In law with BPD

[Hope7]

Hi all. I have a mother in law who I think has BPD,  although was never diagnosed or treated by professional. My husband and I have been together for 7 years, although I have noticed a shift in her behavior towards me. I am now on receiving end of anger/behavioral outbursts, whereas before she would only direct anger towards her children.

Some questions for the group below. I appreciate all your input.

How do you remain empathetic? Frequently, her expressed feelings seem illogical and unfair. It is difficult to differentiate the truth from an imaginary scenario. When questioned later, she will deny saying certain things and change her story. It feels deceptive. She often misinterprets scenarios, which leads to anger/outbursts.

How do you set boundaries, but also show love? I find myself limiting contact more and more. No disappointment or emotional high/lows if we keep a safe distance to begin with right? This makes me sad, because I want my husband to have the best relationship he can with her. He copes by walking away and limiting contact when she is having emotional outbursts, but is able to forgive and forget quickly. I find that really challenging. I feel like she needs to be accountable for her behavior, but is that unfair of me to think?

It doesn't feel like walking on egg shells as much as it feels like walking on land mines. It's so unpredictable what will trigger a negative reaction. This also makes me want to avoid contact/conversation. I start to question whether I am limit setting, holding grudges, isolating, or all three. I don't know anymore!

Are there magic words you use in heated conversations?

Do you feel there is any point in revisiting something that the person said during a heated moment that you feel was unfair. I find this challenging, as I am often one to just cave and apologize to avoid conflict. This causes me to later have regrets and resentment.

[Methuen]

Hi Hope7

Welcome!

You asked a lot of good questions and got to the nuts and bolts of how to move forward with her.

My husband and I have been together for 7 years, although I have noticed a shift in her behavior towards me.

Would you say that over this 7 years MIL has grown closer or more familiar with you?  I ask because my experience is that BPD's generally only rage at those they are closest to because that is who they feel safe with.

It is difficult to differentiate the truth from an imaginary scenario.

BPD is a disorder of emotional dysregulation.  To her, "feeling = facts".  
Avoid the temptation to JADE.  It will end in disaster because it escalates the situation.  Instead, use SET to validate her feelings. This is super important to de-escalate the emotional dysregulation.  SET does not mean validating something that isn't true.  It just means validating her feelings.  There's a difference.

JADE: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.20
SET:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0;all

When questioned later, she will deny saying certain things and change her story.

This is typical.  They all seem to do it.  I have found it pointless to go backward.  I have found it better to just move forward.

She often misinterprets scenarios

Probably an emotional trigger because of the BPD.  Use SET when this happens.

How do you set boundaries, but also show love?

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

It doesn't feel like walking on egg shells as much as it feels like walking on land mines.

Can you give a specific example of this?  Also, if you begin to feel emotionally unsafe around her, less contact may be necessary.  It is super important to look after your own well-being, in order to navigate her BPD effectively, or things can get worse.  I needed NC with my mom for a little while, to look after myself.

Are there magic words you use in heated conversations?

SET.  If you are "feeling" it, assure her you love her, but don't say it unless you are feeling it in that moment, because she will know the difference.  BPD's are very in-tune to other's emotions, and "pretending" will not be productive.

Do you feel there is any point in revisiting something that the person said during a heated moment that you feel was unfair.

No.  This will backfire and likely result in more conflict.  It doesn't feel fair, but as the "non's" in the relationship, we have to be the adult.  At least that's my experience.

I find this challenging, as I am often one to just cave and apologize to avoid conflict

Don't apologize when you shouldn't be.  That is just rewarding the BPD behavior, and it can get worse.  Try using other tools (SET, boundaries, validating questions.)

Can you give us a specific example of a problem incident?

 

[pursuingJoy]

Hope7, welcome to the board!   We're glad you're here.

I could have written all of this, Hope7. We've been together 7 years too, married for 6. At the beginning, my MIL used to tell me, "You're the only DIL I've ever liked." Overt warmth for the first year or so, characterized by zero boundaries. She talked to her son about sex, walked in on me peeing to talk to me in the doorway, shared really personal and inappropriate info about H with my mom the first time they met (info that could have destroyed H's relationship with my mom). Cooling by the second year, tension in the third characterized by some pretty tough, manipulative digs at me. Something always felt "off." H said his mom was quirky so I tried to be patient, not reactive.

I guess I didn't play the role she thought I should, so she began to split and now I'm fully painted black. Before understanding BPD, I couldn't understand why she was all or nothing. Nothing I did for her made her happy.

How do you remain empathetic? Frequently, her expressed feelings seem illogical and unfair. It is difficult to differentiate the truth from an imaginary scenario. When questioned later, she will deny saying certain things and change her story. It feels deceptive. She often misinterprets scenarios, which leads to anger/outbursts.

I so get it.   Learning about BPD really helped me understand the terror she lives in every day. It is a scary, scary world for her.

