As most of you know, the good times with her are amazing but ...

[gardenbees]

My partner of almost two years is exhibiting traits that I think are BPD.  I am in counseling and so is she but when I mentioned that she might have this issue and sent her an article explaining it she agreed that she might have one or two of the traits but that she definitely did not have BPD.  I was very respectful of her denial and really just wanted to get her thinking about it and perhaps mention it to her therapist to see what she thought. I feel she has at least five of the traits and it is affecting our relationship to the point that I don't know if we will be able to stay together.  I am going through a divorce after 35 years of an emotionally abusive marriage so that is also a huge issue for me.  Some of her BPD traits are huge triggers for me and it is hard to be objective with my current partner when some of the things she does remind me of how my husband used to treat me.  

I have just finished 'walking on eggshells'.  My therapist recommended it and it gives me hope that somehow I can make this relationship work.  As most of you know, the good times with her are amazing but I'm just not sure that they outweigh the dark times that she brings to the relationship and the uncertainty of what person will show up at my door on any given day.  She has apologized so many times for her behavior and says that she will change but it always goes back to the way it was with her sour moods, shutting me out, blaming me, nit picking me.  She realizes that what she is doing is damaging to our relationship but she seems incapable of changing it.

I am starting to set boundaries with her and stand up for myself against her destructive behavior and holding her accountable for her feelings and emotions.  I am no longer blaming myself for her moods and anger.  I am becoming a mirror, not the sponge that I used to be.  I expect push back from her from this new found place of power that I am exhibiting.  I learned by leaving my marriage that I have to take responsibility for my own happiness and that knowledge will serve me well when dealing with her BPD.  I don't know how this will end but I hope she will realize that our relationship is valuable to her and sincerely try to make the changes we need to be happy together.  Any thoughts about similar situations would be great.

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[Harri]

Hi and welcome. 

I am glad you found us and posted.  So many of us are in or were in similar situations and can relate and maybe even share some of what works/worked for us.  The good news is that things can get better for you. 

I am going through a divorce after 35 years of an emotionally abusive marriage so that is also a huge issue for me.  Some of her BPD traits are huge triggers for me and it is hard to be objective with my current partner when some of the things she does remind me of how my husband used to treat me.

Again, a lot of us struggle with managing our own triggers and trying to balance and center ourselves while responding in a healthy way to our partner.  Therapy can help with that and we can help too as you post and even jump into other threads you will read others having to do the same.  It is often easier to see a solution when looking at someone else's situation.

I am starting to set boundaries with her and stand up for myself against her destructive behavior and holding her accountable for her feelings and emotions.  I am no longer blaming myself for her moods and anger.  I am becoming a mirror, not the sponge that I used to be.

The changes you are making are excellent and will serve you well as you navigate your way through this relationship.   

I expect push back from her from this new found place of power that I am exhibiting.  I learned by leaving my marriage that I have to take responsibility for my own happiness and that knowledge will serve me well when dealing with her BPD.  I don't know how this will end but I hope she will realize that our relationship is valuable to her and sincerely try to make the changes we need to be happy together.  Any thoughts about similar situations would be great.

Push back will happen as you change your usual role.  As long as you are acting within your personal values and are consistent, you should be fine.  How she reacts is something else as I am sure you know. 

At this point what would you say your biggest challenge is? 

Again