The love of my life and suddenly cut off - Why

[Autumn2019]

Hello everyone!

I have to write down my Story cause I feel sadly and depressed all over and Need to share my thoughts and pain with sb who can understand me.

The Story in short terms:
I am 42, she is 51. We got in touch on a Dating site before the summer. After some short Chats we exchanged our phonenumbers and had daily intense contact by WhatsApp and phone for some weeks. We understood there so well, she was very open and in a way very intense and pushing Forward the contact. There came Statements as:
- Where have you been all my life?
- "My man"
- About 1,5 years ago I would have needed you when my best friend died

Then the first date. She booked a hotel and we met up in Person the first time.
She looked older then on the Pictures but I started getting more Feelings for her. I had the most intense night with her until now in my life. The next day she took me to her home and I stayed there for two more days. We had much sex, got along nearly perfect. At night she got up and wrote a Card to me which I got the next morning: "TO MY MAN, MY...TOGEHTER WE ARE PERFECT! I LOVE YOU!" She told me that she had been single for 3,5 years, her ex has smashed her against the wall this time and the Police had to come. She told me as well that she had a burn out recently from her last Job, that she has sleeping disturbances and sometimes mind racing mid at night. I noticed that but she felt so lovely, normal and intense.

One week later I visited her again for four days. Passion, sex, love and I got comments all over…"my man, we get along so well, thanx the Internet that we have met". She made proposals in regard to common Holidays, told me that she had told her work mates, Friends and parents About me...

From time to time come Statements: she speaks About illnesses of her Friends and Family, tells me that she sometimes takes pills when she cant Sleep. She appears sad and weak in These Moments.

The last day: Intense, kisses shortly before I leave for my flight she books and Pays our next Weekend which should have been taken place 16 days later. I drive to Airport, get Texts "I miss you" , I fly home, she texts on and on. The following day as well "I love you".

Then suddenly after three days I try to call her - she does not answer and replies immediately by text that all is over. No reason. I ask her why - no concrete reason. She does not pick up the phone. She writes "you were too intense". I write but you said and wrote that you love me - she replies by text " I just replied what you said to me"...Nothing more! She blocks me!

WHAT IS THAT? FROM 180 % to 0 - completely devalued...I DO NOT UNDERSTAND.

2,5 months later: I had NC since the breakup and drive to her home town with a rose. She arrives at the Station - she Looks very, very bad...depressed, White, old...horrible. She just screams at me "go, go, go!" I follow her a bit but she refuses to speak. Just the Statement "unfortunately it did not work out with us" Comes out...I do not make any Scene, I just turn around and go…

WHAT IST THAT? Could you please give me some advice what has happened to her? What have I done wrong?

I would thank you so very much cause she is the love of my life!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi Autumn2019, and

wow. this must be heartbreaking. im glad that you reached out; youre in good company here.

i can imagine that you must want answers. i would too.

it is very difficult to tell from your story where things may have gone wrong. it could be anything.

tell us more about the last day that you spent together.

[Autumn2019]

the last day we spent togehter:

well, she was able to work from home this Tuesday so we got up, had breakfast and sat on the kitchen table before our Notebooks and worked...she was just normal. Went into her wardrobe and came back with a new skirt, asked me how this one suits her or if she should take on another one to a wedding in two weeks. Just spoke normal to her which one in my eyes is better. Than we went out for som Shopping, Hand in Hand, in between kisses on the street and in a cafe. Then we went in again and she said "before you leave I will now book our next Meeting in two weeks time. ( we agreed to meet up in another City for having a great hotel-Weekend and some Sightseeing before togehter ). she booked the hotel and her Train, paied by Card...sent me as well an E-Mail on my labtop as confirmation...then we went out waiting for the taxi bringing me to the Airport. intense kisses and cuddles..she said just 16 days and then we see each other again. the taxi came, i went to the Airport. arrived there a while later a message came from her, just normal. after my flight she texted again ( me and my cat miss you, etc...i will go to bed now etc.) - so just normal as usual. i was in a hurry but replied to her Texts...the day after we had Texts as usual and on the evening she sent me a big heart Icon and "i love you"

