Dear family,
I read your stories from afar. I would ask your loving but stark advice on my story as well. Spare no honesty.
For the past 10 months I have been on a rollercoaster with my BPD 'ex'. She is diagnosed with autism and BPD, but I do not consider her issues the sole problem in our interaction. I need help to reflect which mistakes are my own and how I should help us both grow. We connected at a time when we lowered our defenses and adressed, painfully, our own traumas and vulnerabilities. What could have started as a beautiful timing and connection due to shared characteristics, ended up hurting and evolving us.
I met my BPD ex a year ago. We enrolled in a selective academic programme, visiting world class universities. I was in a relationship with another girl- one burdened by my issues: I had severe identity issues: emotional suppression, sexuality, studies. Recently my therapist and I diagnosed that I suffer from parentification/parental alienation because of divorce, during which my father was demonized by my mother and she assumed the victim role. Motherhood was all she had left, and after my sister left her as well, I felt immensely burdened by the responsibility for her happiness. I alternated between two households, and my dad soon after started dating a violent, alcoholic golddigger- further 'proving' accusations that he was weak and selfish. Since i was 12, I lost trust in both my father, his brothers (also all divorced) and masculinity as a whole. Recently I learned this position has lead to both me dissociating from my father and masculinity, but also devalueing my own feelings and becoming an emotional chameleon to accommodate both parents and please them. While useful to survive high school, I lost my identity after reaching adulthood when I had to make my own decisions but had no idea who I was. Only in recent years I started to gain insights into the processes.
During the academic programme, my ex and I separated. She moved to another country, and we agreed that I should find my identity before we could build on something lasting. While I had experimented with both men and women, I intented to confront myself in a more emotional way after the breakup plus use therapy.
During the programme my BPD-ex expressed interest in me. Lets call her Jane. We liked each other- she was different, but lively, exciting, brave, confrontational, intensely sexual, and intellectual. Very generous with her opinion but also with her appreciation. Direct and genuine in every way, also bisexual/polyamorous. She aced her masters and was very open about both her autism and BPD diagnosis and her medication and therapy. So impressive- this girl was vulnerable yet strong at the same time: apparently very much having conquered her past or well on her way to control.
We connected as friends due to mutual mental problems and probably also because of mutual emotional unavailability... however much I regret to admit that.
Although we started dating at her initiative, I felt very cornered because I felt emotional turmoil and should not burden another person with that before I confronted myself. After a few half-failed dates, especially sexually, I expressed all those concerns and told her I was probably not good for her. Naturally I cared deeply for her- she was vulnerable, beautiful and there was a genuine emotional connection or need between us. She was generous with her personality, praise and body. I hated myself for not being ready and having sexuality problems. Sometimes I think now she mostly desired me because I could not partake in her seduction cycle.
We pushed-pulled, no contact. I had no right to burden her. After a few weeks, she contacted me again. Despite the uncertainty, she was grateful for her unusual feelings towards me. She rarely opened up emotionally and did not want to let this connection go. At that time my previous ex and I had had unresolvable fights, her blaming me for my identity issues and narcissism and me blaming her for cheating on me. I was very grateful to have someone who seemed to accept my identity conflicts and offer me affection and love. After warning Jane, she still wanted to go for it- I was grateful to accept. She had a 'side-girlfriend', like a lightning rod, to make sure she would not get hurt too much if I turned out to be unavailable. It seemed like a good match. I couldn't believe my luck.
Enter the rollercoaster. She desired my validation and contact frequently- called me at night. Feared I did not like her. I did not know- I knew she was amazing but I also knew I was emotionally walled off and very scared of hurting her. I kept my distance while trying to be honest and good to her, and let her make her own decisions. Because she seemed so capable in all aspects of life, I never considered her BPD and autism to be an issue. She was so OPEN to everyone about her troubles, so in control. Despite studying a bit of psychiatry, I had little knowledge of BPD and she definitely did not seem to fit the bill. Apart from the cutting scars I found on her hip.
