Should I Get Back in Contact?

[jojo8786]

Hello all! Just a warning, this is my first post and it's a long one. I appreciate any help and patience regarding this situation.

I'm starting this thread as I'm so confused as to what to do. Back at the end of November I had a nervous breakdown after having intrusive thoughts about harming my girlfriend. You see, she has BPD and has been getting it treated for years now, but what I didn't know was that I myself was depressed and recently discovered I'm suffering from codependency as well.

The breakdown came after my girlfriend had snapped at me multiple times the day before and I just bottled it up. The next day after smoking marijuana with her, something that she got me into during the course of our relationship, the feelings of inadequacy, rage, and annoyance coupled with paranoia from smoking ended up making me have these terrible intrusive thoughts. I immediately told my girlfriend, who I was living with at the time, and explained that I should leave as I didn't understand my thoughts and was mortified that I may hurt her. We embraced, cried with each other, then I left. I didn't intend to mean this as a break up, but she took it in this way. I simply meant to leave without incident.

I eventually got a therapist to understand what was happening to me and why I was reacting in such a way. The codependency and feeling of depression compounded in a manner that caused me to ruminate on my intrusive thoughts. At least I was beginning to understand and get somewhere at this point.

Fast forward a week later and I made contact with her wanting to discuss what happened further. We had dinner and she explained that she wasn't comfortable with our situation at this time.

I accepted that we were broken up and started moving my things out of her apartment.

When I was to pick up the remainder of my things we were both hit with a bombshell. She found out she was pregnant. It was after this moment that she wanted to try again with me but I explained that I would still need separation as I handled my own mental health issues. She wanted things to go back to how they were and was excited to be pregnant and ready to start a family.

I however was filled with doubts. After going to a doctor's appointment with her I spent the night at her place, but I continued to maintain that we still spend some time apart as I was still having anxiety and emotional flashbacks to having my intrusive thoughts. She then maintained that she didn't want me to come around as it was sending mixed signals.

A day and a car crash later, I spoke to her on the phone and confessed that I wondered if we were ready to have a child with everything that was going on. I want children and I wanted children with her, but my mindset was that I just had a mental episode that I couldn't explain and it made me fearful of the future.

This is when things got really bad.

She cursed me and said she'd never forgive me and scheduled an appointment for an abortion. At this point she had run out of her medication and her mom lost her follow up package. She had the procedure done and while I tried to be supportive she cursed me and family out (looking at them as coddling me for allowing me to stay with them after my episode).

She and her friend packed up the rest of my thing and left it in front of her apartment door, refusing to see me. I took my things and left. I left her a hand written letter explaining that I still loved her, but she emailed me later to tear into me.

A few days later her sister and her friend would make contact with me explaining that my ex-girlfriend's new prescription had arrived but that they couldn't get it to her. They asked if I could do it. At this point I probably should have said no, but I was feeling guilty and also want to do something kind/right. I said yes, contacted my ex who agreed it was ok for me to come, and picked up the medication as well as her dog that she had dropped off to her family prior and drove them over to her.

When I arrived her place was in shambles. She herself was unkempt, hair a mess and looking completely manic, which broke my heart. I placed everything down and she began to have a breakdown upon seeing me and crying hysterically. Eventually she screamed at me to leave and not knowing what else to do, I left.

I went outside and sat in my rental worried about her state. Something told me not to leave, that I had to stay, and I did for another 30 minutes. I spoke to her friend, her sister, her brother in-law asking if they could check in on her. They all said she wasn't responding.

I rushed back into the apartment and knocked on her door until she opened up. This time she looked completely out of it, eyes unfocused, lids hooded. I asked what was wrong and eventually she confessed to swallowing a bunch of pills. I started to cry and freak out, called poison control then decided to drive her to the hospital.

I stayed with her at the hospital for several hours. It was New Years Eve and she kept telling me that I didn't have to stay and that it was unfair of me to have to be there and watch over her. She was afraid to tell her parents and only her sister and her best friend knew at this point. I told her no and stayed anyway. She started talking about us getting back together and working through this and I explained that my ability to set boundaries and deal with my own codependency were so compromised that I'm uncertain if we should rush back into anything.

I finally agreed after several more hours to go back to her apartment and spend the night and look over the dog. I would eventually wake up a couple hours later and head back to the hospital.

That's when I learned that she would be taken to an outpatient hospital.

