has been with me since birth, shows a striking resemblance to everything I have heard and read about BPD.  She has even watched videos and read articles about it and said, "That's me."  She fits the profile of BPD in every single attribute.  She has several diagnoses from a psych-ed assessment she had done a year or so ago, including clinical depression, generalized anxiety, ADHD of the inattentive type, executive functioning deficits, and identity issues (in relation to her First Nations status.  However, when I mention my suspicions that she has BPD, everyone from therapists to social workers says the same thing, that she can not get that diagnosis until she is at least 18.  Is this really true?  And in the meantime, how can I best help my child?  She is on Prozac and Abilify, but she is still very unstable.  She has a lot of suicidal ideation, has cut herself several times, and her latest thing is running off when she doesn't get her own way, with no plan, and putting herself in very risky situations.  Just a few days ago, she was placed in another foster home at her own request, to which I finally agreed, because I just desperately needed a break.  She has already gone AWOL twice since she is in the new home, and she was AWOL probably 7 or 8 times before that, necessitating police and social services involvement.  I wish she could get help for the real problem, which I am positive is BPD, but no one else seems to really get it.  They talk about normal teen rebellion, but I know this is far more than that.  I've already raised quite a few other teenagers and I've never seen anything like this.  Even though she is in another home now, she calls and messages me a LOT, and I find myself still very emotionally involved.  Can anyone help me, since I simply don't know where to turn to find her the help she needs?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Welcome, Fostermom! 
We are glad to hear from you even though we are sorry for your circumstances.   It is true that there is no official personality disorder diagnosis made for a minor child due to their changing brains and hormonal surges.  BPD is frustrating and a long haul process with no quick fixes unfortunately, but there is hope . 

For one thing it is good she is under therapist's care and medication and not resistant to these.  We know the anguish you must be feeling at wanting to comfort her and heal her.  She calls / writes  and it is heartbreaking for you. Please have a look around under the "tools" along the top of the page.   One link may be of help on listening:
 https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy.   There is another on boundaries.  There are also book recommendations here, a good one is "How to Stop Walking on Eggshells" which states the best way to help a BPD is to help yourself first .  This is counter intuitive to what we feel, but it is ok and even necessary in order to be  able to gain understanding and acceptance for this illness.  I am not sure if you are also feeling overwhelmed when she calls as well? 

[Resiliant]

  Hi Fostermom!

I would just like to say a big WELCOME to the group.

Here we have seen others get diagnosed at younger ages.  I do understand why the therapists might be reluctant to pin it down to something at this age, but I recommend to stick to your gut at this time.  Nobody knows your daughter better than you do.

The good news is that your daughter is receptive, and so far not adverse to treatment.  Is there a good DBT program in your area?  Will they accept her if she is willing to go?

The other good news is that the tools that we learn for BPD are helpful to everyone and in all relationships so you can't go wrong.  It's not like prescribing the wrong medication.

It appears that you have worked hard for her and done everything you could with the knowledge that you have.   With BPD it is often said that "everyone is doing their best, and everyone needs to do better".  We also say that we did our best to our knowledge, and "when we knew better, we did better".   If you suspect BPD, and you are likely correct my best advice is to learn everything you can about loving someone with BPD.

At the same time, I also have to say buckle up!  I say this because she is now reaching adulthood and you are soon going to have to do some letting go.  She is now going to own her decisions and you are going to lose the control that you have had as a caregiver.  This is not an easy transition, especially for those of us who watch our adult children make mistakes and go downhill sometimes.  You may have already experienced this with your other children, but this one is going to be a bigger challenge.

Many other posters strongly encourage getting your own therapy, so that you can remain strong through all this.  I have had some therapy and it always makes me feel better, but has never really helped me help my adult son.  Right now this site is my therapy as I learn more and more but it started with some good books.  There are good books recommended here such as "Loving Someone with BPD" by Sherri Manning and another one that helped me tremendously is called "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder - a Family Guide to Healing and Change" by Valerie Porr.   These two books teach us how to validate and about DBT.    Valerie Porr has many many examples of validation, and discusses how DBT works etc., and which are the best DBT programs.

Again, welcome to the group!

[fostermom]

Thanks to the two people who responded to my letter.  I am still getting the hang of how this group works, so I hope you can both see my reply.  I have read the "Eggshells" book, and it made me even more convinced that this is what we are dealing with.   I would like to check out the other suggestions as well.  One thing I do see happening in the last few days is that my daughter is lonely and seems to appreciate me and her home here more.  But I am determined not to let her just come and go on a whim, because it would not be fair to the rest of us.  She can only live here if she is willing to cooperate and treat all of us with respect.  It is a relief to have a more peaceful household, but at the same time I am really grieving.  Lots of mixed feelings here.

One thing that is hard for me is that the new foster parents know very little about her and I think they are giving her way more freedom than is safe for her.  But the social worker basically told me I need to disconnect and just let the new parents handle things their own way.  I have a hard time knowing what (if anything) I should do when she is obviously lying to them and they are oblivious.  And I am so scared she is going to get involved in drugs.  She told me she is already smoking, and it hasn't even been a full week since she left.  She and her boyfriend (who is only 14) hang out at the mall a lot, and they beg cigarettes off of random people, because they are penniless.  And she tells her foster parents she is going somewhere and instead goes somewhere else.  It is really hard to sit by and watch her wreck her life.  But then I realize that I was not keeping her safe all the time either.  She got herself in some very risky situations when she repeatedly ran away.  So maybe I do need to just let go and let her make her mistakes...and hopefully learn from them.

[Isanni]

Sorry to hear about your heartbreaking situation. The 'professionals' may not take your word for it. I too was told when my kid was in testing at 11 that she was just emotional (pulling her hair out, digging at her skin and drawing pics of knives with the words kill me) and I just needed to embrace it. Years later she is progressed to cutting and suicide attempts - they call it borderline traits! That same tester told me that at that young age they don't speak of borderline. Thanks! We could have prevent so much pain for our little girl.
What I've learned - the 'professionals' operate in a different world. To gain back your power, be stern, confident and send these well-meaning 20 year olds links to professionals who speak to this. Look up McLean. 3East. Do what you can to make them feel guilty for not addressing the issue -the longer you wait to treat, the more expensive and harder it is. Is their approach harming your child?
You may have to learn how to validate and set boundaries and demand targeted treatment but that is less traumatic than having your child pulled out after 17 years. You will have to own emotional dysregulation as your child's challenge and present as a master of it. It's a lot of work but I am certain they can learn to control their challenges and live prosperous lives.

[Horace]

Reading these posts tonight as I struggle through the holidays with my 16 year old BPD .  We do not have Have an official diagnosis, but through a private psychiatrist are treating her ‘significant BPD traits’ . 

My best advise to you is to stop waiting for a diagnosis. Read everything, learn how others cope, develop some of the DBT skills which are brilliant in getting through the tough times and  especially look after yourself. 

I did the family connections course which was a life saver for me.

I feel for pain.  We all do.