[lucidone]

Yikes, this sounds horrible.  Sorry that it happened to you!  Seems very extreme and sudden.  My first thought would be that there was something else going on in her life unrelated to you that caused the change in attitude.  Maybe she became anxious how intense and fast you to became close, and with the same intensity pulled away?  Maybe her ex is still in the picture?  Maybe she has some trauma from that prior relationship and feelings for you reminded her of the trauma?

Based on what you posted, it doesn't seem to be anything that you did.  Those with BPD tendencies can be extreme and impulsive, and prone to discard people with little notice or closure.  They can also fabricate issues and blame others for their own emotional turmoil.  My ex would routinely find issues with me or what I did which I could confidently state wouldn't be a problem otherwise.  Obviously none of us are perfect, but this kind of blame and projection is their issue, not something that we did.  We're just a target for it.

[Autumn2019]

Hi Lucidone,

many thanx for your Reply! Yes, I fully underline your Point of view. It is just so unbelivable...you could never imagine that a Person suddenly changes in that way and blocks you completely off. Then the Statement when I have last seen her -"unfortunately it did not work out..." you really can not understand what seems going on in her mind. I was her "man" she promised me so much and then that…

[once removed]

you could never imagine that a Person suddenly changes in that way and blocks you completely off. Then the Statement when I have last seen her -"unfortunately it did not work out..." you really can not understand what seems going on in her mind. I was her "man" she promised me so much and then that…

theres a reason (or reasons). what it is is definitely hard to pin point.

it could have been a personal crisis of sorts...something that happened in her life and set her off.

it could have been that the relationship was going too fast for her.

any of the scenarios lucidone proposed could be it.

youve been ghosted, and it really, really hurts not to know. its the kind of question that can linger for months. unfortunately, that sort of thing has become more and more common these days.

what is your best guess as to what happened with her? any hunch?

[Autumn2019]

Hi again,

I have never gone through something like this...totally confusend and ununderstandable...Why do they so adore you and then suddenly cut off all contact? Why give they you the Feeling that you are sb so Special and then
discard you? I have not done anything, just were the Person as I am...The Point is: you feel treated as you have been violent and abused them! That hurts soo much!
These days were really the greatest of my life - and then suddenly this "Cold shower". But I have worked on myself: no alcohol, regular Sports and I will be
standfast to face this Situation. When both barts drown thats really no good!
So I think I have to be strong, clear and learn that I deal with a Person who has a mental illness. I love her but at the Moment it is better that I Keep strong and stabilize myself. What do you think?

[lucidone]

Hi again,

I have never gone through something like this...totally confusend and ununderstandable...Why do they so adore you and then suddenly cut off all contact? Why give they you the Feeling that you are sb so Special and then
discard you? I have not done anything, just were the Person as I am...The Point is: you feel treated as you have been violent and abused them! That hurts soo much!
These days were really the greatest of my life - and then suddenly this "Cold shower". But I have worked on myself: no alcohol, regular Sports and I will be
standfast to face this Situation. When both barts drown thats really no good!
So I think I have to be strong, clear and learn that I deal with a Person who has a mental illness. I love her but at the Moment it is better that I Keep strong and stabilize myself. What do you think?

There's probably a few ways to interpret their behavior, but in general they see things in black or white, or all good or all bad.  It's an emotionally immature way to view things.  Children do this usually up until a certain point in their lives.  When you're painted black', like if you somehow threaten their self-esteem, they can treat you like the worst person ever.

They also go through idealization and devaluing phases.  Their fear of not having a close attachment to someone, or feeling abandonment/rejection, causes them to idealize others and bring them closer.  At some point they may get too close to someone, start to feel anxious, and start to devalue that person to push them away.  When they get pushed too far away, start pulling them back, and so on.

