What to do whilst being painted black?

[Gaasden]

Hi there,

I've been with my BPD girlfriend for close to four months now, and she's put me through it all. I feel like that she's getting better at controlling her BPD, but it's very much present. Most of the time she's able to calm herself if I somehow end up triggering her. Inevitably, however, she'll end up flying into a rage over something I've done or said. We'll get into an argument and then she'll give me the silent treatment for anywhere between an hour to a day or two depending on how triggered she is. While she's silent, she'll either lay in bed all day or distract herself with chores. I've asked her what I can do to get through to her when she gets this way, but she says that there's nothing that I can do.

We live together, which means that were around each other all the time. I don't know what I should or shouldn't do when she ends up getting triggered and mad at me. Whatever I end up doing, it alwayd seems to be the wrong thing according to her. I've tried letting distancing myself and letting her be silent for the time being, and I've tried getting close and asking her what's wrong and how she feels. Either way I'm apparently insensitive and stupid.

It seems that there's no way for me to actually calm her down. My question, however, is what I should do when she hates me and wont talk to me. Should I ignore her until she calms down and gets back to me, or should I do something else?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Carguy]

Hi Gaasden!

I'm still trying to learn myself but maybe assure her in that moment that you love and care about her. Empathise with her feelings. Let her know you're going to still be there but you are going to respectfully give her some space until she feels ready to discuss things.

From what I have read and seen, if either or both people are triggered, discussing things can be unproductive and can lead to more conflict. It is better to discuss things when both people are calm and out of that state.

Do you think this might help?

[juju2]

I agree with Carguy.   There is a lot of wisdom in this.

[CryWolf]

Hey I agree with car guy. Let her know your there and care about her. Its easy to get into the fix everything for her pattern but sometimes doing nothing and being there is what someone needs.

There is Lot of good information under the not jading section of the forum.   

[once removed]

the trick is not for you to break through to her.

the trick is not for you to calm her down.

the trick is for you to let her self soothe, and also, not make things worse.

sometimes people in a heightened emotional state need space. pushing too hard doesnt allow for that...it just agitates them.

can you give us a recent, specific example of what went wrong, and how?