What next?

[Carguy]

Hey, everyone!

 So my ex BPD and I have recycled quite a few times. I'm not sure if there will be a recycle this time but I guess I'll see in time.

I would like some advice though. As I have posted previously, She has told me to just stay away from her. After she told me this she asked for favours and gave me mixed signals and then reaffirmed that she wanted me to leave her alone when I would try to be friendly and talk with her.

In our past she has never came right out and told me to just stay away.

This time she is upset because after she pushed me away this time and told me to go live my life and that she wanted limited contact, I went out on some dates with another woman. The relationship with this other woman only lasted 2 weeks but it obviously triggered her fear of abandonment the most it ever has. She has been extremely angry about it even though she admitted she did not know why because she said we were just friends and told me to go live my life. When we talked over a month ago she even flat out ask me through anger if I got this other woman pregnant.

From advice from this board. I have been trying to maintain my distance. In our past almost all of the time I have been the one to reach out. She has said she has a hard time reaching out to others. She has also told me I need to push through her barriers. Problem with that is several times I was unsure of what was a barrier (break through and show me you love me), and what was what she would call a boundrŷ (leave me alone or I'll get more angry and you'll push me away further). Several times when I asked her in the moment which it was she didn't know either.

I think keeping my distance for now is a good idea as I have obviously been painted black. My question is for the future. I miss being able to talk to her but at the moment I'm not completely sure what kind of a relationship I want with her. Do I wait indefinitely to see if she ever reaches out to me (strong possibility she won't) or give it awhile before reaching out again? The last attempt through text was ignored and unanswered (first time she's done that).

I have seen her in public and she has started hanging out with a girl from work (kind of interesting, she is 34, divorced twice, and has two kids, and this girl is 19, single, no kids). I think it's great that she has found a friend because she also struggles with having close friends. Honestly I think this new friend could be her new source though. Unfortunately I don't see it lasting long. She pushes close friendships away too.

Along with being painted black she has a new source so I'm sure reaching out at this time would push her further away (her words a few weeks ago), but should I eventually?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Dungahass]

Hey Carguy,

Since she ignored your last text, I would recommend that you do not try again for now. You said you don't know what kind of relationship you want with her. I think this is something you can spend some time trying to figure out first. By the time you figure that out, she may have reached out to you, or you can then re-asses if you want to reach out to her yourself. That doesn't have to be today. I know you miss her. I miss my ex tremendously as well. Its a pain I just accept to live with, and I try to do my best not to do anything further damaging to her, to me, and to the potential relationship.

I would like some advice though. As I have posted previously, She has told me to just stay away from her. After she told me this she asked for favours and gave me mixed signals and then reaffirmed that she wanted me to leave her alone when I would try to be friendly and talk with her.

In our past she has never came right out and told me to just stay away.

Aaah, yes, the gut punch of being told to stay away for the first time ever. I know what that's like. Last year, after my ex and I broke up, I was trying to get back together with her, and for the first times, I heard those same words from her: "I don't want to pursue a relationship with you. Leave me alone, go live your life, date other people", etc. And of course, even as she said that, she would also continue sending me mixed signals (in one convo she simulatenously told me in the harshest way that she doesn't want a relationship with me, and then topped that with an "I love you, talk to you tomorrow"). And she also started chasing me again a few months later, when I did start to walk away. So while I do recognize how hurtful and worrisome it must be for you to hear those things from her for the first time, I wouldn't put too much stock in the specific words she uses as predictors of the future. Instead, I would just give her what she asked for (space), and more importantly give yourself that too so that you can figure out what you want with her.

[Carguy]

I have to admit it is extremely hard. I do miss her tremendously! She works at Wal-Mart and we live in a rural area with two grocery stores, Walmart being one of them. I have shopped there for years just like a lot of people. Tonight I had to run in there to get some things and I know she was working. A huge part of me wanted to go over by the Department she works in but I also believe it will just make things worse. She told me several weeks ago when I stopped by to say hi to her that it was upsetting her and just pushing her further away from me. Luckily I ran into my ex-wife who is also one of my best friends. We chatted for a few minutes as we walked up to the check out so it helped to distract those yearnings!