Of course the suddenness, unpredictability, and extremity of it all is confusing and hurtful to the rest of us.  You definitely have to be strong for it, and it seems that you have things going on in your life to help with that.  I couldn't tell you what you could to help bring you two back together, as I'm still learning how to deal with BPD tendencies myself.

Were you wanting to get back together with her, or just trying to make sense of the situation?  How long were you seeing each other for?  Sorry if I missed that.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Autumn-

I’m so sorry for the pain and confusion you’re feeling.  I know you’re missing your gf, and I’m deeply sorry that she’s ghosting you.  There’s a lot for you to miss considering you were in daily contact for months, and now silence.  Very painful.

From what you’ve said, it doesn’t sound like you’ve done anything wrong.  And it doesn’t really seem that she’s placing hard blame on you.  You are two people who fell in love fast and in an intense manner.  You responded to one another and went with your feelings from the start... caution to the wind.  And you had no way of knowing that that was a “dangerous” thing to do. 

The difference is that you trust yourself and your feelings and she doesn’t trust herself or anyone else.  The relationship and its intensity scared her, she just couldn’t say that.  It could be something as simple as your age difference and a thought popped in her head that you will want children and she cannot give you that.

If you have her home mailing address, after some time passes perhaps you can send her a nice card saying you understand and respect that she wants space.  However you just want her to know that she remains in your heart.  Thoughts?

I’m sorry.  How long has it been since your last contact?  Three months?  More?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Autumn2019]

Dear both and warm thanx for your relpies!

We just med in total seven days but These days were emotionally the luckiest and intense love days i ever had in my life. Before that we were in contact by WhatsApp and phone for About three weeks.

You know...she made it so intense! And it just was so perfect between us! She stated she was so lucky having met me in her life and all this...I still have her Hand written Card "to my man, my xxx, togehter we are perfect! i love you!"

I wanna wait now until Christmas in NC and then prepare a nice chistmas package for her with some Hand made Food as cakes and a Card where I write that I still and Always love her.

No pressure on here! I think I have to Focus here on the Long term...

[Autumn2019]

...that is the only way to deal with this Situation I guess..

[Skip]

No one of us can know what happened, but let me propose a possible scenario. You may have been in a rebound relationship.

To the outside observer, a rebound relationship may be a bit puzzling. The person spent years with their partner, and instead of grieving or having time to themselves, they are now in a new relationship. To understand why they happen, you have to put yourself in the shoes of the person. They may have been living with their partner for years. They may have had a stable income because of that and have all their social and sexual needs fulfilled. When that is taken away from them, they're panicking. They want that stability again, and they may rush out to be in a relationship with someone else. Besides the stability, a rebound relationship hopes that it will make the person forget about their old partner. While this may work in some cases, in other cases, it may make the problem worse. The main problem with rebounds is that the person may not be emotionally ready to handle another relationship. What do we mean by this? The person is still more than likely attached to their ex, and the relationship will have that elephant in the room. The person may just think of their new lover as a substitute for their ex instead of an individual. Also, the person is still blinded by emotion and may pursue a new relationship before getting to know the other person.

The key question for me would be "did her ex came back into the picture". It would explain the quick and absolute shut down. She couldn't have you around.

It could also be the Internet dating musical chairs. Mary likes John. John goes Jennifer. Mary takes her second choice, Austin. Jennifer blows off John. John calls Mary. Mary blows off Austin. The Internet musical chairs routine is the downside of entering the Internet fray. It happens all the time.

So if either of my scenarios are correct, they often fail. Relationships with a lot of breakups often end. And 98% of Internet relationships fail within 3 months.  But it takes time.

I wanna wait now until Christmas in NC and then prepare a nice chistmas package for her with some Hand made Food as cakes and a Card where I write that I still and Always love her.

No pressure on here! I think I have to Focus here on the Long term...

