Question About No Contact

[kma79]

I am feeling so conflicted. I have been NC with my mom for only like a week. I haven't talked to her in a couple of weeks, but I decided to go NC just a week ago after her string of abusive texts and messages. I decided that I have had enough of the abuse cycle that just keeps on repeating, but I feel like I am just ghosting her. My therapist says that it will be normal to feel this guilt, and it will slowly get better over time. Is it a bad idea to send an email to her with the reasoning for what I am doing? I'm going to look back at other posts to see what other people have done (letter or no letter?) It feels like it goes against every bone in my body to be the kind of person who just ignores someone without a reason. There of course is a reason, but I don't think my mom ever truly sees what she has done that is hurtful. She only sees herself as a victim. I know I need time to work on my own mental health and need to feel happy and have peace of mind for a while, but I don't think I will have peace of mind feeling like I'm ghosting someone who doesn't understand why. Or maybe she does know why? I just know that it is best for me to have NC for now and help myself a while.

Should I write an email explaining why I've decided on NC or will this guilt just subside over time and I should wait it out? On one hand, I could totally regret writing a letter because she might react abusively towards it. On the other, I might feel like less of a selfish person because I've clearly spelled out my feelings and needs? What do you think?

[Imatter33]

Kma,
 Going no contact for me was something that surprised me  but before I knew it it just was... what was.

I ended up writing a letter that I did not send in the beginning. it was very angry, it was not filtered and I would recommend writing something like that to get out your feelings.

Then not sending it so you can really see y in our feelings on paper. Months later I wrote another letter I did post here but again I  did not send because I personally do not feel ready yet and it’s been almost a year.

You  have to go at a pace that makes sense for you and in the beginning the emotions are pretty intense!  so feel your feelings vent to us and maybe write out some rough drafts?

Hugs!

[kma79]

Thanks so much for your reply Imatter33. I like your idea about writing a letter to get out all my feelings, but not sending it. It would feel good to write it all out just to vent. It would also be a good reminder to myself why I have made the decision of going NC when I am feeling guilt. Thanks again:-)

[Choosinghope]

Hi Kma,

I don't think there's a hard and fast rule here. I did end up sending a letter to my mom, but it wasn't just to explain the NC. My NC was also prompted by a series of very abusive, hurtful messages. My Dad and my T both encouraged me to write a letter addressing some of the accusations and beliefs expressed in the messages. Within the letter, I achnowledged that she was hurt, cleared up some confusion, established important marriage values and boundaries, and explained that I love her and want a healthy relationship with her. At the end, I told her that how she had been processing her fear and anger was hurtful and damaging, and I needed to take a step away to heal and process. I emphasized that I was not walking away forever, but that I did not her to contact me for the time being. She responded with a nasty message about me being brainwashed, and we've left it there. I am glad that I sent the letter, personally, but it isn't necessarily the right thing in every situation.

[Choosinghope]

One more thing. I second what Imatter said about writing out your feelings. Before I wrote the letter I ended up sending, I wrote a letter that expressed what I REALLY wanted to say to my mom, with all the emotion, hurt and strong language I could never actually express. I had my H read it, and then I deleted it. Though it never got sent, it was still cathartic to write and then delete. The double letter strategy might be something helpful for you. 

[kma79]

 Thanks so much Choosinghope. I like the letter idea just for venting and then deleting. Your mom's response to your letter sounds like something my mom would say (the brainwashed comment). I'm thinking that any letter I would send my mom would get some sort of negative response too. 

[Notwendy]

My mother would use a letter to get back at me somehow.

There's really no explaining her part of our relationship. ( or lack of one). It doesn't register with her. Her perspective is from victim mode- so she doesn't see her actions as being an issue - sees me as causing them.

I did not go NC with my mother. We were in closer contact when my father was alive and I wanted to have contact with him. My relationship with my mother was not a close one and once my father passed away, the emotional connection to my parents was different.

With my mother, I chose "low contact". We don't have a close relationship and I don't discuss emotional topics with her. We can talk about other things- the news, a book or movie. When  I don't share emotionally charged information with her, and I don't react emotionally, there is less drama between us.

It's only been a week for you. I have gone a few weeks without speaking to my mother- but it isn't NC- she would just assume I was busy. If you want to go NC- then do it, but I agree that it isn't easy to just "disconnect". It would not really be possible for me to do that unless I decided to disconnect with everyone in her circle- which included family members. I would probably encounter her at some family events.

"LC" works better for me in this situation. A gradual- not speaking about emotionally charged topics, being pleasant and not reactive- letting the relationship evolve- might work better than an abprupt disconnect. Doing this doesn't mean you won't be emotionally affected by the things she says- but over time, I have found they bother me less. Of course, if it is abusive and intollerable, NC could be the better choice.

Neither choice- to stay in contact or not, is an easy one. But we choose what we can manage.

[TelHill]

I’ve been in either NC or LC for over 35 years.  It was my innate reaction to being abused and hounded by mom since being a toddler.

Do what you want to do. I told my dBPD why very often. I’m glad I did. I feel proud of standing up for myself. 

There’s always some abusive response from her that’s out of proportion to my given reasons. That’s guaranteed with a BPD family member.

It’s painful definitely, but will never end the possibility of a great life for yourself. Best of luck with whichever action or inaction you take!