She gets angry very quickly and it scares me

[Ricky348]

Hi there,
I've been reluctant to admit this to myself, but my therapist has been pretty insistent over the last year that my partner has characteristics of borderline personality disorder. To be clear, my therapist has not met her, so she is not suggesting a formal diagnosis. She is just basing it on what I've told her and thinks that, at the very least, she has some behavioral patterns that are common in people with BPD.

I'm exhausted. I have been trying to calmly work on our communication issues for over 2 years now, but it seems that she is not able to see the problems clearly or to work on them in the way that I wished she could. We recently had the biggest conflict of our relationship so far. It was over a very small thing, but quickly led to her listing everything wrong with me she could think of (it seemed). Accusation after accusation without pausing to let me respond: I didn't love her, I wasn't trying, I withheld information, I didn't tell her my feelings, etc. When I tried to tell her that I did love her and I was trying, but that I could see it wasn't working for her, she just jumped to the next accusation. I slept in a spare room that night and was so shaken that I couldn't sleep and could hardly work the next day. I made arrangements to stay at a friend's place, but then she issued a threat that if I didn't come talk to her that night it would be worse next time we did talk.

We did meet up and eventually she wore me down and I negotiated a truce. It's been quiet for the past 2 days, but I am just dreading the eventual eruption. We have a couples therapist, but I'm not sure he's up to the task and she's not willing to change therapists.

When I try to put up boundaries she questions them and challenges them and says that I'm being controlling.

My therapist says I can't really tell her that BPD might explain her behavior. Currently, my fiancee is under the impression that this is rejection sensitive dysphoria associated with her new ADHD diagnosis. Which I think may be true. It seems like the two are very similar.

The biggest issues I am currently having are: she doesn't fight fairly (hurls accusations, brings up old arguments, says "you do that too!" when I try to point out something that bothers me), she doesn't respect my boundaries, and she gets very angry very quickly and it scares me.

Has anyone else moved from this place to one of greater harmony / stability sucessfully? If so, how?

Thanks for reading

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[I Am Redeemed]

Hi there and !

I'm sorry for what brings you here, but I am glad that you have found us.

It sounds like you have really had a difficult time trying to navigate the issues in your relationship. I am glad you have a T, and one that knows about BPD, because it is essential that you have some individual support for your relationship. It can be mentally and emotionally exhausting, so counseling for you is great. You need safe spaces to be able to share what is going on.

There are many tools and resources on this site that can help you with communication with your ubpd (undiagnosed BPD) SO. It sounds like you are having problems with boundaries, and that is a common occurrence here. Many of us struggle with setting and maintaining boundaries or even knowing exactly what they are for, and many pwbpd (people with BPD) are notorious for challenging and bulldozing through boundaries.

The thing to remember when setting boundaries is that they are for YOU. Not your SO. She will likely challenge your boundaries and yes, it is common to hear that you are being "controlling" for setting boundaries. Do not expect your boundaries to be respected. When you set a boundary, hold to it and be consistent. Giving in only sends the message that you can be worn down eventually and it reinforces the behavior of pushing against the boundary until you cave. Boundaries are to protect you.

Here is some more information on boundaries: Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits

There is also a "TOOLS" section at the top of this board that has more information on communication strategies in relationships.

What recommendations has your T given you regarding boundary setting?

I hope you will settle in, read some of the others' posts and jump right in and respond. You are not alone here. Again, welcome to the family!

[Ricky348]

Thank you so much for this very helpful reply. Just reading it helps me to feel that I'm not crazy and that what I'm going through is what others have experienced. I've been getting better about my boundaries. One of the things that seems to work is to calmly and gently restate the boundary and also calmly and gently restate that I do care for my SO, I do love my SO, and I also understand that they are feeling rejected. However, this requires a great deal of emotional control and centeredness on my part, often in the face of continued accusations and passive aggressive jabs at me. When I am able to do this it seems like after a few hours or so she is able to reconnect with me in the present and sometimes even shows vulnerability and recognition that her thoughts were irrational. I guess what's toughest about this right now is that the same thing might happen the next day (or same day) with a different trigger and it feels like she is right back there in the depths of negative emotion and irrational thoughts and I have to do the same song and dance again.