If she has some unfinished business, you have no choice but to wait it out - or plant a seed, go on with your life, and see what destiny brings (e.g., her back or someone new).

Question is, how does she feel about you? My guess is that they overwhelming feeling is guilt. She liked you, you were a nice guy, and she had a hard choice to make and made it. She couldn't face you and explain it.

Gifts that she can't reciprocate, or might have to ditch, are likely to add to the guilt and distancing and maybe bad feelings.

Professions of love are just going to devalue you in her eys - if you profess love to someone who just slammed the door in your face, its sounds like you have no better options in life than to take second chair. No women wants that guy.

The most attractive move might be to be bigger, be cool, be understanding, and leave the door open for when she is ready.

Maybe the message is something like "Just wanted to let you know that there are no hard feelings, Allie. Life is complicated. I get that. You did what you felt you needed to do. All is good.

You are a special lady and we really enjoyed our time together. If that is all it was meant to be, it will be a great memory. Maybe there is a second chapter out there for us, maybe, someday."

Curious to hear others take on all of this.

[Autumn2019]

Deat both!

Thank you so very much for your comments - it helps me really, really a lot!

But what is this:

- She said that she has been single for About 3,5 yrs before we met. She said that in this last relationship (3,5 yrs) ago her ex smashed her against the wall and the polica had to come. Really These staements ( "you are the first man since 3,5 yrs sleeping in my bed" , "I am the Girl with my girlfriends who is Always single")

- She said that she sometimes has mind racing at night. Then her thoughts are racing for ca. 15 mins and she has to get up and sit down. ( That happened actually when I was there, too ). She told me that she had to sit down cause of this in her kitchen while I was sleeping
- She said that the had a Burnout from her former Job at the beginning of this year
- She said that she sometimes cant Sleep and the doctor gave her Medicine for this
- She said that she has kidney Stones

When I went to see her last month without telling her before ( I waited at the Train Station where she goes and Comes from work ) she looked so badly, thin, White in her face and stressed and so much old(er). I was really shocked.

(On Instagram she Always uses face filters and Looks much, much younger - do borderliners do this with much Selfies etc. and have a "parallel universe?")

Looking Forward to your comments/ thoughts...

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Autumn-

I’m not much of a social media user, but I’ve noticed that a LOT of people use filters, not just pwBPD.

When you saw her at the train station a month ago and she looked thin, pale and stressed, she may have been going through as hard a time as you over the loss of your relationship.  Remember- she engaged with you as much as you engaged with her.  All the feelings she expressed, she likely DID feel when she said she did.  You’ve no reason to doubt that.

However because of her BPD, she doesn’t have the skills to address the ending in a calm and “adult” manner.  It’s too painful for her.  And perhaps she cannot explain the ending to you in words because She likely cannot explain it to herself.

Sadly, sometimes there’s simply nothing we can do.  We cannot heal them or love them to wellness.  I’m so sorry.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Autumn2019]

Hi Gemsforeyes ,

thank you that you share my thoughts and pain! It really helps me a lot reading your comments…

Why can they just be so cruel? Why is everything so intense ( the love and the way they pull away)?

There is really no "normal" explenation for These Actions...

[Autumn2019]

Hi Gemsforeyes,

I will thank you so very much for your replies to my post. Your answers really helped me a lot better understanding the Situation and her behaviour. Chistmas is next month and I have decided to send her a Card or a small gift then, stating that she is still in my heart…

Do you have any ideas how to continue / go on with her?

[lucidone]

Why can they just be so cruel? Why is everything so intense ( the love and the way they pull away)?

They may act in a cruel manner as they're willing to do anything that they think they need to do to avoid feelings of abandonment or insecurity or engulfment.  E.g. if they sense engulfment then they may push you away with cruelty or it may give them a sense of superiority or a sense of being in control.

They tend to have an immature way of viewing people in the sense that they are either all good or all bad.  E.g., if you are being perceived as the worst person in the world, then the 'appropriate' response would be to treat you as such.

