I feel betrayed?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I went to the family event with my dysfunctional in laws, that I was anxiously preparing for. It was held at my SIL house.. she is narcissistic and both my husband and mum know and have seen the pain she has created for me.

The event was as I expected. Emotionally taxing. My BIL didn't speak to me, once. My MIL ignored the simple requests I asked for. For the most part I busied myself with my nieces and nephews who I rarely get to see (one Id never met), and relished playing with them.

At one point in the night, I overheard my husband ask my SIL "Can I get you a drink honey?" and it stung. It wasn't like he was offering drinks to everyone, either. Intuitively I felt like the peacekeeper in him, came out.

I went home at the end of the night, exhausted and with a pounding migraine.

My mother (who has been hugely supportive to me), let me know that at the end of the evening, my SIL had burst into tears on her, sobbing and sobbing, saying "she promised she truly didn't understand what she had done wrong (to me)". My mum of course hugged her and believed she was genuine.

I guess I feel betrayed by both my husband and my mum. I feel like each of them acted in a way that said "Poor you" to my SIL and so reinforced the triangulation game. Words and actions so small... and yet so positioning. As if they were quietly saying "yeah, she can be unreasonable, cant she?"
And as much as I can honestly empathise with their humanness and the difficulty it is for them, I also feel numb, angry and alone.

Where do I go from here?
I have done hours of therapy and I actually dont feel like I can be bothered letting this be my issue anymore. Sigh. Id appreciate any others experience and how they went forward!

[kiwigal]

I went to the family event with my dysfunctional in laws, that I was anxiously preparing for. It was held at my SIL house.. she is narcissistic and both my husband and mum know and have seen the pain she has created for me.

The event was as I expected. Emotionally taxing. My BIL didn't speak to me, once. My MIL ignored the simple requests I asked for. For the most part I busied myself with my nieces and nephews who I rarely get to see (one Id never met), and relished playing with them.

At one point in the night, I overheard my husband ask my SIL "Can I get you a drink honey?" and it stung. It wasn't like he was offering drinks to everyone, either. Intuitively I felt like the peacekeeper in him, came out.

I went home at the end of the night, exhausted and with a pounding migraine.

My mother (who has been hugely supportive to me), let me know that at the end of the evening, my SIL had burst into tears on her, sobbing and sobbing, saying "she promised she truly didn't understand what she had done wrong (to me)". My mum of course hugged her and believed she was genuine.

I guess I feel betrayed by both my husband and my mum. I feel like each of them acted in a way that said "Poor you" to my SIL and so reinforced the triangulation game. Words and actions so small... and yet so positioning. As if they were quietly saying "yeah, she can be unreasonable, cant she?"
And as much as I can honestly empathise with their humanness and the difficulty it is for them, I also feel numb, angry and alone.

Where do I go from here?
I have done hours of therapy and I actually dont feel like I can be bothered letting this be my issue anymore. Sigh. Id appreciate any others experience and how they went forward!

[kiwigal]

Just following this up a little more...
I ended up talking to my husband about the triangulation and he got how it would feel for me. We agreed that from now on, I would need a lot of assurance when it comes to family events till I feel confident.

I had him retell me, what he understood about how I felt. That was really helpful. And then I penned a letter that Im considering sending to my SIL... can I get others input?

Dear XYZ

Recently both in conversation with ABC , and with my mum, you’ve expressed that you don’t understand what the issue is, or what you have done wrong.
I firstly want to say, that this has never been about who is right and who is wrong.

The invitation has always been that I was wondering if you were interested in how I felt.
I am only interested in relationship where both parties come away feeling heard and respected.

Due to beliefs and values and along with historical experience – the safety of a counsellor I believe provides a platform for that to happen. Alternatively, I would be happy to talk with you on the agreement that our conversation is kept between us both, alone, and that the goal is that both parties feel heard and there is clarity on how trust can be rebuilt. If either of those options is something you wish to pursue, the door is always open.

