My sister is ruining my family’s lives

[Treak21]

Hello everyone,

I’m new to the site and I am aware that there is lots to learn and plenty to explore but after at least 15 years of living and dealing with my sister who I think has BPD sometimes I just don’t have the energy.

Firstly, I’ll give a little summary of my life so far. My father was an alcoholic and eventually passed away in 2006, a few months after this our very close friend, my best friend killed himself. This was around the time that I realised how bad my sisters drug and alcohol issues were. After this my sister lost another close friend, my uncle died of cancer, my mum got breast cancer (but got treated and is fine then I got diagnosed with a rare form of pancreatic cancer... i was also lucky.

But as the years progressed my sister got harder and harder to deal with. She had a child which she didn’t manage to look after well as she was in and out of constant bad relationships and taking alcohol and drugs. My mum looked after my nephew as much as she could and my sister was a functional alcoholic working as a teacher in a primary school. She eventually lost multiple jobs working as a supply teacher as she wouldn’t turn up to work. She was always aggressive towards me and used me as an excuse when things went wrong for her. She is very manipulative and vindictive, for years I would get myself and my daughter out of bed to either help her or pick up my nephew as she was so drunk and the police would be at her house. Eventually I had to stop as the more I did the more she would resent me and make my “perfect life” harder.  She told my daughter that I was a bad mother and told people where I live that I don’t look after or care about my child... at first I didn’t care as anyone who knew me would know it wasn’t true but with time it got draining. She was always in relationships with bad guys and even they couldn’t cope with her change in personality and cheating.

At one point her boyfriend beat her up and raped her. My mum and I couldn’t support her... to us she was the abuser always shouting, screaming, manipulating and controlling then suddenly she was the victim. It was hard to process. After this she became much more abusive. She accused my ex of sexually abusing her son, she hit my mum who is in her 70’s, always shouting and screaming, she didn’t turn up for her sons Christmas 3 times, we were always running around trying to fix each other from her actions. She neglected her son and now my mum has full custody but she gets to see him whenever. Once she took a knife to her son and their dog and said she was going to kill them, she threatened to rape a woman’s son because the woman didn’t like her, she apparently arranged for another guy to get stabbed but I don’t know the details. She blames my mum for everything, telling people that my mum put stones in her dinner, alcohol in her hospital bag and says my mum is responsible for my dads death.

She is very abusive to my daughter, one minute being lovely then the next really pulling her down. My daughter refused to leave my mums house because she was scared of what my sister would do when we weren’t there. There are so many things which I couldn’t even begin to describe and have probably left out major points but I’m just hoping that someone is familiar with this behaviour and can offer some help. My mum is now a shell of herself, she struggles with my sister and at times my nephew as he copies my sisters behaviour sometimes, swearing at my mum and calling her names which I am worried about.

My daughter has recorded things on her phone and we have been to the police without any luck. I’ve told the same to social services and all they did was tell my sister what I’d said which made things worse. My daughter is 18 this year and leaving school, she has got into a very expensive dance school in London but she can’t stand this life anymore so refuses to stay in Scotland. I have an okay job after working very hard to get it but it’s not the best of pay and I can’t afford my daughters course or the rent but I am going to sell my car and get another job working weekends so I can pay for it. I’m just so desperate for her to be free from this I will do anything I can to give her that. I suffer a bit from social anxiety disorder and depression, recently the thought of following my best friend seems reasonable as I can’t stand it anymore but I wouldn’t do that to my daughter. I’m basically desperate for some advice on how to deal with it. I don’t speak to my sister at all now but I can’t escape the pain she is causing my mum and I worry that the only way this will end is by my mum suffering a heart attack or becoming seriously ill.

Has anyone had a similar experience? Any advice would be appreciated and thank you for reading my post.

[pursuingJoy]

Treak21, hi  and welcome to the boards. I'm glad you found us.

after at least 15 years of living and dealing with my sister who I think has BPD sometimes I just don’t have the energy.

I think most of us here can relate to feeling emotionally, even physically drained. Dealing with my BPD MIL has really taken a toll on our marriage so I get how BPD can impact the entire family unit. On top of dealing with BPD, you've had some major life events and those alone create a good deal of stress. I've found amazing support on this that's been critical to healing and centering. I've discovered ways to protect myself and my family and I know you will too. 

I don’t speak to my sister at all now but I can’t escape the pain she is causing my mum and I worry that the only way this will end is by my mum suffering a heart attack or becoming seriously ill.

I'm glad to hear you've put some space between you and your sister. That's a huge step. What does your sister's relationship look like with your mom? I know she's said some pretty awful things about her. What else? Would your mom be open to setting different boundaries with your sister so that she doesn't put her health at risk?

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