New to the group - hi

[LeeDeeBee]

Hello everyone - I am new to the group and stumbled upon this group through the "Stop Walking on Eggshells" book . I am grateful to have a space to talk about my father who has BPD, narcissism, and alcoholism. I'm not quite sure where to start. I've been in therapy throughout my life to help deal with him. I guess it's been many years of really harsh emotional abuse, neglect and pain coupled with intense love, closeness and so much fun. I think I'm seeking support now as I'm newly engaged and am bringing my fiance into the family dynamic. It wasn't unsure of how actually bad it was until I saw how terrible my father has treated my fiance and his parents at our last Christmas. It made me realize I can't bring children into this dynamic and I want to help create distance from the emotional abuse. There's also a lot of pain in mourning the father I really never had. In the book I was reading, a few lines really stuck out to me, "...targets of emotional blackmail may become guarded about certain subjects and stop sharing major parts of their lives...what's left is walking on eggshells with someone is superficial small talk, strained silences and lots of tension." I think that really describes the situation. I'm struggling with how to detach with love and how to really set boundaries. Thank you!

[pursuingJoy]

LeeDeeBee, what a fun name you chose, first of all! I want to welcome you to bpdfamily.    We share so many of the same struggles and I'm confident that you'll find great support and guidance from the people here as well as the tools in the links above.

Congratulations on your engagement and how wise it is of you to look for support as you and your fiance build a life together. Several people here are in the same position. It's so important to start out on the right foot and set healthy boundaries to protect your relationship from the beginning, isn't it? 

I'm more or less in your fiance's shoes and have a BPD MIL. It's been super challenging and has gotten worse over the years. I'm just thrilled that you've accepted your dad's behavior for what it is and you're ready to build something different for yourself. 

You mentioned detaching with love and setting boundaries. Can you give us an example of how you want this to play out for you? Or we can work backwards from something that hasn't worked for you?

Again, welcome!
pj