In the interests of going forward, I value the cousins being able to get together and to enjoy one another as I know you do. I wonder if we could agree to meeting up time to time, in places that feel comfortable to both our families? There are a number of fun activities we could do in (A...) together and enjoy a day trip.

Thank you for an elegant evening in celebrating Mum and Dad and the beautiful setting.
I loved seeing the grandchildren together. I look forward to many more precious memories,

Love,
Kiwigal.

THOUGHTS?

[GaGrl]

I am familiar with your MOM's behavior issues. Can you remind me what happened with your SIL?

It sounds as if they are comfortable with you as long as you are "invisible" and don't rock the boat. Is that where you are now, after resisting MIL's demands for the holiday schedule?

[pursuingJoy]

kiwigal, just want to share some solidarity and let you know we're here. I, too, have been on the receiving end of the "I don't know what I've done" comments. Thankfully your H seems really receptive to your feedback and willing to support you at future get-togethers.

Your letter sounds warm, hopeful and firm, like you're open to having a different kind of relationship with her, but you want to set clear parameters. I too have offered to speak to my BPD MIL in counseling. She refuses but I think it's a very practical solution to a tricky problem.

In a practical (not a stress-yourself-out kind of) way, have you thought through what will happen if she doesn't maintain confidentiality if she speaks to you alone?

Are you open to getting together for shorter times? I'm a fan of ensuring positive success during visits. A whole day leaves room for error...that's just a suggestion that depends entirely on your comfort level.

From writing this letter to communicating with your H to playing with nieces and nephews during visits, I think you're doing an exceptional job of balancing your needs within a difficult relationship. 

[formflier]

Two thoughts with the letter.

Many letters are better written and revised and then put on a shelf.  Perhaps they inform a conversation later.

Other letters are written and revised and then sent.  It's kinda like putting things on the internet...they never go away.

I get the vibe you would like to send it.

What would you think about revising the letter several times and then grabbing coffee with SIL or a quick lunch?

FF quick take.  Great letter.  Outstanding first draft and I would doubt anything "damaging" would happen if you sent it as is.

I think you would get better results and better conversation if you cut out about a third of the words, yet kept all the ideas.  Really focus the message.

Last:  I too need to know more about SIL before I can give better advice.

Best,

FF

[kiwigal]

I am familiar with your MOM's behavior issues. Can you remind me what happened with your SIL?

It sounds as if they are comfortable with you as long as you are "invisible" and don't rock the boat. Is that where you are now, after resisting MIL's demands for the holiday schedule?

Oh my word you nailed it. Completely. Invisible is the key alright. I feel like Im very vulnerable to being the scapegoat at the moment.

As an overview my SIL is the family flying monkey. I confronted her gently and she 'owned' it without ever taking any culpability. I knew how this would go, but I asked her if she were willing to hear how that felt for me.
Long story short, she thinks I am the issue. I have no doubt she genuinely believes she has done nothing wrong... because in the family, how you feel doesn't matter. What matters is your intentions and sorry is a swear word.

[kiwigal]

kiwigal, just want to share some solidarity and let you know we're here. I, too, have been on the receiving end of the "I don't know what I've done" comments. Thankfully your H seems really receptive to your feedback and willing to support you at future get-togethers.

Your letter sounds warm, hopeful and firm, like you're open to having a different kind of relationship with her, but you want to set clear parameters. I too have offered to speak to my BPD MIL in counseling. She refuses but I think it's a very practical solution to a tricky problem.

In a practical (not a stress-yourself-out kind of) way, have you thought through what will happen if she doesn't maintain confidentiality if she speaks to you alone?

Are you open to getting together for shorter times? I'm a fan of ensuring positive success during visits. A whole day leaves room for error...that's just a suggestion that depends entirely on your comfort level.

From writing this letter to communicating with your H to playing with nieces and nephews during visits, I think you're doing an exceptional job of balancing your needs within a difficult relationship. 

