She got on the plane

[Spindle0516]

 Just thought I would update you all. My MIL flew to FL yesterday for the first stage of the move. It was an emotional day for all of us, and I am exhausted, but we got her on the plane!| I cannot believe that my husband and I get to live alone!

She already called today and asked us to coordinate a vet appointment regarding flea/tick medication for the dog, but we told her she has to figure that out down there.

We will go down next week with some more of her belongings and to have the family meeting with my husband, his 2 sisters, and my BIL via video chat. We are trying to find a neutral place for the meeting to avoid escalation at home- just has to be a place where having someone on video chat isn't rude and intrusive to the people around us.

MIL was emotional and a bit disregulated yesterday, but I think we did okay at using SET to minimize tension. She kept saying that it was her last time in NY and that she probably won't be allowed back. I know that hurt my husband's feelings because he has worked so hard to show her that he is trustworthy, and she still doesn't believe that she will be allowed to visit. Husband is having a tough time, and is really worried about her. He doesn't want her to end up in an abusive situation, and despite  our encouragement to tell his sister that she wants them to move out, she seems set on moving into her house, but letting them decide if they want to stay.

Anyway, I am proud of my husband too. I know yesterday was a tough day for him and he is feeling a lot of conflicting feelings. I just hope this stage doesn't last too long for him.

[Methuen]

Spindle!
 
This is such a success story.  I hope it brings hope to others who find themselves in a situation similar to yours.

She got on the plane!  Five amazing words!  I think that is also a testament to you and H, who must have used a lot of skills effectively to make this happen.  Congratulations to both you and H.  

She kept saying that it was her last time in NY and that she probably won't be allowed back. I know that hurt my husband's feelings because he has worked so hard to show her that he is trustworthy, and she still doesn't believe that she will be allowed to visit.

Those are hooks to draw drama.  She will stop saying it after her first visit (if it were my mom, I would insist on a return air ticket), whenever that happens (distant future?).  Right now, it's maybe just something she has to say because of the BPD?

Husband is having a tough time, and is really worried about her. He doesn't want her to end up in an abusive situation, and despite  our encouragement to tell his sister that she wants them to move out, she seems set on moving into her house, but letting them decide if they want to stay.

Letting them decide sounds like the BPD disorder again, always needing another crisis, or creating one if there isn't one on the horizon.  It's not logical or rational to let them decide.  It sounds purely emotional.  Having said that, it's her property, and she's an adult, so it's her decision.  So if she makes that decision, it's not H's duty to worry about her in the abusive situation because she will have chosen that situation, because she didn't ask them to leave.  If drama and chaos happens there, she will try to blame others, probably H, but hopefully he is OK with accepting that situation will have been her choice.  He does not have to accept FOG. The logical time to ask them to leave is now, with her moving back.  Asking them to leave 6 months from now or a year from now would involve far more drama than at this time, but ultimately, that too is her choice.  It's so hard to let BPD's learn to live with their own consequences right?

One step at a time.  She got on the plane.  That was a HUGE step.  Great job for setting up the environment where she felt safe enough to see that through.

I am so happy for you and H.  I hope he recovers from this change as quickly as possible.  It's also impressive that he saw the whole plan through to the end.  I can imagine he's going to be conflicted for a while.  I wish the two of you joy as you move on with your own life together.

[Harri]

That is great news Spindle!

I imagine the feelings are pretty conflicted.  I can imagine feeling relief and panic, concern, elation and a few other things all at once.  Not comfortable!

Give yourself and your husband time and grace while settling into the new routines and the change in your own relationship now that MIL is not there 24/7.

And, enjoy each other!

[Spindle0516]

It's so hard to let BPD's learn to live with their own consequences right?

I think this piece is way harder for me than I anticipated. She tells me about her history with abuse a lot. What she went through is horrific and she often expressed something akin to relief at not being in an abusive situation anymore. At least- I always assumed it was relief that she felt- she never used that specific word, so I am actually wondering if it was me who gave it that label and not her. It just feels extra confusing that she is choosing to walk into a potentially abusive situation after being free of that for so long.

I don't know. With having a diagnosis of PTSD, I guess she was never really free of it, and I wonder if she can even identify the difference? Does this even make sense?

I am a caretaker by nature, and it is really hard to watch someone choose something potentially destructive and unsafe, and to just allow it to happen.

I am so happy for you and H.  I hope he recovers from this change as quickly as possible.  It's also impressive that he saw the whole plan through to the end.  I can imagine he's going to be conflicted for a while.  I wish the two of you joy as you move on with your own life together.

Thank you!  I am really proud of him.

I hope this phase passes quickly as well. I think it will be easier to move forward after the family meeting. My husband is mostly worried about the environment she will be in when she returns home, and that his sister's partner will actually kill his mom. Beyond his temper (and the fact that he has a lot of hunting weapons) there is no basis to believing that he would be that malicious, so I think this is more a fear rooted in my husband's anxiety.

But nonetheless, I don't think we can rule out physical and emotional abuse. I believe that if this ends up being the situation, we can contact social services because there will also be children in the house. (Assuming they all stay which is what I think will happen.)

[Spindle0516]

I think this piece is way harder for me than I anticipated. She tells me about her history with abuse a lot. What she went through is horrific and she often expressed something akin to relief at not being in an abusive situation anymore. At least- I always assumed it was relief that she felt- she never used that specific word, so I am actually wondering if it was me who gave it that label and not her. It just feels extra confusing that she is choosing to walk into a potentially abusive situation after being free of that for so long.

I don't know. With having a diagnosis of PTSD, I guess she was never really free of it, and I wonder if she can even identify the difference? Does this even make sense?

I am a caretaker by nature, and it is really hard to watch someone choose something potentially destructive and unsafe, and to just allow it to happen.


Thank you!  I am really proud of him.

I hope this phase passes quickly as well. I think it will be easier to move forward after the family meeting. My husband is mostly worried about the environment she will be in when she returns home, and that his sister's partner will actually kill his mom. Beyond his temper (and the fact that he has a lot of hunting weapons) there is no basis to believing that he would be that malicious, so I think this is more a fear rooted in my husband's anxiety.

But nonetheless, I don't think we can rule out physical and emotional abuse. I believe that if this ends up being the situation, we can contact social services because there will also be children in the house. (Assuming they all stay which is what I think will happen.)

Give yourself and your husband time and grace while settling into the new routines and the change in your own relationship now that MIL is not there 24/7.

And, enjoy each other!

Thank you. It feels so relieving to know that my husband and I can enjoy time to ourselves. We know his mom and BPD are always going to be a part of our lives, but not being physically immersed in it 24/7 gives us a shot at a healthier future and I am so grateful.