Unrealistic expectations

[Joelina]

Hi!

I am currently living with a incredible man who suffers from borderline personality disorder.  He is brilliant, charismatic, handsome and madly in love with me; and I with him.  He has a passion for life like I have never experienced in another human.  I feel more alive in his company than I knew was possible.  However, it feels like there are two of him, the one who loves and appreciates me and knows I am loving and helpful and patient, and then there is another, who without provocation complains that I am lazy, holding him back from his dreams and dismissive, even neglectful.  There is the man who would do anything for me, and makes me feel like the most beautiful amazing woman in the world, and the one who rages for little to no known reason, projecting his own behaviour onto me and can be cruel and even violent. It is like a rollercoaster ride that alternately blissful and terrifying.  He has asked me to marry him and I want to say yes, but I have some questions I am hoping can be answered here by all of you.  Let me tell you a little about us.

We have been together for just over a year now, cohabiting consistently for about three months now. I have done lots of reading and understand the symptoms.  I have hardly entered the relationship ignorantly.  I also have many years experience working with marginalized populations who often have personality disorders and mental health issues, through a previous profession.   

I understand the pain he had endured as his brain and body grew and  matured effected his ability to process his surroundings and interpret the actions and motives of other people.  I know that all of these  behaviors are actually a way of protecting himself from reliving this pain now. I can see how it would be reasonable to develop these defense mechanisms in a hostile environment.  I
don't judge him for this and have taken alot of care to be loving and patient and kind.  I believe that love is not a feeling it is an action.  It has been my experience that wounded people only start to trust you honestly care  when you are loving with them during the times they dont deserve it.  These are core beliefs I have had all my life.  Interacting with people when your life experiences have shown you that people cant be trusted, and that no one will care for  from a very young age would be a terrifying endeavour.  It is rational, even prudent, to approach every interaction cautiously and keep watch for signs of potential abandonment and betrayal in order to avoid it again. 

I cant say that I myself wouldn't respond the same way i had those same exsperiencs.  Honestly after a lifetime of disapointing and painful interpersonal relationships it actually seems irrational to not be onguard and rational to sabotage relationships where feelings start to manifest.  I myself have several defense mechanisms developed from traumatic childhood experiences that I am constantly working on. 

Yet after all the strides we have made, again today the rollercoaster is headed for another terrifying plummet! There have been no events or happenings to  bring it on.  It is simply the result of putting a microscope to minute details that make discoverd and considered completely unacceptable and unbearable! I know it will pass and I just cant feed into it etc... But it is tiring and I have needs too that I feel get tossed to the wind and go unattended each time this happens.. 

So my question is...

Is it possible to have a BPD partner actually trust you and stop sabotaging the relationship? Do they ever heal enough that you as the person closest to them stop being the target of their insecurities and fears? Does anyone have a happily ever after to tell me? All of my reading online has said no...  that certainly is a scary thought to have the rollercoaster never ever stop.  I have spent this year believing that healing would happen and perhaps it may never completely stop, but it would slow down or perhaps defuse faster over time. Do I have unrealistic expectations?


Joelina

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[Rev]

Is it possible to have a BPD partner actually trust you and stop sabotaging the relationship? Do they ever heal enough that you as the person closest to them stop being the target of their insecurities and fears? Does anyone have a happily ever after to tell me? All of my reading online has said no...  that certainly is a scary thought to have the rollercoaster never ever stop.  I have spent this year believing that healing would happen and perhaps it may never completely stop, but it would slow down or perhaps defuse faster over time. Do I have unrealistic expectations?


Joelina

Hi Joelina…. and welcome.

As you will ascertain here, everyone wants what is best for you.  You paint a very positive minded attitude and truly it depends on how honest you are being with yourself about what you want in a relationship, and perhaps more importantly - why you want it.

I applaud your sense of optimism. 

How much do you know about the dynamics of BPD?

Are you and your partner willing and desirous of wanting to be together enough to regularly invest in couples counselling? 

True love, I believe, sees a couple as a whole and does not count score. Just because someone has a disorder, doesn't meant the relationship won't work. I know someone who is an amputee - one leg and she bore two beautiful children. Her "condition" means lots of allowances for their marital relations to take place in love and honesty.  I know someone else who is confined to a wheelchair, and that too means lots of allowances between she and her husband.

See my point.  The diagnosis is not the point. Being able and willing to meet each other in the middle of whatever challenges that presents - that's the point.

I would suggest that you might explore what the things that you can offer each other to factor your partner's bpd into the relationship will tell the tale.

Good luck.

I hope this makes sense.

Rev