That is such a good question. I know she will in no way maintain confidentiality and I have zero hope in her capacity to stay with the main issue or resolve it.

If Im honest, I also have very little hope in a counsellor not being 'fooled' by her tears and behaviour either. My own mum is a counsellor so I felt really anxious hearing her get hooked into the genuine tears.

It feels like a no win.

I suppose my wanting to go forward comes from a place of fear. Im afraid that my own children will hate me that they don't get much contact with their cousins. Im afraid too that if I don't provide a way to move forward, that she will up her game and engage a counsellor... on the confidence that winning my mum means she could win the compassion of a counsellor too. I love your idea of shorter times.. that feels like it could be manageable.

Thank you for getting it for me. That means so much! More than you know!

[kiwigal]

Two thoughts with the letter.

Many letters are better written and revised and then put on a shelf.  Perhaps they inform a conversation later.

Other letters are written and revised and then sent.  It's kinda like putting things on the internet...they never go away.

I get the vibe you would like to send it.

What would you think about revising the letter several times and then grabbing coffee with SIL or a quick lunch?

FF quick take.  Great letter.  Outstanding first draft and I would doubt anything "damaging" would happen if you sent it as is.

I think you would get better results and better conversation if you cut out about a third of the words, yet kept all the ideas.  Really focus the message.

Last:  I too need to know more about SIL before I can give better advice.

Best,

FF

Thanks FF.
If Im honest, I don't want to send the letter at all.
My SIL is in a patriarchal marriage and conveniently hides behind her husband so part of the issue has been that there is no room to have a conversation with just her. Ive tried in the past to resolve issues as the four of us, ie her and her hubby and my hubby, but it was very unprofitable to say the least.
My ultimate goal is just to find a way forward that leaves my health best in tact.

[GaGrl]

Thanks for the insight on your SIL.

You might want to put the letter aside for a bit longer.

Not only would SIL probably share your private conversation, you might need to accept that the initial letter/email would be shared around also -- before you even have a chance at a conversation.

[kiwigal]

Thanks for the insight on your SIL.

You might want to put the letter aside for a bit longer.

Not only would SIL probably share your private conversation, you might need to accept that the initial letter/email would be shared around also -- before you even have a chance at a conversation.

You're so right.
Given the emotional outburst of my SIL to my mother... am I best to just lay low and let it pass? I gently told my own mother, that Id have appreciated her reminding my SIL to talk to me directly. In a couple of weeks we are all meant to be going on a walking trip which, in the light of the events of this party just been, and the aftermath of emotional working through... I just don't know that I can face.

[HardTruth]

Hi Kiwigal.  I think your letter is heartfelt, well written, and communicates mature requests.  My question is, is the recipient mature?  Judging from what you wrote, I would guess not.  It sounds like she can be heartfelt when you're face to face - it's harder to be an asshole when someone's right in front of you.  But I doubt she will be able to take in the message in your letter, not to mention respond to it in a caring, mature manner.  It sounds like she doesn't consistently take responsibility for her unconscious or conscious actions and intentions, but is rather enabled by her family.  In addition, she is seeking to "win over" members of your family - your mom.

What a mess.  I'm really sorry about that.

She may have said "what did I do wrong" as a way to put herself in the victim role, rather than actually wanting to understand or explore that question.

If she has a question for you, she should ask you directly, otherwise you're right - it feels like triangulation.  I agree with you, when she does this sort of thing, your husband and mom should direct her to talk with you directly, and stop engaging with her in the conversation.  They don't need to solve her problem, ie they don't need to rescue her.  You are not a scary or mean person to talk to.  There's no reason she can't talk to you if there's something on her mind.  Once they persist in redirecting her, she'll see she won't be able to use them for triangulation any more, and you will also feel supported.