Some with a more narcissistic thought process may simply not care about (or even consider) your feelings or how their behavior affects you, which can make the above easier to do.

Those with BPD/NPD tend to have extreme mood swings, so someone who is extremely angry, whether its justified or not, could have an equally angry behavior towards someone.

It's very hurtful and confusing to be treated in such a way by someone who supposedly loves you, when its inproportionate to the situation, and when it's sudden. . It's not at all how 'normal' feelings and relations between people are suppose to work.  I know its hard, but try to remember its not your fault.  With people like this ANYTHING can set them off.  Sure they may blame you, but thats a defense mechanism.  They tend to blame something external to them as the cause of their emotions and thoughts.  They're the cause;  they're to blame.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Autumn-

I was just reading back through your posts, from the beginning, trying to piece together what may be in her mind.

This may have NOTHING to do with anything, but have you considered... the first time you met she booked the first night in the hotel, then you went to her house for the next two nights.

The second weekend you went to hers for four nights.

Before you left, she booked and paid on her card for the next visit at a hotel in a different city that you both agreed on.

So let’s look at this... and I don’t know either of your financial positions.  But I will tell you that this is a very HOT button with me now... the fact that I carried most of the expenses during my marriage and the same thing is happening with my BPDbf.

This is MY fault.  I have allowed this to happen over time.  My BPD/NPD boyfriend has more money than I do, he comes to my home all the time and I pay for EVERYTHING.  ALL the time.  And this “attitude” spills over into every vacation we have ever taken together.  So my resentment has now built to a fever pitch and I need to address it with him.

So perhaps (maybe?) in your gf’s last relationship she was not only a victim of physical abuse, but taken advantage of financially.  And somehow she’s feeling that from you?

I don’t know, Autumn.  Have you discussed sharing expenses of your visits with her?

Women do like men to step up and at least share with us, but not lean on us.  And when we feel deeply for a man, it can be a very hard topic to bring up if a man does NOT step up and offer financial help.

Please forgive me if I’m way off and you have paid for groceries, dinners and reimbursed for hotel expenses.  I don’t intend to insult you, please know that my friend.

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Autumn2019]

Hi Gemsforeyes!

Many thanx that you replied again and takt time to support me!

Well, the time we spent togehter I have underlined clearly that she does not have to bear that Costs all the time. I said to her I will give her Money back for the second hotel booking or invite her the next time in a hotel. I have paied dinner twice when we were togehter, asked as well if she needed something from the shop while I went in there for buying some stuff. I have no real idea but can not imagine that this could be a reason for such a brutal reaction from her side.

But: There was another Thing!

When I was at her place the second time she had to go to work one day ( she was allowed having Homeoffice the other days….) She gave me the key to her flat. The day she went to work I went out in the morning due to going for a run. When I returned the key did not work. I went into a shop nearby, asked for a telephone and called her at work. She called a friend and ca. 30 mins later her friend ( a Woman ) came and gave me another key. Later on when she came home from work we spoke About that and tested the keys at the doorlock. She said "strange" I thought the key I gave you should work cause I made it at the lockservice ( on the key she gave me first was a sign from the doorservice ).

Anyway, when I flew home - just one day bevor the breakup there was a WhatsApp from her: "Did you take with you a key?" I could not understand this and just answered "No, I did not take with me any key…" After this WhatsApp Things became strange in the way that from this day/ Point the contact faded until two days later when she suddenly broke up in the way I have mentioned before.

Do you think this could Maybe have triggered her?

[Autumn2019]

Hello everyone!

I have to write down my Story cause I feel sadly and depressed all over and Need to share my thoughts and pain with sb who can understand me.