I have just started working on boundaries with my therapist and hope to delve more deeply into that in a few days when I see her again. One thing that I've taken away from our conversations so far is that this behavior of hers is unlikely to go away and that I need to decide if this is what I want - meaning that I will need to get better at articulating and sticking to my boundaries and work on myself so that I am able to stay centered when it happens and for me to not get so upset by it.

Thanks again. I am now going to read the post on boundaries you sent. If others have useful links or books on boundaries or other aspects of being a partner of someone with BPD, especially undiagnosed BPD, I would love to hear about them.

Thanks!

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi again.

Some of the most recommended books here are:

Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend

Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder by Shari Manning

Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist by Margalis Fjelstad

Stop Walking on Eggshells by Mason and Kreger


Your therapist is right that it is a highly personal decision as to whether or not you are willing to commit to the work it will take on your part to have as healthy a relationship as possible with a person who has these issues and behaviors. You will definitely need ongoing outside support and it is imperative to engage in self-care so you can fill your own cup.

Here is a good article on what it takes to be in a relationship with a pwbpd. Maybe this will give you an idea of what you can discuss with your therapist in terms of keeping yourself centered and emotionally stable:

Being an Emotional Caretaker

Another good resource here is The Do's and Don't's in a BPD Relationship

She is right that the behavior is unlikely to go away on its own. With therapy and most likely DBT skills training, there can be improvement in BPD.

Who diagnosed her with ADHD and rejection sensitive dysphoria? Does she seek regular therapy for this?

[Ricky348]

Thank you for all of this additional information. 2 different psychiatrists (1st one and a 2nd opinion) agreed on the diagnosis and she is seeing a therapist for general issues and does talk about ADHD there. The rejection sensitive dysphoria is something we have read about and discussed and she thinks it is a relatively accurate description of how she feels.

[I Am Redeemed]

Well, it's good that she is getting some help, and it's possible that the psychiatrists and counselor have picked up on BPD traits but have not made a diagnosis regarding that. Sometimes therapists are reluctant to tell a client they have diagnosed BPD because there is somewhat of a stigma attached to it. ADHD is a more acceptable disorder to have, socially speaking, and it's possible that she does have this and BPD as well. At any rate, one does not have to be diagnosed with BPD to display the traits. Many members here are dealing with family members who are not diagnosed with BPD but exhibit traits.

I think it is very important that your therapist understands the behaviors you are dealing with. This will be invaluable to you because many people struggle just to explain to even a counselor what type of crazy-making behavior is going on with their loved ones. Boundaries work is a great place to start, and it's essential that you continue to seek help for yourself and maintain your own self-care, regardless of what your SO is working on in therapy.

Pwbpd do need lots and lots of validation and reassurance. It takes a lot of effort and ti is easy to lose ourselves in the relationship as we are always attuned to what our partners/loved ones need or want. There are countless stories here of those who have lost what it means to be a separate person within the relationship, and that is where a good, foundational understanding of boundaries will help you.

Have you looked at any of the other tools/communication strategies here on the site?

[once removed]

When I am able to do this it seems like after a few hours or so she is able to reconnect with me in the present and sometimes even shows vulnerability and recognition that her thoughts were irrational.

one of the difficulties in these relationships is knowing when arguments/conflict have broken down too far.

our partners are very difficult people to resolve conflict with. disproportionate anger, which can come out of nowhere, and be really, really intense, is more the norm than the exception.

so you need to be able to step away when things have broken down, but one of the challenges is that when our partners are really amped up, stepping away can amp them up even more. it takes a lot of trial and error, a lot of it having to do with our partners as unique people, to defuse conflict.

its those times of calm, when they return to baseline, that can be the most productive and constructive in terms of setting boundaries and limits for the relationship. moving certain things into the "never" category...and sometimes that too, is trial and error, and may require revisiting.

its a lot to take in, i know, when you are already going through so much.

can you give us the most recent example of conflict between the two of you, and some of the back and forth? we can walk you through it.