My experience is that it takes a long time, lots of conversations, and education to get other people to understand how dynamics involving BPD or other PD's work, especially if the person's expression is more subtle. If they were raging, screaming and throwing things, it would be easier!  The subtle manipulation, waif-like interactions really plays on people's sympathies, and people will often want to give the person the benefit of the doubt.  When they do that, when they don't see things clearly, then they don't support you, which sucks.  But, eventually, you may see that the tides turn in your favor.  I hope so anyway!

[kiwigal]

Hi Kiwigal.  I think your letter is heartfelt, well written, and communicates mature requests.  My question is, is the recipient mature?  Judging from what you wrote, I would guess not.  It sounds like she can be heartfelt when you're face to face - it's harder to be an asshole when someone's right in front of you.  But I doubt she will be able to take in the message in your letter, not to mention respond to it in a caring, mature manner.  It sounds like she doesn't consistently take responsibility for her unconscious or conscious actions and intentions, but is rather enabled by her family.  In addition, she is seeking to "win over" members of your family - your mom.

What a mess.  I'm really sorry about that.

She may have said "what did I do wrong" as a way to put herself in the victim role, rather than actually wanting to understand or explore that question.

If she has a question for you, she should ask you directly, otherwise you're right - it feels like triangulation.  I agree with you, when she does this sort of thing, your husband and mom should direct her to talk with you directly, and stop engaging with her in the conversation.  They don't need to solve her problem, ie they don't need to rescue her.  You are not a scary or mean person to talk to.  There's no reason she can't talk to you if there's something on her mind.  Once they persist in redirecting her, she'll see she won't be able to use them for triangulation any more, and you will also feel supported.

My experience is that it takes a long time, lots of conversations, and education to get other people to understand how dynamics involving BPD or other PD's work, especially if the person's expression is more subtle. If they were raging, screaming and throwing things, it would be easier!  The subtle manipulation, waif-like interactions really plays on people's sympathies, and people will often want to give the person the benefit of the doubt.  When they do that, when they don't see things clearly, then they don't support you, which sucks.  But, eventually, you may see that the tides turn in your favor.  I hope so anyway!

This means so much to me.
I literally have felt like someone has whacked me in the head, trying to make sense of everything... I often end up coming away feeling really unsure of myself. But reading what you wrote, turned my calm brain back on.

With regards to the letter, I had never heard it worded that way "unconscious or conscious actions". That hit right to the core of the issue for me! It's my understanding that if you unconsciously hurt someone with a known effect, you still seek to take responsibility for the part you played - that is, if you want to earn trust. I had also never thought about her being enabled by family. It makes sense to me now as her husband said to me "I don't like my wife feeling bad about herself!" ... which kind of left me mad.

It really has been a mess Thank you for getting it for me.

I so agree with you on the victim stance. I am not scary to talk to. How could I be scary, if on one hand she felt she could come up behind to me and hug me and say "hi beautiful" - but on the other hand not be able to tell me herself that she really wants to understand?
I felt so guilty for thinking it though, like Im a hard ass with no heart.

You've helped me realise that actually, any response in writing, to the emotional outburst, enables her. As hard as it is, I think I need to leave it be and just carry on being me - and recover from this whole saga too. Maybe with a bit of time, and a couple more 'family catch up's' a new normal can be set: polite and aloof.

Can I just say a huge thank you for helping me tease this through... these threads are a lifeline for me. I so appreciate the time and energy you and others give, to read, understand and respond.

[pursuingJoy]

With regards to the letter, I had never heard it worded that way "unconscious or conscious actions". That hit right to the core of the issue for me! It's my understanding that if you unconsciously hurt someone with a known effect, you still seek to take responsibility for the part you played - that is, if you want to earn trust.

Yes to this. In this case, a genuine and productive apology would be as simple as: "I'm so sorry I hurt you. That wasn't my intent, but I can understand how you felt, and I'll be mindful of that going forward."

