Puzzled and feeling trapped

[AbuNassif]

I met this woman online after going through a brutal divorce. She was everything I could ever want. Beautiful, artsy, independent, great lover, ready to take on my life’s challenges, and help me love my kids (shared custody) ... even join my little business and learn my trade. We’re married now, three years, together for 5+, she has turned the living room into her little apartment and sleeps there with her cats. I am emotionally drained, feeling like I may be going crazy, and have been on antidepressants as a result. I’m as good as single. I’ve put all the little and big red flags together, and there have been so many, I am such a fool,  and I think I’m living with a BPD.

Big problem we work together, we have to.
It’s my business, but I feel like she’s taken her share of the work hostage. I can’t comment or suggest anything without it turning into a defensive gambit, where I avoid her tantrum, fear she’ll go on strike, or god knows what, and she then tells me I’m controlling or dismissive of her talents, and gets to operate with my supervision. I am constantly picking up after her with little things she leaves undone. Like not filing our taxes.

It’s because I’m so negative, always a angry, she says.
I’ve been in therapy for a year. Doc says I’m a perfectly reasonable man in a toxic environment.

She went to therapy for less than 24 sessions (for what we thought was PTSD) and then decided she had “taken care of all her PLEASE READ” and was done. She quit therapy without telling me, and started ballet classes. Out of the blue. Now she’s taking flying lessons. Sort of. She took one. It was a secret she did for herself, told me about afterwards, expected me to be thrilled for her. I never knew she was interested in flying. Ever. It never came up. When I expressed doubts and surprise about it then asked about how much it cost to get licensed etc. that was it ... I was the worst person on the planet.

She insists she can’t share her dreams and plans with me because I’m so negative, and she must maintain a secrecy for her own well being.

Am I in a twilight zone episode?

What the hell do I do now?

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[Ozzie101]

Hi AbuNassif and welcome!

While I'm very sorry for your situation, you have found a good place. We understand what you're going through. Elements of your story are familiar to me and, I'm sure, to most of the others who will read this thread. We have a lot of tools and experience to share and a lot of virtual ears to listen when you need to just unload. This is a safe space.

As you've discovered, people with BPD (often shortened here to pwBPD) tend to be hyper-sensitive to criticism. There's often an extremely strong sense of shame attached to the disorder so even the mildest statement can be seen as criticism and even the tiniest criticism can feel like a slap on the face. I suspect that's what happened here.

One thing I've learned is that my own communication style and approach was playing a large role in my husband's BPD behaviors. Not to say it was my fault -- just like what's going on now isn't yours. But there are things we do without realizing it that can make our situations worse. A relationship with a pwBPD is, in many ways, not like a typical relationship. The good news is that that can be changed and even if we can't always make our relationships better, we can at least stop making them worse. Make sense?

I hope you don't mind if I ask a couple of questions to start off. Have you read much about BPD and how the BPD mind tends to work? How old are your kids? How is her relationship with them?

One thing that's really helpful when starting out is to describe a recent episode and give the full he said/she said. That helps us get a feel for the dynamic so we can help trouble-shoot. Does that sound like something you'd be comfortable doing?

Keep posting! We're here to help.

[GoldenBubble]

I met this woman online after going through a brutal divorce. She was everything I could ever want. Beautiful, artsy, independent, great lover, ready to take on my life’s challenges, and help me love my kids (shared custody) ... even join my little business and learn my trade. We’re married now, three years, together for 5+, she has turned the living room into her little apartment and sleeps there with her cats. I am emotionally drained, feeling like I may be going crazy, and have been on antidepressants as a result. I’m as good as single. I’ve put all the little and big red flags together, and there have been so many, I am such a fool,  and I think I’m living with a BPD.

Big problem we work together, we have to.
It’s my business, but I feel like she’s taken her share of the work hostage. I can’t comment or suggest anything without it turning into a defensive gambit, where I avoid her tantrum, fear she’ll go on strike, or god knows what, and she then tells me I’m controlling or dismissive of her talents, and gets to operate with my supervision. I am constantly picking up after her with little things she leaves undone. Like not filing our taxes.

It’s because I’m so negative, always a angry, she says.
I’ve been in therapy for a year. Doc says I’m a perfectly reasonable man in a toxic environment.

She went to therapy for less than 24 sessions (for what we thought was PTSD) and then decided she had “taken care of all her PLEASE READ” and was done. She quit therapy without telling me, and started ballet classes. Out of the blue. Now she’s taking flying lessons. Sort of. She took one. It was a secret she did for herself, told me about afterwards, expected me to be thrilled for her. I never knew she was interested in flying. Ever. It never came up. When I expressed doubts and surprise about it then asked about how much it cost to get licensed etc. that was it ... I was the worst person on the planet.

She insists she can’t share her dreams and plans with me because I’m so negative, and she must maintain a secrecy for her own well being.

Am I in a twilight zone episode?

What the hell do I do now?

Hi,

I can relate to this soo much.  I've been married to my borderline husband for 2 years and it's been so rocky.  With him always blaming outside forces (his kids, his dad, his lack of income, anyone, me, my kids) for his meltdowns.  What I most relate to is their need to keep some part of their life secret while behaving as if they are an open book.  The open book part is the constant sharing of their feelings.  It gives a false impression of transparency but I frequently felt that my H was hiding something from me, primarily money and his spending on hobbies. 

I hope you keep posting.  I'm in crisis right now myself with H having left and draining the bank accounts, living in a hotel and drinking because I didn't want him to chase me and block me from going into the bathroom. 