The Story in short terms:
I am 42, she is 51. We got in touch on a Dating site before the summer. After some short Chats we exchanged our phonenumbers and had daily intense contact by WhatsApp and phone for some weeks. We understood there so well, she was very open and in a way very intense and pushing Forward the contact. There came Statements as:
- Where have you been all my life?
- "My man"
- About 1,5 years ago I would have needed you when my best friend died

Then the first date. She booked a hotel and we met up in Person the first time.
She looked older then on the Pictures but I started getting more Feelings for her. I had the most intense night with her until now in my life. The next day she took me to her home and I stayed there for two more days. We had much sex, got along nearly perfect. At night she got up and wrote a Card to me which I got the next morning: "TO MY MAN, MY...TOGEHTER WE ARE PERFECT! I LOVE YOU!" She told me that she had been single for 3,5 years, her ex has smashed her against the wall this time and the Police had to come. She told me as well that she had a burn out recently from her last Job, that she has sleeping disturbances and sometimes mind racing mid at night. I noticed that but she felt so lovely, normal and intense.

One week later I visited her again for four days. Passion, sex, love and I got comments all over…"my man, we get along so well, thanx the Internet that we have met". She made proposals in regard to common Holidays, told me that she had told her work mates, Friends and parents About me...

From time to time come Statements: she speaks About illnesses of her Friends and Family, tells me that she sometimes takes pills when she cant Sleep. She appears sad and weak in These Moments.

The last day: Intense, kisses shortly before I leave for my flight she books and Pays our next Weekend which should have been taken place 16 days later. I drive to Airport, get Texts "I miss you" , I fly home, she texts on and on. The following day as well "I love you".

Then suddenly after three days I try to call her - she does not answer and replies immediately by text that all is over. No reason. I ask her why - no concrete reason. She does not pick up the phone. She writes "you were too intense". I write but you said and wrote that you love me - she replies by text " I just replied what you said to me"...Nothing more! She blocks me!

WHAT IS THAT? FROM 180 % to 0 - completely devalued...I DO NOT UNDERSTAND.

2,5 months later: I had NC since the breakup and drive to her home town with a rose. She arrives at the Station - she Looks very, very bad...depressed, White, old...horrible. She just screams at me "go, go, go!" I follow her a bit but she refuses to speak. Just the Statement "unfortunately it did not work out with us" Comes out...I do not make any Scene, I just turn around and go…

WHAT IST THAT? Could you please give me some advice what has happened to her? What have I done wrong?

I would thank you so very much cause she is the love of my life!

Hello again!

I will thank you so very much for helping me and supporting me with your comments to my recent post as above. It was a great help receiving your
inputs and helped me better to understand this situation.

I found out some interesting fact now:

Outgoing from what I have found out About her she is probably bisexual and
orientated to women as well.

Is this usual for borderlines due to a lack of identity?
Could this Maybe explain her Splitting behaviour as well?

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Autumn-

I’m glad you’ve come back to the boards.   I hope you’re feeling a bit better and taking good care of yourself. 

I don’t believe any of us would be qualified to answer whether bisexuality is a BPD trait.  It’s NOT on the DSM’s list of traits as far as I know.  My personal belief is that bisexuality is NOT a trait.

I have known a few very kind and peaceful friends over the years (men AND women) who’ve fallen in love with people simply for who they were, regardless of their gender ... that’s how they explained it to me.  These people did not identify as “bisexual” at the time... they just loved who they loved.  I found these people more serene than odd, as these friends were having relationships, not sexual romps.  They were not searching for a sexual identity.  This was years ago, but maybe now they WOULD ID as bisexual.  Who knows?  Who cares?

In thinking back on what took place with your gf, it’s so important to know that it wasn’t you she “rejected”.  It just wasn’t.  It was pretty clear through the bits she DID disclose in the short time you knew her that she was troubled.  The goodness and love she felt with you was as real to her as it was to you.  But for some pwBPD, They simply cannot allow themselves to be happy; to let any love flourish.  It’s too painful and full of risk.  That’s not your fault.  And she cannot explain that to you. 