After an intitial shaky honeymoon phase cracks emerged. We'd
PLEASE READ, have a double date at night, and she'd kiss another guy, exchanging numbers. She lied about it. We were not exclusive, but I thought it was very degrading to me. Something broke. I became bat
PLEASE READ mad, shouted at her, asking wtf she was doing such a thing in my presence and even lying about it. I never forgot. Trust eroded. It would be months until she told that her therapist had deduced she probably did so out of self-sabotage: the uncertainty regarding my sexuality burdened her more than she expressed and unconsciously she sought an escape. The weeks after I took her to my hometown. I was reluctant to show her to my dad because of extra pressure, but they were both very keen and so we had coffee. The days were beautiful. Next week she professed wanted to be exclusive. I got scared of her expectations. I was seeing nobody else but did not want her to be vulnerable only to be disappointed. Not again. So I declined the label, despite stating I was monogomous with her, and we would talk about it the day after to see if we could find a proper solution. Day after we had a group meetup and, in plain sight next to me, she texted this super-duper
PLEASE READboy I knew about the following lines for his graduation: 'congratz daddy
(flame emoticon) (kiss). I can almost certainly guarantee she did it to provoke me, merely 2 weeks after the previous incident. I got enraged. My barely rebuilt trust, especially because of my cheating ex, was completely eroded. I barely recognized myself, I am known as a calm and gentle guy, and rarely prone to anger. There was no calming down. I destroyed her. Calling her unfaithful, disloyal, cowardly. I think I instinctively wanted to push her as far away as I could. I felt backstabbed and hurt. While she had a side-girl, despite my issues I only focused on her. And then to contact a guy in such manner, in my plain sight, while that guy had basically been emailing her ubercoupons to ride his dick, which even she found distasteful? I was hurt to my core.
We spend the night together still, but both trusts were damaged. She got a panick attack. I held her shaking in the shower. She wanted distance for a few weeks, no contact, to think about what we wanted. I was baffled. She was the one flirting with another dude and provoking me, why did she need such immense distance when a few days ago she wanted a relationship/exclusivity?
It was very painful to watch her leave on holiday by cutting all contact. I felt hurt and betrayed, and uncertain of any professed connection or understanding we were supposed to have. Her roommates communicated that she had been complaining about our relationship for a while: I was baffled. To me she always kept up great appearances: yes we had our uncertainty, but in her words it was like John Mayers 'Slow Dancing in a Burning Room' it was a tragic romantic story with possibly a very rewarding outcome. Slowly it seemed that the person she showed to me did not reflect her emotions completely at all.
After a few very painful weeks, she reached out again. If we could meet and find a way to work it out. I had just completed my 2nd bachelors, summer started, we went on a surprise holiday I arranged, it was shaky but super promising. We indulged in plenty of summer cocktails, BDSM, late night 30 seconds games and drugs. Intense nights at her student apartment. Her roommates seemed to like me again and I felt part of a belonging family for the first time in many, many years. She asked me to go with her to a LGBT festival, and said if I wanted to experiment again with guys to find closure, I was encouraged to by her (since she also still had the side-girl). I declined then because of monogamy. We were happy. I still felt repressed emotionally, but I knew in every fibre that this was not some girl to just let go or take for granted. She concluded the side-girl did not match the feelings she had for me, so she was dumped. Jane asked me to be her boyfriend. I said I wanted to but was scared- we became boyfriend and girlfriend for just a week to try, and both ended up very touched and grateful about the subject.
I decided I did not want to risk our future or her feelings, and told her to take her up on her offer. To experiment with guys again once, just to be sure nothing was standing in our way. Unexpectedly she broke off completely. She regretted her offer and could not deal with the thought of me being with someone else (despite her being with another for months!). At the height of my own emotional vulnerability to where she coached me to herself, she abandoned all contact. We were supposed to talk in a few weeks and see where we stood, and she 'would not be gone just like that'. She ignored my calls. Became hateful, insulting. Two of our mutual girlfriends confided in me and heard out my heartbreak- she ended up
PLEASE READing them both, one with a 3some. More would follow.
When I found out I questioned my sanity. It had been weeks since I had heard from her: I loved her and had been honest and vulnerable, and she had lead me along by promising I could be sexually liberal just like I had allowed her to be. And suddenly I was left on my own, without a shred of contact and nothing but contempt and
PLEASE READing others. We met up once and she called me a mess- all warmth gone while I had repeatedly patched up her cut wounds. My whole summer consisted of cigars, extreme exercise, yoghurt, vegetables and alcohol and I lost 10kg out of sheer confusion and sadness.