I think HardTruth really nailed the description of the impact of waif-life manipulations. I've had to work through some of the same guilty feelings when my MIL gets to crying, saying "I'm sorry for being such a horrible human being" then justifying her actions. I'm working on neutrally assessing the situation for a genuine apology, understanding what may be her fear, and calmly, and unapologetically, maintaining my boundary.

I've also considered that my H, and possibly your SIL, have never been given permission to stand up to their moms. To set a good example on how to do so may be the most loving thing we can do for them. Let's not get wrapped up in twisted thinking, encourage each other to have a clear head! Team Polite and Aloof. 

[formflier]

  To set a good example on how to do so may be the most loving thing we can do for them. 

Incredibly powerful!

Best,

FF

[kiwigal]

Yes to this. In this case, a genuine and productive apology would be as simple as: "I'm so sorry I hurt you. That wasn't my intent, but I can understand how you felt, and I'll be mindful of that going forward."

I think HardTruth really nailed the description of the impact of waif-life manipulations. I've had to work through some of the same guilty feelings when my MIL gets to crying, saying "I'm sorry for being such a horrible human being" then justifying her actions. I'm working on neutrally assessing the situation for a genuine apology, understanding what may be her fear, and calmly, and unapologetically, maintaining my boundary.

I've also considered that my H, and possibly your SIL, have never been given permission to stand up to their moms. To set a good example on how to do so may be the most loving thing we can do for them. Let's not get wrapped up in twisted thinking, encourage each other to have a clear head! Team Polite and Aloof. 

PJ this is so helpful or me. "To set a good example".. like FF highlighted too. I watch my H at times, vacillate between holding good boundaries, then slipping into family behaviours.  Mainly a tendency to justify and I know he doesn't recognise he is doing it.
But Ive also witnessed him lately, give his Mom some gentle pushbacks that would usually be outside his comfort range... such as telling her "Im not going to be discussing that with you"
As I reflect, that courage has come as Ive calmed and held my inner peace.
As soon as I seem to lose my calm, thats when I notice my H begin to vacillate again. This really makes me think how important it is to hold to my core boundaries calmly... like you said "neutrally assessing the situation for a genuine apology, understanding what may be her fear, and calmly, and unapologetically, maintaining my boundary."

Love it!
Thank you.

[pursuingJoy]

It's great to hear that your husband is taking small steps and kudos to you for appreciating them!  And you are so right about how staying calm can help our H's! Great observation.

I can relate to so much of what you're going through. We can do this, kiwigal.

[GaGrl]

Having observed these family dynamics, I think your H telling his mother he isn't going to discuss a topic with her is not small -- it's pretty significant!

[kiwigal]

It's great to hear that your husband is taking small steps and kudos to you for appreciating them!  And you are so right about how staying calm can help our H's! Great observation.

I can relate to so much of what you're going through. We can do this, kiwigal.

Your solidarity means so much! We can do this alright! 

[kiwigal]

Having observed these family dynamics, I think your H telling his mother he isn't going to discuss a topic with her is not small -- it's pretty significant!

You are so right! I didn't stop to think so, till you said that. It was hugely significant! Thanks again GaGrl. 

[HardTruth]

But Ive also witnessed him lately, give his Mom some gentle pushbacks that would usually be outside his comfort range... such as telling her "Im not going to be discussing that with you"
As I reflect, that courage has come as Ive calmed and held my inner peace.
As soon as I seem to lose my calm, thats when I notice my H begin to vacillate again. This really makes me think how important it is to hold to my core boundaries calmly... like you said "neutrally assessing the situation for a genuine apology, understanding what may be her fear, and calmly, and unapologetically, maintaining my boundary."

This is great!  I really like what you wrote. 

I struggle with finding the balance between being too "nice", and appearing or being perceived as a "jerk" if I set strong boundaries.  A counselor that I was working with talked to me about a triad she sometimes worked with - the Tyrant, the Victim and the Rebel.  She said that she thought that I was most often the Victim, but would sometimes turn into the Rebel.  She said that the members of the triad were related, and that ideally we wouldn't be any of the three.  But in order to transcend the triad, we have to be able to step into each role at least sometimes. 

