Grieving my mom, with sibling trauma

[podsnapG]

Hello, friends. Very sad time- my mom passed away a few days ago. She was 91 and wanted to go. I was with her when she passed. I was her main caregiver for the last four years. We were buddies- she was a great mom. She never used guilt or pressure and always supported me. Yes- I know how very lucky I was.

On top of the grief, my uBPD SIL and flying monkey brother are laying on the guilt. I had been very low contact. The pressure  and disappointment I felt from them was too much for me (I would have panic attacks) I just avoided them and concentrated on caring for my mom. In her last months, my mom also become irritated with my SIL, and my brother soon took it out on my mom by not visiting her as much. One day my mom decided to cut up greeting cards we had sent over the years... she was recycling the pictures and making collages. In my view- 91 years old she can do whatever the heck she wants. My SIL saw her doing this and got very upset and hurt. My mom told her she was too sensitive. You can figure out how that went over. My SIL is convinced my mom didn’t love her, and is feeling very hurt.

My husband and I are going to visit my mom’s sister and my cousins in another state next week- partly to get out of town, and to console my aunt and myself. My nephew who was very close to my mom will also join us. Now my brother is hurt that we didn’t invite him. He never would have come anyway. For one thing, my SIL is tied to her local business and would never permit him to travel alone (they have only ever been a part one night in 30 years of marriage) I am taking this trip for myself and my aunt.

I have a brother with substance abuse issues who lives in the same state as my aunt. He wrote me a threatening letter last spring. I doubt he is in any condition to carry it out, but it still was unnerving. I asked my flying monkey bro not to mention that I’d be traveling there. I didn’t think he would mention it, but for peace of mind, asked anyway. He was offended that I would even ask him that. He is offended by everything I say, it seems. He is so suspicious of me now, always thinking the worst about my intentions. A few weeks ago I tried to talk to him on the phone- it wasn’t going well so I just told him sincerely that mom loves him very, very much. He was offended by that “ Why would you even feel you need to say that? I know she loves me! What is in your head?”

We are trying to plan my mom’s final arrangements. I understand that everyone has their own beliefs about this. My mom did not want a funeral or memorial, she wanted a party. That was who she was- didn’t want anyone to be sad. My brother and his wife are Catholic and I understand that there are guidelines which must be followed. I realize that they need to do what makes them feel at peace. They may want to place her ashes in a mausoleum... I went to see the building... Glass cases, indoors. My mom would be horrified. I need to put my foot down. A columbarium outside would be better, but it is hard for me to give in and deny my mother’s wishes. My brother is so hurt and angry, I don’t know how this will play out.

To top it all off, I had a phone call with my SIL. About the arrangements... I gave her some information about VA burial instead ( my dad’s ashes have still not been placed, and maybe they could be placed together, outdoors, not in the same niche though- they were divorced:)Then she went on to tell me how hurt my brother is- about not getting invited to come with me to see my aunt, about my asking him not to tell my troubled brother about the trip, and on and on. The last four years have been one perceived hurt after another... left out, left out, left out. After a certain point, we did start avoiding them. A self fulfilling fear. SIL went through the same with her side of the family, and is alienated from her siblings.

I don’t think there is any answer. I felt the need to vent. This is the worst that I feared would happen, and it’s just the beginning. Once my mom’s estate is settled, and we go back to where we came from, it may end. It’s just a world of hurt. I feel awful for my brother, but I can’t help him. I have to be the scapegoat now. So very sad.

[Kwamina]

Hi podsnapG

I am very sorry your beloved mother has passed away. It is clear that the two of you were quite close, buddies even as you describe it. I am glad you were with her these last few months and when she passed away.

Losing a parent is a very significant loss. I am wishing you strength and peace as you plan the final arrangements and mourn this loss

The Board Parrot

[pursuingJoy]

podsnapG, I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. I wish there was more we could do but please know your bpdfamily is here.

The grief and sadness are certainly concentrating some already difficult dynamics. I'm not sure it will completely end with the settling of the estate, but the intensity will fade.

I respect your decision to go see your aunt and not invite your brother or SIL. I also support your desire to honor your mom's wishes in the funeral arrangements. Enjoy your visit with your aunt and nephew next week. I hope you can use that time to celebrate and remember your mom. 

[podsnapG]

Update: I’m starting to get a bad cold, so I’ve postponed the trip to see my aunt. It will be better to get the memorial service over with first, anyway.

My brother has my dad’s ashes (he died several years ago) and is having them installed in a glass niche inside the mausoleum in the cemetery where my uBPD SIL ’s family is interred. He wants  my mom’s ashes there, too. Pretty much said “that’s where I’m putting Dad, you can put Mom somewhere else if you want (knowing I’d cave) “ so, against Mom’s wishes, she will be in a glass box in a mausoleum, next to my dad. Everyone’s wishes are personal, and I don’t mean to offend anyone who has family in a mausoleum, if that’s where the loved one wished to be. I knew my mom- she would absolutely not want to be there. (I know that she is not her ashes, and that she will be in my heart.) I guess I am feeling like the victim today. My mom would probably say in her joking way, about where her ashes are “oh, it don’t matter none.” I realized that for my own physical and mental health, I need to avoid a fight on this.

I will go to the dedicational Mass and reception (at my SIL ‘s gallery) My husband will not, that’s fine. I’ll bring a friend with me, as buffer and support. I’ll bite my tongue. I’ll wear sunglasses, so my eye rolling won’t show. It’ll be a comfort to my brother, even though my mom was not a religious person.

I’m writing my list of grievances, for myself. High on the list is that my brother NEVER drove an hour to take mom out to lunch or spend time with her by himself, when she was living with my H and I. It was always on SIL’s terms, and she had so many other obligations that were apparently more important than my mom. Of course SIL’s memory is full of all the things they did for my mom, which usually consisted of bringing muffins, staying only for an hour or less because they had so many things to take care of. This was maybe two or three times a month. They have a weekend house 20 minutes from us- I can count on one hand over three years how many times they had mom spend the night there. They would come up weekly to mow the lawn there, but we’re sometimes in such a hurry to get back to town that they “couldn’t” stop to see mom. (It ever occurred to them to hire someone to mow the lawn for awhile? $ was not an issue) This was not lost on mom- she was very perceptive. She lost confidence in relying on them for anything. Granted she never took it out on them, she was too kind for that, but was disappointed.

Later we moved her to a group home down near them, when her needs became too great for us here at home. We drove down three times a week to visit, usually for two or three hours at a time. We enjoyed her company and missed living with her. The reason I moved her near them, was so my brother could have some good quality time with her, since we didn’t think she had long to live, and we had more flexibility to drive down there. Really! I was thinking of him . They continued their onslaught of “why don’t you and H want to see us, we feel so hurt and left out” and even tried to get my mom involved. My mom lashed out a bit at SIL toward the end, tired of her poor me routine. After that, my brother visited mom less, out of solidarity/enmeshment with his wife. Then mom died.

So there it is. I’ll go through the motions, with help from my friends and H. Mom will be in a glass box that will be convenient for my Bro and SIL to visit. I will remember her in my heart and will have no regrets. I texted bro that I love him, he had the gall to reply “Love is works not words”. I will probably be NC when this is all over. I realize I have a lot of anger to work through. Thanks for your support and input, friends