As far as her telling me to just stay away, That was a surprise. In the past however, she has said other things for the first time that surprised and really hurt me. A few years ago when I text her and she was angry at me, she told me not to text her unless it concerned her vehicles that were on my property, or her kids, or other important things like that. Last July she pushed me away after being together again and then decided she wanted to date another guy. That hurt me a lot but I told her okay and good luck. I talked to her a week later and she told me she did not think we could be friends because it brought up feelings in her for me that she shouldn't have while she's seeing someone else. That hurts a lot, too.

I didn't talk to her for 6 weeks after that but I initiated contact after 6 weeks and found out that the Relationship with the other man didn't even get off the ground. He just wasn't that interested and lived two and a half hours away.

 A few years ago when we were together. She got angry at me and unfriended me on Facebook. Another painful first. Several months later one night when we were having a fwe drinks she asked me why we were not friends on Facebook and send me a friend request.  I accepted and a couple of months later she got angry and told me we probably couldn't be friends on Facebook. I deleted her as a friend this time.

A year-and-a-half ago when she was angry at me and we were apart again I sent her something through Facebook messenger that I thought she would like. She responded by telling me that she told me not to message her. I told her I did not recall her saying that but I would not message her. After that we came back together and months later she pushed me back away again and was angry at me again.  On my Facebook. I seen she likes something of mine so I sent her something through Messenger that was kind of cool. Apparently the like I seen had been from the previous year. She responded by blocking me. Even though. We have came back together a few times since then. She has never unblocked me. More first time hurt there. She hasn't blocked my text messages to this date yet however. My ex-wife pointed out that she probably won't because she still doesn't want to cut all forms of communication So she can keep an attachment to me. That's a possibility.

The mixed messages. She is angry because I went out with someone else for Thanksgiving. She told me she thinks I went to that restaurant because I thought she would be somewhere else. Basically it came off as She felt I was cheating behind her back even though she told me we are just friends and to go live my life and that she wanted limited contact.  It did not work out with that other girl and a few times. I attempted to talk to my ex Bpd.

At the end of November she gave my son a birthday present that she had bought a month earlier but didn't arrive on time. I thought it was thoughtful so my son and I got her and her kids some presents for Christmas.  She was grateful and when I delivered them she was even a little playful. Right before New Year's I Ran into her at Walmart when she was on break with her friend. She was playful then and we chatted for a bit and I asked her if she wanted to hang out on New Years.  She said she would think about it. During that Conversation a few times. I told her I better get going and she would ask something else or say something else and to me it seemed like she was trying to keep me there in the conversation like she really want to talk and see me.

 Later I text her and 3 hours later she responded and told me she was still really hurt and she was not coming over New Year's Eve and told me to just stay away. I told her okay, and I was sorry and did not text after that.

5 days later She text me and told me if it was a problem for her to keep her vehicles on my property to let her know and if I changed my mind on trading the car she bought out of my family's estate for this to let her know and then she had to pick up her dirt bike. I told her it was fine, and I wouldn't go back on my word.  She said she wasn't sure If things had changed because of the communication between us now. I also offered to deliver her bike since it's on my way to work. She was grateful for this. I also told her I would put the bike together since I was helping her take it apart.  She was grateful for that too.

 I did not text anymore. A few days later on a Sunday she messaged me and said she was having a hard time finding a babysitter so she could go to work and asked if I could watch her kids. I told her I would. At this point I'm becoming a little hopeful that things are getting better between us. Days later I stopped by to say hi to her at Walmart and she turns cold again and tells me I'm crossing her boundaries and not respecting her request for me to stay away.  She also said things are different between us now. Confused at this point!

 Like I said, this is probably the worst it has been between us and she is extremely hurt and angry that I went out with someone else. In the past she has rarely reached out to me and I've always been the one to initiate contact so I'm not holding my breath that she will reach out to me this time either. Especially with as upset as she is at this point. It's worse than ever I believe.

 I deeply missed being able to talk to her and share my world with her. I really don't know what else to do at this point other than try to remain NC until she's ready I guess If that day ever comes.