Christmas nightmare

[Our abuse recovery guide]

This is my first time in a space like this. I have 3 siblings who also have a BPD mother and I often turn to them at times like this. I have been my mothers emotional crutch for longer than I can remember. It has been at the expense of my own needs and she really doesn’t know me at all as I morph into which ever version is less likely to trigger her. This technique is no longer working for me as I have children who are pre teens and I just can’t stand by and watch the emotional abuse be directed at them. For the first time in my life I am contemplating no longer having a relationship with my mother.
I have so much guilt. It feels like a weight of anxiety sitting in my stomach. It feels like she has fallen off a boat and I am refusing to throw her a lifeline. Why is this? She does not bring much more than stress and pain to my life and the life of my family but the idea of walking away is so hard to contemplate. It would be easier if she were to die and not to even mention the grief of not having a mother I can reach out to for support. I feel so alone.

[Alza1904]

This is my first time in a space like this. I have 3 siblings who also have a BPD mother and I often turn to them at times like this. I have been my mothers emotional crutch for longer than I can remember. It has been at the expense of my own needs and she really doesn’t know me at all as I morph into which ever version is less likely to trigger her. This technique is no longer working for me as I have children who are pre teens and I just can’t stand by and watch the emotional abuse be directed at them. For the first time in my life I am contemplating no longer having a relationship with my mother.
I have so much guilt. It feels like a weight of anxiety sitting in my stomach. It feels like she has fallen off a boat and I am refusing to throw her a lifeline. Why is this? She does not bring much more than stress and pain to my life and the life of my family but the idea of walking away is so hard to contemplate. It would be easier if she were to die and not to even mention the grief of not having a mother I can reach out to for support. I feel so alone.

[Kwamina]

Hi Alza1904

I am sorry you are having such a hard time. Your mother's behavior is clearly something you've been struggling with. Your post is titled 'Christmas nightmare', did anything in particular happen this Christmas?

No matter how you move forward with the relationship with your mother, having firm boundaries is very important when dealing with a disordered individual. In spite of everything she is still your mother and you've handled her behavior for many years now. I do think it is important to protect yourself and your children, and take the necessary steps to preserve your wellbeing. Your mother's behavior has clearly taken its toll on you.

You mention the emotional abuse being directed at your children. Is this something you fear might happen or has this already been going on?

Take care and welcome to  bpdfamily

The Board Parrot

[Methuen]

Hi Alza1904

It is good you have found our board.   I found this board last July, and it has been a really positive source of learning and support for me.  I hope you find the same.

I have so much guilt. It feels like a weight of anxiety sitting in my stomach. It feels like she has fallen off a boat and I am refusing to throw her a lifeline.

It sounds like you are taking ownership of this problem.  That could be because your mom trained you to do that, without you even realizing it.  Instead of thinking she fell off the boat, maybe she jumped off and is holding her breath under water to test you...

I too was pretty desperate when I found this board. I was at my wits end, and kind of emotionally going to pieces.  Well not kind of, I was.  I was full of anger, and resentment, and just wanted to move away from my hometown to get away from her.  Now, 5-6 months later, I've learned a lot about how to navigate and manage a relationship with my uBPD mom.  I live in the same town as her, I'm an only child (age 57), and my mom is 83 and frail with a multitude of complicated health problems (also she's refusing to go into assisted living).  So I am learning how to manage a relationship with her and co-exist in the same town, while supporting her at the level I am able but still looking after my own well-being and making it a priority.  Others on this board are NC.  Others have their BPD parent living with them.  We all have different situations, but the beautiful thing is we understand each other and support each other.  In my experience over the last 5-6 months, I feel like I can say that with effort (learning how to navigate a relationship with a BPD uses a different set of skills than the social skills we use with our non BPD family and friends), it can get better.  Believe it or not.  So that is my message of hope to you.

I have been my mothers emotional crutch for longer than I can remember. It has been at the expense of my own needs and she really doesn’t know me at all as I morph into which ever version is less likely to trigger her.

Can you tell us more about this?

 

[anguishedaughter]

I just joined this group about 5 minutes ago after my own "Christmas nightmare" with a BPD mother. I sympathize greatly with your feelings. I have been made to be responsible for my mother's pain for 40 years, and it is very hard to let go of that. I now have children of my own and my mother's cycles of outbursts/dissociation are now negatively affecting them. I, too, find myself considering cutting her out of my life. She is 70 years old and I cannot imagine how she will change as it is only getting worse. I just wanted to say that you have my understanding. It is so hard.