And my friend, even if she occasionally has relationships with women, that has nothing to do with how she felt with you.  Not at all.

At least to my way of thinking.

Have you had any contact at all?  Do you plan to?

Please keep posting.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Autumn2019]

Hi again Gemsforeyes!

I will thank you so much for your time and reply! It helps a lot when geting support / understanding by other persons and your comments really are a
big support for me.

It becomes clearer and clearer for me: She is probably bisexual. On her older
social media posts there are clear indicators for that. She seems to have had
female "girlfriends" throughout the recent years. Anyway, this is Nothing I Judge
her for and I can imagine when you have depressions, show clear symtopms of BPD you may have an unstable identity and could possibly switch. Probably she had bad experiences with men in the past and is therefore attracted to women as well…Could it be an emotional chaos inside her? Love and Feelings for me, Depression, borderline and then maybe this?

I have prepared a Christmas Card for her and a photo which i will send her. I just wrote that I send her a "star" which shall Always support her, take care of her etc...
I wrote as well "in love" from me...In Addition to that I send her a package with some traqditional Christmas Cookies...

I really love her and will fight, as Long as it may take!

Wish you all a nice Chritmas and the best for the upcoming year!

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Autumn-

Merry Christmas to you.  I hope your girl will be able to receive the lovely Christmas cookies and card with the beautiful caring sentiment that you intend.

I wish you blessings and light of the season and a very happy new year.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Autumn2019]

Hi again and many warm thanx for your replies. It is a great support and help for me with your support!
Some updated Inputs About my Posts:

It becomes clearer and clearer for me that she probably is bisexual and attracted to women as well. LINK TO BPD: Could this be caused by a lack of identity as well? Do they need constant somebody and switch between sexes as well in Desperation?

I guess the following: There must happened abuses before so that she since her 30s or longer is attracted to women as well. Then in between she had a male Partner who abused her ( probably again ) and she went over to women again.

She and me came close, all BPD traits came out and she skizzed her mental Problems ( former Burnout, Depression … ). When I came too close to her she
devalued me and switched to a women again. ( She was togehter with this women exactly as well the Weekend / days ) she suddenly broke up with me...

Could this be a complete confuison? BPD traits with switching between sexes.

What do you think? Do you have experience / Inputs hereto?

I love her and will forever love her, just understanding makes the Situation so much better for me...

[once removed]

i met a gal once, some years ago.

at the time, she was a professed bisexual. one of her last serious relationships was with a transgendered person who had become a male. i knew all of this.

we didnt get very serious, didnt really go anywhere.

not long after that, she was in a lesbian relationship, joined a lesbian relationship group on facebook, became an avowed lesbian.

dated a couple of guys after that, including my best friend.

i dont think the person im speaking of has much if anything to do with BPD. its really, really hard to say if the person you are speaking of does.

i would chalk most of it up to the fact that the two of you were in a relatively brief, whirlwind relationship. its hard to know a person, really know a person and their history in that time.

[Reggie55]

I think the first red light came up when she said "I love you" on the very first date.  While you were very much into her and such an admission can be intoxicating, I personally would have very little faith that someone who tells me "I love you" on a first date can sustain their feelings over time.

That being said, many men and women are fickle about their feelings -- particularly on dating sites.  And in many cases, such unpredictable behaviour may have little to do with BPD.

Also, your association of BPD and bisexuality is unwarranted and off the mark IMHO.

I'm not saying this to be judgmental as many of us (myself included) suffer from being a bit "weak" at times.  We try to hold on situations that may be unhealthy or even impossible.

You've seen this woman for a few days and she has changed her mind.  This happens all the time.

My advice to you would be to calm down and play it cool.  You can't play the love and passion card when she is not in the same mind set.  You have already done a lot to express your feelings to this woman -- and the aftermath has lasted much longer than the actual relationship already.

Leave the door open -- but start thinking about yourself and keep an eye out for other potential lovers as well.