When I found out about her 3some and ONS, I told her it pained me too much to keep in touch. Didnt she break things off between us because she could not stand the thought of me being with another, yet she happily
PLEASE READed many? I again questioned my moral judgment. I communicated it hurt too much to stay in touch if she would see others.
She promised to not play games if she could stop by a drinking game with my friend and me. We agreed.
She kissed, took me home and
PLEASE READed me, and then we consoled each other about some losses in our personal lives and we
PLEASE READed again. She then told me she would have a date the day after and that I should go- there were no prospects for us. I again got enraged, shouted at her to be a selfish bitch. I felt backstabbed again- she knew my boundaries, promised no games, and showed zero regard for my feelings. I felt used. The day after she broke off contact because I was not good for her 'process/therapy', for destroying her ego like that. Her ego was all she considered about that night.
Weeks later, while dating the other dude, she would repeatedly lie to him about emergencies to come
PLEASE READ me. Very good BDSM sex. Never did she confess to her mistakes. Always playing the victim of my identity issues. 'just sex'. She rarely wanted contact in between because she 'needed rest for her thesis'. At first I was happy. Then I felt used again like a dildo. She would only reach out when horny. I told her I would break it off if she was not honest to me and the other guy. We'd meet up.
Surprise: she had contacted my other ex behind my back, together concoting a list of criticisms about me why I failed in a relationship. I apparently have a narcisstic personality disorder (my therapists deny that). I have some characteristics, I told them that in confidence- another backstab. I took the list seriously, but I knew some of the reasons were folly (like checking her phone- something she started with mine). It seemed like she just wanted to beat me to the break-up. I left in tears, she broke off contact. She would call me at night drunkenly the next weeks, but when I wanted to talk things out she blocked me. When I emailed her, her brother threatened my stepmom over facebook that I should 'keep distance'. I knew the guy to be a buff kindergarten teacher- what stories had angered him so much? I thought that was the reddest flag ever so left all groupchats and blocked her. 4 days later she stood on my doorstep professing to be in love, missing me, and wanting to try despite having little trust. I hated and loved her both: I wanted to talk things out to regain trust but she did not want the confrontation. She postponed talking about the past and just wanted to cuddle. Her brothers actions she excused, as were her own 3some and ONS, it felt like my hurt was completely devalued. Also, her entire social circle seemed to consider me the devil: I knew I have my mistakes but certainly not this many? She even was still in touch with the other guy, whom she told 'I need time alone'- not sharing she was exclusive again with me. Felt like she strung him along. 2 weeks later she had doubts again because she 'could not be herself with me' because of my criticism. She wanted a weekend with friends to think about us- despite her being the one to seek out contact again after all her
PLEASE READ. I asked her if we could call to soothe my nerves, 24 hours later again, no reaction. Then I finally quit myself. I was exhausted, worn out and hurt to be tossed around like a ball. She never replied to me ending it, despite us having plans for XMas. When she did it was hateful ('I dont believe in you anymore'). I had wanted her to fight for me like I fought for her four times.
The list with criticism hit a nerve. I have many narcissistic mechanisms in place and had trouble to let go of my views. I was honest about my sexuality issues- yet saw little of the struggle it entailed for her. The shock helped me immensely in therapy, and I could now finally address emotions and experiment sexually. The rollercoaster broke down many emotional walls. I am ready to date but her trust is gone. (But what about mine?) She shifts all blame to me. We can never talk about the past.
Recently we had a group meetup. We saw each other for the first time after she ignored me for 8 weeks. Intense atmosphere. We drank, buried the hatchet. She
PLEASE READed 8 peeps since we broke up. She asked if I had ONS'. I told her I had 1 day ago (out of sheer sadness). She broke down emotionally and stormed out to the train in tears. But huh? I had been reaching out for months with no success? We ended up consoling and
PLEASE READing, tenderly. It did not mean a relationship, but we had both loving sex, rough sex and cuddles. The next day she was cold. She sent me christmas dinner photos. I returned some of mine. Suddenly she blocked me.
I have read a lot about BPD and NPD. Do you guys recognize any patterns in our behaviour that are characteristic? I know she was bullied as a kid. She is in so much pain. I mistook her façade and strength for actual improvement. She never feels good enough. I am not even mad anymore- but Ive been for months. She plays the non but she is a BPD. Too much has happened for now to date. But I want to understand her. And maybe love her like the earth loves the moon: fondly, but from a distance.
