Visiting the attorney tomorrow

[Woolspinner2000]

Tomorrow I have an appointment to see my attorney about filing for the dissolution. DH and I have been working out the details and surprisingly, we have been getting along and agreeing on how to divide things. That's a good thing. I need to ask some questions and get some answers in order to move forward properly and safely. My friend said that I'm as much divorcing the business partner (now felon) as much as I am DH. She was right. One wise reason to move forward is to get space between DH's business choices and myself and his friend.

I worked hard at our home the last 3 days with moving things out, pulling nails, patching the holes and putting on touch up paint. The upstairs is completely emptied of our things as February is fast approaching when we hope to have the house on the market.

Sometimes I allow myself to dream a bit now, hopeful for a better future. I think and hope the end is in sight.

Wools

[SinisterComplex]

So short, sweet, and straight to the point...I send all my best to you. Good luck and your future will be brighter...Want Better, Expect Better, Do Better!

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

[Harri]

How did it go Wools?

[Woolspinner2000]

The visit went really well, although I was pretty anxious beforehand.  I like this attorney; he's kind and will represent me well. I can tell that he has teeth when he needs to use them. I was told by the person that referred me that he's one of the best in our city. I can tell he's a good man.

I was organized with my list of questions and a summary of what we have decided for the separation agreement. That helped to get right to the point, and he already sent me a copy of the rough draft for us to review. He answered all my questions and that set my mind much at ease. I delivered the rough draft to DH yesterday when I went to our house to pack up more things. Today I plan to get a storage unit rented and move out all the big furniture that I can. Nearly all the small things of mine are already moved up to store at my grandpa's unoccupied house. I'm getting so tired of moving. DH still has a long ways to go in the next 2 to 3 weeks.

I gave the attorney a copy of our local newspaper's article on the court's decision of 2 felony convictions for DH's business connection/friend. He read it carefully and said, "I suppose this was a wake up call for your husband?" I responded, "No, it wasn't. DH was defending his friend because of the unjustness of the court with all the 18 counts they had against him." He was only convicted of two. The attorney shook his head in amazement and said, "That tells me who your husband is." I told him what a friend had shared with me recently, that I am as much divorcing myself from my husband's business connection as I am my husband. He totally agreed. It's a necessary legal protection for me.

I felt validated and encouraged as I left the appointment. A couple days later however, I began to fear "what if DH doesn't go through with it? What if he starts to fight this?" His track record is to be very passive and then suddenly get aggressive right before something is at the deadline to be decided. It's a scary thought because I do want to be free from the trap I feel he put me in financially and potentially legally with this guy on top of all the other issues between us. I guess I need to let the attorney take care of that part.

It's such a strange thought to consider being free of the marriage ties that have bound us for so long. I know that we will never be completely disconnected because we have 3 children together and grandchildren too. Nonetheless, I am willing to figure out what our relationship looks like on the other side. It seems rather like holding one's breath until you get past the danger. I hope I will be able to exhale and learn to breathe again. Everyone says it will get better.

Wools

[Rev]

Sometimes I allow myself to dream a bit now, hopeful for a better future. I think and hope the end is in sight.

Wools

Lovely thought - "You lead me beside the still waters" Ps 23

No need for anything now except to live into the life that is unfolding before you. 

Happy for you.

Rev

[zachira]

You seem very self assured and mostly comfortable with going forward with the divorce. Naturally you are worried about how your husband may respond at some point as he can be unpredictable and mean at times. I admire how you have become happier and more self assured in the past few months. You are making good decisions, and I think your husband might be somewhat in awe of how you are responding and not feel so comfortable contesting many aspects of the divorce, at least let's hope so.

[Woolspinner2000]

Thank you Rev and zachira for your kind responses. I really do hope for the best, and I also hope for DH to be well, in spite of all the pain. I have been at our house 3 afternoons this week (and last), and each day is a bit different. Yesterday DH was so antsy and seemed as if he could barely stand to be there around me. That may be because my schedule changed and I wasn't able to get the storage unit yesterday. It threw him off somehow. Today, however, he was much more stable, even a bit kind in that he helped me get the large furniture moved without any negatives about it. In return, I helped him pack up some boxes and organize a bit. I could tell he is overwhelmed (we both are), but he did let me help him.

There was this moment when I mentally realized that I was enjoying helping, and it brought me up quite quickly. "Wait...what are you doing, Wools? Are you enabling him by helping? Are you getting your need for validation met by helping?" Those were reasons before T that were so deeply ingrained in me, to help because it fed my need to be loved and validated, rather co-dependent like in the reasons behind it all. But I quickly reminded myself that helping is also one of my gifts that I like to share with others in good ways, so I need not shame myself for exercising a natural strength I have. The difference is in the heart attitude. If my motivation is to help in order to earn the recognition and praise of others, then I become entangled in the unhealthy aspects for myself and those I'm helping. If, however, I help out of my own choice to bless, freely given, no strings attached, no disappointments  for not being noticed, then it is a healthy choice and not an obligation. (I hate that word obligation btw. I've been tied up in that for way too long!)

Often it is difficult to get in my car and go back to my apartment because I feel so sad for what we lost. Then other times it is much easier. Tonight was harder because he wasn't being mean at all. Ah, the teeter totter. I think that one thing I need to investigate is what kindness is to me. I've told my T before that anyone being kind to me tends to melt my healthy boundaries because I crave someone being kind since I rarely had it growing up. It can also be a serious trap for me because I think that the smallest act of kindness is far more than I deserve, and that makes me vulnerable of being taken advantage of. It's the voices learned from childhood with a BPDm. Still working on the healing. 

Wools

[SinisterComplex]

Wools...I will say that I appreciate your ability to be candid and vulnerable. Don't go changing. You are a treasure for sure. Hey every last one of us are a work in progress through time and space. Absolution and perfection are mere myths...just be the best YOU that YOU can be. Kindness is always a strength and never a weakness. I am happy that you are YOU. I mean that in all sincerity because it takes fortitude, courage, and confidence to share the introspection that you do.

Anyone who dare take advantage of you is just earning themselves a date with a lemony snicket's style future...a series of unfortunate events. ;-)

Cheers and best wishes to you!

-SC-

[zachira]

Who we really are underneath is how we behave in the worst of times towards the people who have hurt us the most. Your being kind to your husband even though he has treated you badly is who you are. You now have healthy boundaries with him most of the time, so you can let go of the anger most of the time and get in touch with your sadness. In your heart, you feel sad about what you have both lost.