She eventually told her family what was happening, embarrassed about the whole thing. I stayed with her until the transfer, drove after the ambulance, and followed her in as she was admitted. Her parents eventually came to the hospital as well.

The last time I saw her she was in hospital clothes and staring up at me. I hugged her tight and couldn't stop crying. She contacted me the next day from the hospital and I explained that maybe we should limit contact for now. That was three and a half weeks ago now.

Since then I was able to do a lot of good inner child work, reparenting, reading books on codependency and CPTSD, as well as watching a ton of YouTube videos on mental health and recovery. I've getting therapy through Talk Space and had been doing so since the beginning of December. It's helped a lot.

I went on a weekend trip with some friends that had been planned previously and while I felt pretty down I made the most of it, hoping to give my mind a bit of a reprieve.

But the last two weeks have been utter hell. She's on my mind now constantly and I'm crying every single day. There hasn't been a day for the past two weeks that I haven't cried at least twice.

Now all I can think about is her and wanting to reach out. My therapist is trying to convince me not to, but I just can't stop thinking about her and wondering if she's ok. I care about myself and getting my own treatment as well, but I'm wondering if I can still salvage this relationship. Maybe I'm being stupid, but because she's tried to help me so much with my own depression and has already been deep in her own treatment of her BPD I'm wondering if we can still make this work.

Am I being foolish? I just miss her so much everyday that it's killing me.

TL;DR after having a breakdown in November, my ex-girlfriend and I have been in limbo. We found out she was pregnant, she had an abortion based on my fear of being a father in my own mental state and seeing me again after dropping off her things led her to try to commit suicide by taking pills. Spent two days with her at the hospital where she asked if we can work through this where I said I don't know. Now, after weeks of no contact, I'm desperately wanting to get back in touch with her and see if by having our own separate counseling as well as some together if we can work things out. Am I crazy? Can it be done? Should I refrain from contacting her and leave things alone?

I know it's a long read, but any advice would help. I miss her and love her so much and I'm in total agony.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pursuingJoy]

jojo, I'd like to extend a warm welcome!  Thanks for sharing your story. I can really feel the pain you're experiencing. I know this is hard.

I think you did the right thing in giving yourself and your gf space after your intrusive thoughts.    As a recovering codependent myself, I learned that part of my recovery is learning to recognize feelings when they happen. I'm getting better at it, but recovery is lifelong.

Since then I was able to do a lot of good inner child work, reparenting, reading books on codependency and CPTSD, as well as watching a ton of YouTube videos on mental health and recovery. I've getting therapy through Talk Space and had been doing so since the beginning of December. It's helped a lot.

I went on a weekend trip with some friends that had been planned previously and while I felt pretty down I made the most of it, hoping to give my mind a bit of a reprieve.

It sounds like you're taking great steps! Keep up the good work!

Now all I can think about is her and wanting to reach out. My therapist is trying to convince me not to, but I just can't stop thinking about her and wondering if she's ok.

I hear a good deal of panic. Is that accurate? Why do you think your therapist is telling you not to contact her?

The darkest times in my life (during my divorce and therapy for sexual and emotional abuse) were also the most emotionally overwhelming and confusing. The best thing I did for myself during these very dark moments was listening to the voices of wisdom and reason around me. I sought advice from people around me, just like you are, and I took their advice because I knew that decisions made during moments of anxiety could lead to more issues.

Do you trust your therapist? What do you fear will happen if you do not contact her?

So glad you're here. Share more when you can!
pj

[jojo8786]

Thanks so much for the reply PJ. I wouldn't say anxious exactly, but I do wonder that if I don't contact her that I'll never have a chance at trying again, this time with a clear head, tools, a therapist, and understanding of my own issues. She'll move on and not want to deal with me/believe that I don't care.

I do trust my therapist as she has offered some great advice to me so far. For me, I just love this girl so much and realize that she's going through a lot. The thing is that she actively seeks help for her issues and isn't just content to live with untreated BPD. My fear is that I'll never get to have a second chance with a woman who is truly kind and caring despite dealing with her personality disorder.

There's some guilt involved because I know my issues triggered her, though the steps she took and her actions are of her own doing and not my fault.

I appreciate your help and glad I found this site as I've been in a bad way.

[Narza]

Hi Jojo and welcome.  I completely understand that you want to contact her as you are worried that you will miss your chance, i am in the same boat right now, i want my Ex back so badly and understand that if you / I dont message them soon then they are gone forever.

