Response, how do I handle not in-person attacks?

[Snowdog]

Note: that emoji was suppose to be a sad face...there's nothing 'cute' here.

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[UBPDHelp]

Hi Harri,

Thank you for the guidance.

Your suggestions are helpful. It feels strange to me to “want to help” him understand that I am an immoral slut. Yes, I slept with my previous boyfriend a few times before I even knew H.  I’ve never cheated on him and it is difficult to be given a life sentence over this.

But, I think it is a matter of changing my mindset, so I’ll be giving this some more thought to see if I can find a place that helps him without damaging me further.

I have left the conversation/room before (more recently) but haven’t given a specific time I’ll return. The truth is, I don’t want to return to the conversation ever again so I don’t offer. There is absolutely nothing new to be learned, no stone left unturned and it has so damaged my psyche at this point, I simply can’t continue to discuss.

I’ve spent 15 years at least with this popping up at varying frequencies, with it being very close to his surface the last 5-6 years. I guess I’m feeling that if there’s no way he’ll stop and no way I have the want/strength to continue discussing, there is not much hope.

Your language in lieu of “civil conversation” is definitely better (at least from my perspective) and I will definitely give it a try. That said I have said civil conversation to him and it hasn’t seemed to further upset him, but if I were to say for instance, pickle, he might freak out. He makes unnatural connections, that no one else would make so it is difficult.

I have recently told him that it is hard to speak with him sometimes because some words mean something different to him than they do to me (and virtually everyone else) AND if there is a “misunderstanding” he doesn’t allow me the opportunity to describe what I mean (I’m sure now this is JADEing).  But I can’t create new pathways to his rages when discussing needing to get an oil change, so I don’t know how to not explain some things.

Re: the texts, I have not responded before but usually I will try to call him or speak to him in person because I feel like so much is lost in written messages.

I mean he sent a long rant and told me to confirm I read every word. I did — very simply restating that I had done as requested. His reply?  You are smug, proud of yourself and think you did nothing wrong.

I can’t compromise the last bit of me to make him feel better about an irrational, baseless and almost wholly fabricated delusion he has.

So the not replying has met with different results. Sometimes I get more ranting texts, sometimes ignored when he comes home, sometimes he’s moved on as if nothing happened.

Regardless of where I am in this journey (which I’m pretty sure is currently spinning in circles), I so very much appreciate that you’ve taken the time to listen, let alone help. Thank you.

[UBPDHelp]

Hi Turkish,

Thank you for the reply and reminder link to the tools. It’s a lot of info and I’m still in the mixing them up mode!  I have a couple of follow up questions and request for feedback.

But, let me start with the food issue.  So, in reading this, I’m like, oh, the refusing to eat dinner doesn’t happen often so this isn’t really an issue.  But after reflecting on it, realize this is no different than the “what do you want to do/I don’t know, what do you want to do” scenario that plays out a million different ways. (I’m not much of an innuendo type of gal, I take things at face value and need a lot of time to digest things — I wonder if that’s a curse of an empath — always considering all sides?)

Anyway, it is frustrating because there are plenty of times I very distinctly say what I want to do, but then he gives other options and it feels like he’s saying he wants to do those (if he was okay with my choice, why give other options?) and ultimately everyone gets frustrated and he gets mad.

So I’m going to try to take the lead on decision making for everyday things and maybe boil down big decisions to two options and be ready to state which I believe is the best path.

Do you think that would work?

Now, if you don’t mind, some more help.

I totally misunderstood extinction bursts and thought the pwBPD was the driver. Okay, reset.

So ultimately for me to deal with this relationship, I would like to NEVER have any one of a million conversations about the old bf/immoral slut again.  I have been honest from the moment we met (maybe that was the mistake?), answered questions along the way, but as you aptly understood, it has been soo long.  There is zero to be gained from continuing the conversation.

So here is my attempt to extinction burst it trying to implement all the feedback everyone has given (trying might be the very key word, here).

H — any variation of immoral slut
Me — I know this is upsetting to you and I’d like to help, but I can’t. I can’t listen to this anymore and I don’t know how to respond to things I have answered before.  I am feeling attacked.  I don’t like being attacked or spoken to this way so I am going to take a breather for 30 minutes.”
 (Thanks Harri)

**side note, I have told him I won’t discuss before.  He’ll say “you’ll discuss anything I tell you” or “you’ll answer my questions”, etc.  I don’t know if it’s because I was angry when I said I wouldn’t discuss or if he’s simply trying to control.

So, repeat the above each and every time he brings this up?  Refuse to discuss, restate reply and remove myself.

And know that he’s going to get more aggressive (verbally) for a while.

Do I have that correct?

Admittedly there are some other behaviors to work on, mine included, but this is such a prevailing part of the relationship these days, that stopping this would probably be an 80-90% improvement.

Question though, assuming this isn’t the void filler anymore, won’t he just find something else?  Then repeat, but for how long?

So just info regarding your final questions. 

Looking back, he’s had some abandonment.  Parents divorced, little contact with his mom and some siblings.  He’s had a lot of work stress and kids leaving the nest stress.  I think he puts on an image that he has all the answers but doesn’t really so he gets panicky when big things happen he doesn’t know how to handle. He did have a big work disappointment I think around the increase. He doesn’t really talk about it (it was big) and even though not in his control, I know he felt it was a huge failure.

Re: narcissism, I don’t know.  No one knows he feels this way because no one knows I’m a slut because that would change their view of him. Shame I am trying to figure out. A long time ago he almost hinted about at the very least being inappropriately propositioned by an older man. He has never said anything but started to almost insinuate it but completely backed off. I never pursued it but have wondered sometimes if something happened.

He loves seeing guys be promiscuous and that’s fine, but if a girl behaves exactly the same, she is a slut.  Maybe he’s made at his old gf who dumped him for someone else. It always baffles me that he could take someone’s virginity,(1? 2? 3?) thereby making them of no value any longer. So bizarre to me.

Anyway, thank you again for listening, for your help and hopefully your extinction burst help!

[UBPDHelp]

Hi Snowdog,

Thank you for your reply and show of support.

I am sorry you are going through this as well.  It is indeed challenging. I need space to see things clearly, too and understand being caught up in the moment when such an obvious “fix” was right there (I’ll be back in 30). This NEVER occurred to me, but then being spewed hateful words at me, it never occurred to me he felt abandoned. Yikes!

And, truthfully, I go between I can’t do this anymore and if I could just fix this one thing, then everything would be better.

Looking back however, if I’d known this is the course my life would go, I don’t know that I would do it again. The kicker is I would never give up my kids. 

I am no expert, but I would say to find the blessing in the space you’ve been given and work on things for you. And be prepared with the tools if that’s the path you choose. But this is your time for you...make the most of it FOR you.

No worries about the cute emoji.  Sometimes the absurdity makes me laugh between the frustrations. A happy emoji is good for a lot of things...hope you want to be using it again soon.

Bless you for the support and in your journey.

[I Am Redeemed]

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