Difficult friendship that's complicated because we're in the same mental health

[Erima]

Hi,
I have an ongoing problem with a friend whom I believe suffers from BPD, but doesn't know it.  I facilitate a monthly support group for adults with ADHD, which I have, and so does this friend.
 
She sometimes facilitates groups as well, but I am the person who was given the responsibility to manage the online Meetup site, which is actually owned by two other professionals in the ADHD field.
I also have a new business helping adults with ADHD.

My problem lately is my BPD friend is constantly sabotaging me in small ways because she wants control of the Meetup site, and resents me for it.  Because she's unreliable and unprofessional (e.g., using fake credentials behind her name, talking but not listening well in groups, and writing spurious things about me), I do not want her to have control of the site, even if I should step down, because her often inaccurate, inappropriate use of the site is potentially misleading and/or harmful to members who are new.

And yet, sometimes we're close.  I recognize and appreciate all her good qualities.

But a smoldering conflict has come to the surface this week, and I need to manage myself well to keep my cool.

My husband and another friend of mine who "get it" about her are helpful, to a point, but they get worn out listening to me talk about my stress.

I mean, I handle the situation well now, but the stress impacts me physically.  And I need to find people who understand.

Thank you for listening.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[juju2]

Wow.   Sounds like a lot to deal with.

I go to a 12 step for co dependency issues.  We have a saying, "you might be right."

Having ways to defuse things with a word, or saying, or some other way...

I have stress at work too.

I work closely w master manipulator. She is toxic.  She can be kind.   I guess what I do is limit contact. I am a lot better about doing what I need to take care if myself...
And I do mess up... I guess don't be so hard on myself and make sure I find things I enjoy and do those things.

[Erima]

Thank you for responding.  And I like your codependency group's saying: "You may be right."

My problem is I feel a little guilty for being the person "in charge" in this relatively small area (managing an online Meetup site; I mean, it's not a highly coveted role).
I keep justifying and explaining my stance with other people (because I do feel a tad guilty about it and want them (my husband and friends whom I turn to for support about this person) to know why I feel strongly about ensuring she (the suspected BPD) doesn't gain control of this site.

Partially it's because I'm utilizing that platform for my business (which I've been given permission to do by the site's owners), and I am afraid of her sabotaging my business, because it happened a few years ago with a different business, unrelated to this one. (She sabotaged my business by squashing a contract I'd made and worked hard on, with a relative of hers, whom she'd introduced me to with the purpose being to "help" me because my product was so "exceptional.")

Due to the hardship that situation had created (loss of potential income and my husband not allowing her in our home anymore), we'd been estranged for a year.

But we're kept "together" by our mutual support group network, which I'd introduced her to, plus she and her husband live in a house adjacent to my husband's and my best friends' house (a couple we've known forever), which also keeps us in frequent contact, because my suspected BPD friend attends many mutual events, such as going to the gym together, with the wife in this couple, who's my closest friend.

So, indeed it's tricky.

I feel so alone in this sometimes, because I'm the person directly affected by it, and I'm also far more "targeted" for frequent distortion campaigns.

Three mutual acquaintances have had bumpy issues with her; two of those people have taken steps to successfully remove her from their lives, the other one "reinstated" her after awhile.

And, truth be told, when my suspected BPD friend is being "good" (I suppose it's called "splitting white"), she's absolutely amazing.  And I like her so much during those times!

So, I always feel a little guilty.  Is that common? 

[juju2]

I think feeling guilty is common.   It's always shifting sands...

I feel like I am suspending reality w my estranged s.o.

He asks a lot if me, I have 90 % of his belongings, he comes over to get one thing he needs, he will spend time w me here at my home we used to share, say by the way, do you know where xyz is? Can I look for it.?

I feel used.  And he will say he wants to get back together.  I see expediency and it hurts.   And he is a master of being wonderful...i enjoy his company...

I am asserting myself, said in 30 days am clearing out everything.   He needs to figure himself out, what he wants.
I no longer want our relationship to be based on him coming over to see me and really having ulterior motives...

Getting close to him means bringing all the chaos close.   It's the whole thing.