Thing is, lets say you contact her, and she doesnt want to get back together, or on the flip side, you two get back together tomorrow, however she has an episode and starts raging at you in a couple days / weeks time?  Are you mentally ready to be able to cope with these scenarios?

You are of a similar timeline to me, maybe a week or two behind.  I was fine for the first 2 weeks, third week, OMG so hard, and genuinely wanting to break down and cry, snapping at people, my fuse was extremely short.  This isnt the state of mind you want to be in when contacting your ex.  You still need to work on yourself and build yourself back up.  I had some great advise to my post "Thoughts on lies"  and honestly it has flipped a switch in my brain and im rebuilding myself back up, im getting back to the old me this week and i feel great.  Far away from being 100% but further away from being 0% which i felt like last week.

Just giving you my thoughts / experiences and hope they are of some use to you.  Were all rooting for each other here and want the best for everyone.  Good luck.

[Rev]

Hello all! Just a warning, this is my first post and it's a long one. I appreciate any help and patience regarding this situation.


TL;DR after having a breakdown in November, my ex-girlfriend and I have been in limbo. We found out she was pregnant, she had an abortion based on my fear of being a father in my own mental state and seeing me again after dropping off her things led her to try to commit suicide by taking pills. Spent two days with her at the hospital where she asked if we can work through this where I said I don't know. Now, after weeks of no contact, I'm desperately wanting to get back in touch with her and see if by having our own separate counseling as well as some together if we can work things out. Am I crazy? Can it be done? Should I refrain from contacting her and leave things alone?

I know it's a long read, but any advice would help. I miss her and love her so much and I'm in total agony.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. 

Hi Jo

You asked for advice - so here is what my intuition is telling me.

You said that you trust your therapist.  Your therapist cannot tell you what to feel but a good therapist will help us understand how to factor our feelings into our choices. Sometimes, because our emotions are not properly channelled, the coaching we get feels counter-intuitive.

My gut tells me that you've got a ways to go to get your thoughts and feelings in balance with each other.  No contact is a way for us to do that.  For me, it's been identified as being able to talk to my ex face to face as if it would be the first time I ever met her. I am a long, long way away from that.

What do you think getting your thoughts and feelings in balance would like for you?

You're doing great by the way. Takes a lot of courage to face ourselves in the midst of all of this. Everybody here is only wanting the best of everybody here. And that is awesome.


Rev.

[pursuingJoy]

Rev and Narza offer excellent, balanced insight from personal experience! Rev is so right about some of the best feedback feeling counterintuitive in the moment.

I do wonder that if I don't contact her that I'll never have a chance at trying again, this time with a clear head, tools, a therapist, and understanding of my own issues. She'll move on and not want to deal with me/believe that I don't care.

I think a lot about 'loving' out of fear. I read an article recently that stated, "The opportunity to choose love and reject fear presents itself in the smallest moments of life, and specifically, in relationships with those closest to us." I can identify my fearful reactions and emotions when I stop long enough to ask myself why I want to do or say something. "To choose love in these situations is to first, pause and take a full breath before doing anything."

I see you doing that in a significant way right now - taking a full breath. You're taking the time to become the best version of yourself, one that is centered and balanced and healthy, so that you can love her well. Bravo! 
 

There's some guilt involved because I know my issues triggered her, though the steps she took and her actions are of her own doing and not my fault.

Love your self-awareness in this statement. You know your part and you allow her to carry the part that is hers. My issues have triggered my H as well. It's sort of the nature of relationships, I guess. It's why it's so important for us to become stronger and healthy.

[jojo8786]

I appreciate all of your responses, they help a great deal!

I think what really hurts is seeing her in the hospital bed and her asking me to keep trying with her. At the time I said I had to learn to build boundaries and be stronger. But at the same time I did want to say yes and be with her. Now I feel like I'm getting chewed up inside.

I understand that we both need to do a lot of work. Can I work on my issues and still be with her? Can she do the same? These are the questions driving me nuts.

In the past I would just try to move on and forget about the situation and say "you'll find someone else" but this time feels different. She accepted my faults and while I wanted to accept hers (she told me she was recovering from BPD and actively battling the disorder), I didn't truly realize what was in store. My own issues that were untreated put up a block that caused me to not be aware of my needs or her own.

Again, I appreciate this community and I'm hoping to give back in some way as well.

[Rev]

I appreciate all of your responses, they help a great deal!

Again, I appreciate this community and I'm hoping to give back in some way as well.

You already are, and you will continue.

Good luck.

Rev