I thought that was an interesting concept.  She said that I was rarely the Tyrant, and seemed to have resistance to taking on that role.  That's true; I was OK with being a victim or a rebel ("f___ you!"), but thought I'd be a terrible person if I was a tyrant.  And yet, I was being ruled by tyrants...and my response was to either go into a victim or rebel role!

So, she made me try on the Tyrant role for a change...in role play.  I also tried it in my real life, and learned a lot about myself. 

To me, none of the three roles are grounded or calm; they are all reactionary.  They come from a place where we lack insight about ourselves and our motivations.  But when none of the roles are taken to the extreme, they all have value.  The grounded and calm 'Tyrant' has confidence in their own truth and the actions that they take that stem from that truth; they are willing to accept the consequences for "sticking their neck out" and opposing a majority view, or the view of someone of influence (like their mom).  The 'Victim' is willing to put aside their own desires and ego in order to benefit someone else.  They don't feel pushed, cornered or manipulated into making these choices; they are happy to see the benefits of what they've given to others.  The 'Rebel' is willing to see that the thing they don't like in others, is also something they do themselves.  Thus, rather than rebelling against the thing that they don't like, they grow to have compassion and understanding for it and subsequently make conscious choices rather than act in reaction to that dislike.

Anyway, just one point of view that I found interesting and helpful.

[kiwigal]

This is great!  I really like what you wrote. 

I struggle with finding the balance between being too "nice", and appearing or being perceived as a "jerk" if I set strong boundaries.  A counselor that I was working with talked to me about a triad she sometimes worked with - the Tyrant, the Victim and the Rebel.  She said that she thought that I was most often the Victim, but would sometimes turn into the Rebel.  She said that the members of the triad were related, and that ideally we wouldn't be any of the three.  But in order to transcend the triad, we have to be able to step into each role at least sometimes. 

I thought that was an interesting concept.  She said that I was rarely the Tyrant, and seemed to have resistance to taking on that role.  That's true; I was OK with being a victim or a rebel ("f___ you!"), but thought I'd be a terrible person if I was a tyrant.  And yet, I was being ruled by tyrants...and my response was to either go into a victim or rebel role!

So, she made me try on the Tyrant role for a change...in role play.  I also tried it in my real life, and learned a lot about myself. 

To me, none of the three roles are grounded or calm; they are all reactionary.  They come from a place where we lack insight about ourselves and our motivations.  But when none of the roles are taken to the extreme, they all have value.  The grounded and calm 'Tyrant' has confidence in their own truth and the actions that they take that stem from that truth; they are willing to accept the consequences for "sticking their neck out" and opposing a majority view, or the view of someone of influence (like their mom).  The 'Victim' is willing to put aside their own desires and ego in order to benefit someone else.  They don't feel pushed, cornered or manipulated into making these choices; they are happy to see the benefits of what they've given to others.  The 'Rebel' is willing to see that the thing they don't like in others, is also something they do themselves.  Thus, rather than rebelling against the thing that they don't like, they grow to have compassion and understanding for it and subsequently make conscious choices rather than act in reaction to that dislike.

Anyway, just one point of view that I found interesting and helpful.

I love this! What a neat idea doing the Tyrant role playing - to get insight into the strengths of that position as well as the agenda it serves at its worst.
I agree so much with what you have said and appreciate the reminder as I know there is narcissistic traits of playing the persecutor too. After all - you can only be a persecutor if you allow yourself to be. It's taking me a huge amount of courage to acknowledge: You know what, we all have a part to play and Ive allowed myself to be Cinderella. I've allowed myself to be flimsy and ill equipped with my boundaries and my pushbacks.