[AbuNassif]

Thank you both for answering.

A few examples of weird interactions:
Two of my best friends are a couple, the husband is a good 18 years older the wife. Bill and Suzy. I'm 52, younger than Bill and older than Suzy. One day it came up in conversation with my wife a how Suzy will likely be alone while still in her prime... we were just chatting while working. I said we could rent the downstairs apartment to Suzy and she can come work with us. I've known Bill and Suzy for 25 years. My wife who was in a fine mood as were chatting all of a sudden turned beat red and froze and then said to me in a not so friendly way "why? so you can have two wives?" For a moment I thought it was a joke, then I noticed it was anything but. I had some work to do to calm her down and convince her that I meant it was to offer a kindness to someone I've been friends with for my whole adult life ...

Another was at the public pool in our little town. I was swimming without my glasses (as usual), meaning I couldn't see more than about 10 feet out. Both our kids were there, we were having a great time. My wife was wearing a new bathing suit and she looked beautiful and I told her so. Then she became agitated and sullen and declared that we should stay and have fun, she needed to go home. She left. Later that weekend I was given hell for being such a pervert, as she watched me swimming toward the lifeguard chair, staring the whole time at the "hot blonde" lifeguard "who was no more than 16 years old!" I wish I knew about the little hottie, I would have put my glasses on. But really?

Another was more recent. Sometime we both work from home. It's more rare for me but not unusual. I mostly do the production work in the shop. But I had computer work to do. All morning she was super agitated, rude, grouchy at me. When I finally asked her what the problem was she said it was because I was home when she was planning for me to be at the shop. Like I really got yelled at. And the help I gave her when she asked for files she needed (I handed her a thumb drive), that was really intrusive because I introduced troubleshooting to what would otherwise have been routine. She was really out of sorts because I was home.

This one is more complicated and the cats are just an example. I hate cats (I'm allergic and I can't stand how they go everywhere an on everything and destroy things and my wife is not one to care about dirt or furniture) there's two of them that have been with her long before we met. I keep clear of them, and they keep clear of me. It's easy enough. But it's why my wife no longer sleeps with me as of three months ago. She wants to sleep with her cats, and it's been a dreadful cruelty that I've insisted the cats stay out of the bedroom. Well that's a something I found out I needed when we first moved in together two years before we got married, and I insisted on it, and she protested a little, but was ok with it. I had a bit of PLEASE READ fit the first night the cats were in my apartment because they kept me up all night, and since then she's convinced I'm an angry man. She had two whole years to decide it was cruel of me or that I was an angry person. All of a sudden I'm a horrible man (who's given her a career and a home and financial future) who is keeping her from her cats. When I asked her about that, she told me that before she started to discover herself over the last year she had this way of becoming whatever other people wanted and to put her true self away, even if it was painful. That really baffled me.

Are these enough examples of the strange situations that come up that I don't know what do with? BPD?

Since I've been reading all your stories and checking out what's on the web, I've been a lot calmer about all this. Information is power. So it's been calm at home. But I don't know what to do with all this strangeness.

[Ozzie101]

Those examples could be BPD. We can't diagnose her, but the stories you relate are not unusual around here. People with BPD do often react with extreme jealousy and accuse loved ones of having affairs -- very common theme.

When I asked her about that, she told me that before she started to discover herself over the last year she had this way of becoming whatever other people wanted and to put her true self away, even if it was painful.

This is actually a hallmark of BPD: a poor sense of self and adapting oneself to fit the people around them. It can be baffling to us Nons but, yes, it's common in these situations.

One thing I've learned is that my reactions and my way of communicating with my husband were playing a big role in the deterioration of our relationship. That's not to say it was all my fault -- just like your problems with your wife are not your fault. But a BPD relationship is not a normal relationship and sometimes you have to learn a new language, in a way.

For instance, I was doing a LOT of JADE-ing (Justify Argue Defend Explain). That was my normal way of dealing with conflict. Well, it's one of the worst things you can do when faced with a dysregulating pwBPD. I also realized a lot of the things I was saying and doing were unintentionally invalidating.

Have you read much about validation and communication techniques like SET (Support Empathy Truth)? I'll post a few links. There's a lot of info there but when you have time I hope you'll take a look and see what you think:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

I know this is all very stressful and confusing. But keep reading and posting! We're here to help you sort it all out.

[AbuNassif]

Thank you - the links you provided were helpful - I can see where I went wrong.

How can I delete this post?

[Harri]

Hi Abu-Nassif.  I am glad the links were helpful.

Unfortunately we do not delete posts or threads as it interrupts the flow of the thread and the boards.

[AbuNassif]

This is a helpful forum, but god help me if it’s ever discovered ... I wish there was a way to delete threads. I think I’ve said too much too specifically.

[Harri]

Hi.

As long as you are not using a familiar screen name and clear cache you are fine.  We have over 100,000 members and more than two million posts with lots of overlap in stories and details.

Be careful to always log out when you leave your computer.  The only time someone has been found has been due to one of the above not being done.

[JoeBPD81]

. When I asked her about that, she told me that before she started to discover herself over the last year she had this way of becoming whatever other people wanted and to put her true self away, even if it was painful. That really baffled me.
 

I got exactly that. The woman I met , that she says doesn't exist anymore, was she trying to be something she's not, trying to put on a costume of the woman I would love. And she despises herself for doing that "for a guy".