It also helped me clarify the usefulness of healthy boundaries. I cannot remain genuinely empathetic and sacrifice all of my needs - that creates resentment. What are your limits? What do you value, and how will you protect that?

Radical acceptance has helped me really accept that yes, her feelings are illogical and unfair but they are real to her. I am working on letting her feel whatever she's feeling without becoming defensive.

Low contact has helped me a lot too.    I need the space to stay centered for now, and that is ok.

I feel like she needs to be accountable for her behavior, but is that unfair of me to think?

It's not unfair, it just is. I feel that way too. It's a normal reaction.

The people around my MIL (H and her friends and family) will probably not hold her accountable. They've been conditioned to work around her behavior. I can only control my own relating to her.  I spend time figuring out how to change my responses to her, like:

I've shifted the way I visit to ensure that there's an arrival and departure time and activities in between. This leaves minimal space for open convo.

I am prepared to respond in a number of healthy ways the next time MIL brings up H's ex and how much she loves her (ironically someone she hated when they were married).

H and I are in marriage counseling trying to get on the same page with some of this.

Do you feel there is any point in revisiting something that the person said during a heated moment that you feel was unfair.  

If the moment has passed, usually no. MIL's beliefs about any conversation almost immediately shift to cover her own shame and meet her emotional/psychological needs. I've had some success responding in the moment (which incidentally is hard for me too because I don't think well on my feet). She once accused me of "never wanting her to live with us." In the moment, I was able to use SET (support, empathy, and TRUTH).  

I'd been through difficult crises before and a great deal of therapy. When I met and married H I felt grounded and healthy. About 6 years in with my MIL I felt crazy, and that's what brought me here. I totally understand the impact this can have. We all do.

Examples help us sort things out, so I'd love to hear a few if you want to share.

Most importantly, know that you're not alone!  
pj

[Spindle0516]

Hi Hope7! 

I feel as though I could have written your post myself. In fact, when I first found this site, I think my first post said almost exactly the same thing. 

I have an uBPD MIL as well. I have been with my husband for 5 years, married for less than 1. Over time, her behavior shifted as well, with a notable escalation in inappropriate behavior as time went on.

Overt warmth for the first year or so, characterized by zero boundaries. She talked to her son about sex, walked in on me peeing to talk to me in the doorway, shared really personal and inappropriate info about H with my mom the first time they met (info that could have destroyed H's relationship with my mom). Cooling by the second year, tension in the third characterized by some pretty tough, manipulative digs at me.

This almost echoes exactly what my arc with my MIL as well. She talks way too openly about sex- she even once told what she thought her son's sex life was like with his ex-gf. She included way too much detail to share here- I almost fell over! She constantly walks in on me using the bathroom, and will call me or my H in to talk to her while she is using the bathroom. She finds it odd that I don't want her in the room when I am changing and does not understand why it is inappropriate to see her son in his underwear. Her logic is that she saw him naked when he was a baby. 

How do you remain empathetic?

For me, I have come to realize that there is a difference between remaining empathetic and allowing her to abuse and mistreat us. I understand that her life was really hard, but too much empathy has allowed me to remain stagnant for too long. And the more time that passed, I found myself just really becoming angry and bitter and resentful of her.

A lot of the tools that PJ and Methuen describe have been life saving for me and my husband. SET has been huge in helping us navigate a recent conflict/issue we have been having with her. And learning how to affirm how she feels, not actually what happened,  in certain situations has minimized a lot of circular conversations.

I don't have a lot of time- I will revisit, but I want to echo what PJ and Methuen have already said. You are not alone! 

[beachlover57]

I can empathize with so much of your post. My MIL also has BPD. My husband and I have been together for 11 years, married for 7. And I'll apologize in advance if my responses to my MIL seem cold, but I reached a point shortly after we had our first child in which I realized that she was never going to change or stop some behaviors, and I needed to take care of my own family.

(Speaking of inappropriate behaviors, my MIL has described my FIL's private parts to me, walked into the room uninvited while I was in labor and called my child's school for "help to decide which extracurricular activities he was going to sign up for.")

I consider myself a strong empathizer, but I've stopped trying to empathize with my MIL and just focused on boundaries. It is really the only thing that keeps me sane sometimes.

My MIL hates all of my boundaries and will do anything to get past them. In the beginning, she just tried being as sweet as possible and agreeing with everything I said to get me to change. When that didn't work, she became nasty and aggressive. At one point, she even enrolled her friends to "her side," and cc-ed them on emails as well as having them write me letters about how "lucky" I was to have such a "wonderful MIL."

I just stuck to the boundaries (and I re-reread "Stop Walking on Eggshells" at least twice a year). Those boundaries are the only things that make it possible for me not to pull my hair out.

I feel for you, and I admire your kind spirit. I hope your situation improves.