One of the things I am wrestling with at the moment, is that relationship has always tended to fall back into pretend agreement because Ive allowed it. My SIL acts 'nice' - then pulls out the victim card when it suits. In the past I had made apologies for my side of a major conflict in an attempt to model that safe relationship was a place where both people could own mistakes. That backfired. She didn't reciprocate at all - rather tearfully expressed how hard it had been on her. So she has spent the last 7 years playing hot and cold and when any issue crops up, I hear back how she is still struggling.The irony is, that the issue was her violation of my boundary with my parenting. I stood up to her and the S hit the fan because I failed to see the wonderful person she is.

Because of the long history of this - I really don't want to have relationship that is anything but polite, professional and surface. However my MIL is insistent on having these family get togethers where I am expected to 'pretend' and if I don't I get interrogated, or looked upon as being unreasonable. There are constant attempts to control. It feels really manipulative and unsafe and Im wondering if for a time, I need to let my husband be the only point of contact? Have others done this successfully?

[formflier]

Because of the long history of this - I really don't want to have relationship that is anything but polite, professional and surface. However my MIL is insistent on having these family get togethers where I am expected to 'pretend' and if I don't I get interrogated, or looked upon as being unreasonable. There are constant attempts to control. It feels really manipulative and unsafe and Im wondering if for a time, I need to let my husband be the only point of contact? Have others done this successfully?

Can you take some time and give some detailed examples (he said she said) of what the bolded part looks like.

That might influence my advice on letting hubby handle it by himself.

Generally, you should stand up for yourself.

However, these are "his people" and he should really stand up to them "for you". 

Yet you should be empathetic with him regarding how hard this is for him, so anything you can do to "shoulder some of the load" has got to be good for the long term success of your marriage.
  (which is really the important thing...right?)

My guess is that I'm going to advise you to call out some of this behavior "in a perplexed way".

"What..what?... are you asking me to do here?  It sounds like you want me to change my opinion..."

or

"it sounds like you are insisting I agree with..."

And then in a friendly and puzzled way kinda wonder aloud "aren't differences the spice of life...and to be appreciated?"

Basically...when pwBPD (and other dysfunctional types) are put in the position of explicitly naming their behavior or "backing down", you will get a lot of interesting stuff happening.

Then it's important to offer them "an easy way out"...that leaves things status quo.  They control themselves and you control yourself.


Best,

FF

[kiwigal]

Can you take some time and give some detailed examples (he said she said) of what the bolded part looks like.

That might influence my advice on letting hubby handle it by himself.

Generally, you should stand up for yourself.

However, these are "his people" and he should really stand up to them "for you". 

Yet you should be empathetic with him regarding how hard this is for him, so anything you can do to "shoulder some of the load" has got to be good for the long term success of your marriage.
  (which is really the important thing...right?)

My guess is that I'm going to advise you to call out some of this behavior "in a perplexed way".

"What..what?... are you asking me to do here?  It sounds like you want me to change my opinion..."

or

"it sounds like you are insisting I agree with..."

And then in a friendly and puzzled way kinda wonder aloud "aren't differences the spice of life...and to be appreciated?"

Basically...when pwBPD (and other dysfunctional types) are put in the position of explicitly naming their behavior or "backing down", you will get a lot of interesting stuff happening.

Then it's important to offer them "an easy way out"...that leaves things status quo.  They control themselves and you control yourself.


Best,

FF

FF. This is so so helpful. You know what, as I started writing out the most recent examples, I began to see that although my MIL corners and manipulates me, that my H had a fantastic pushback every single time. This is a new thing Ive seen in him.

Like saying "I won't be discussing that with you"
Or "but you said XYZ, and that contradicts with ABC?"
Or "sorry we never agreed to that"
Or "I cant see that its helpful to discuss that?"
And every time she has had nothing to say.

So Im identifying that although she can try it on me, she is getting the message that she cant try it on him.

When you said "long term success of your marriage" it reinforced, that actually, although I don't agree with patriarchy, that letting him deal with his family is the best thing for us. So therefore, a low contact profile is the way to go and enables that status quo to remain in tact without too much trouble