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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Cromwell
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« Reply #30 on: March 11, 2020, 06:28:28 PM »

I am not a fan of subterfuge.

Unfortunately, it is the subterrain and the hidden which is the cause of the strife we all must face in therapy.

Plucky, all I did was comment on the stuff brought to the table. If you are content you did nothing wrong - that laziness and being laid back had nothing to do with it - well, why then, mention it at all if there is no relevance to anything?
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Plucky1980
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« Reply #31 on: March 12, 2020, 01:44:59 AM »

Unfortunately, it is the subterrain and the hidden which is the cause of the strife we all must face in therapy.

Plucky, all I did was comment on the stuff brought to the table. If you are content you did nothing wrong - that laziness and being laid back had nothing to do with it - well, why then, mention it at all if there is no relevance to anything?

I've been in therapy. Twice. And I've not been told by either therapist that my occasional laziness and laid back personality contributed to the way I was treated or the downfall of the relationship. So yes, I'm satisfied. I mentioned it because I am searching for reasons as to why I still blame myself.

I just didn't appreciate what you were insinuating. I'm not to blame for what happened to me. I am a lot of things, and certainly not perfect. I have flaws like the rest of us. But I did not bring this on myself.
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daze507
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« Reply #32 on: March 12, 2020, 03:33:04 AM »

None of us has brought that to himself. We'e human, we're not perfect and despite the guilt that we all feel and felt you have no responsibility. You don't get trached because you have flaws, especially when the person who traches you has a lot too, who does that?
I mean, I've been thrown stuff at my face like two minutes after I've been told "I love you" and kissed. Then, she was the one complaining that "you've changed, you're not the same as before". This is what we had to deal with.
Again, our loves have an illness, and not a tiny one at that, we must never ever forget that and trying to interpret their actions as the actions of someone who hasn't BPD.
« Last Edit: March 12, 2020, 03:42:41 AM by daze507 » Logged
Plucky1980
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« Reply #33 on: March 12, 2020, 04:32:17 AM »

im on your side here, Plucky. im not here to judge you or doubt you, or take you down.

i, and all of us are here to help you in detaching. and part of that is about gently helping each other face the emotionally difficult aspects of our relationships, and in this case, detaching from the wounds.

why do you feel duped by her?


I feel duped because of the words she said, about loving me and wanting to live with me and marry me, move forward with me. It was all bluster and nonsense, it wasn't real. I guess that's my own fault for not paying more attention to her actions, I believed the words coming out of her mouth. In my defence it can be difficult to remain objective when someone is telling you how much they love you and want to marry you.
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Cromwell
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« Reply #34 on: March 12, 2020, 05:13:17 AM »

I mentioned it because I am searching for reasons as to why I still blame myself.

I get it, It just seeped back in for some reason despite what the therapists said (or did not say)
I just didn't appreciate what you were insinuating.

I wont press the issue further in that case, it can be laid to rest now as satisfied as you said.
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« Reply #35 on: March 13, 2020, 04:07:33 AM »

what if its less about blame or fault, but about two people who werent meant to be?

my ex and i didnt see each other much in our last three months together. things had gotten so rough, i just couldnt take it. i wanted and needed as much time away as i could get. i remember loved ones telling me i was neglecting her...that i could lose her. i shrugged it off. mostly because by then, my ex seemed okay with it too. little did i know what might be helping her through the distance, at the time  Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)

when she did break up with me, it came as such a shock, and it felt so sudden and out of nowhere. i couldnt get my head around it. i had actually made up my mind to reinvest in the relationship shortly before. the last time wed seen each other went great, and she said it was as if she fell in love with me all over again.

those same loved ones, very gently, suggested to me that maybe it wasnt so sudden. that theyd kind of warned me this could happen.

and that thought, that id screwed it all up, would send me into such a total tailspin at the time.

was there a lesson to be learned? absolutely, several. neither my ex nor i had the guts to end the relationship, so i emotionally abandoned it, and she went looking elsewhere. did my actions contribute to the downfall of my relationship? of course it did.

was it all my fault? were my actions the cause of the breakup? no. we had serious problems from day one, and we were headed toward a breakup for at least the final year.

you can see from my old posts that that kind of detached outlook on what happened is very different than how i felt at the time.

a relationship is a series of interactions between two people. when a breakup happens, there are always going to be factors, from both sides, that contributed to the downfall of the relationship. and sometimes, we really regret some of those things, wish we could take them back, undo them. but the breakup, usually, wasnt about those specific things. it was, ultimately, about two people that werent the right fit.

this is from your very first post here:

I started to progressively feel more and more insecure.
...
I also noticed that she would criticise my insecurity (which she caused) frequently.
...
Citing that it isn't going to work, she doesn't love me, etc. I pleaded of course, being short of confidence and self esteem, but it didn't work.
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She said my confidence was the only thing that was wrong.
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Things were good for a while. My confidence started to return.
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These would dent my confidence even further and in hindsight, this made me act needy as I thought at the time I didn't want to lose her.
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I felt like I'd been used, and then discarded when I'd outlived my usefulness. I recognise that being needy and lacking confidence are not attractive traits but she caused that, with her behaviour.

from one man who has struggled on and off with confidence in his life to another, Plucky, this is the wound of all wounds that you must detach from. and this wound did not begin with her. it wasnt caused by her. she exacerbated it, to be sure, and somewhere, deep down, i suspect you feel that she confirmed those very fears about yourself.

ive been there myself. my second serious girlfriend seemed to be crazy about me when i felt on, cool, confident. and when she/i wasnt, i frantically tried to put on that attitude, to get those feelings of hers back...i wasnt totally aware thats what i was doing, at the time...i just wondered what was wrong with me that was turning her off, and tried even harder. and she kinda reinforced all of that, putting it on me.

it is very easy to feel on top of the world, and full of confidence, with a fun, attractive girl that pursues you, that tells you youre the love of her life, that tells you she wants to marry you, and pushes for a future. and its very easy to feel like something is deeply wrong with you when she takes it all back.

but my friend, that is shaky confidence that pivots on the external, and the reactions of others.

youre struggling now not because she took your confidence away, but because you, on some level, believe your confidence comes from others.

believe it or not, this person came into your life to awaken you to that, and to give you the opportunity to find healing through finding your real confidence.
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Plucky1980
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« Reply #36 on: March 24, 2020, 12:32:04 PM »

what if its less about blame or fault, but about two people who werent meant to be?

I've snipped what you said to me Once, just for ease. I'll reply to everything you've said.

Obviously we weren't right for each other in the end. I know I sound like a broken record here but it's the behaviour that has upset me so much. Her words and (in the beginning at least) actions making me believe she loved me and wanted a future with me. I'm dwelling on stupid things I know but her overall behaviour (which I've bored everyone with in previous posts) was just not normal and totally alien to me.

Regarding the confidence issue, you obviously speak from experience and I'm sorry about that.

I had *some* confidence before I met her and in the early stages of the relationship. But largely, you are right. I've never been someone who has a lot of self confidence. And I do agree that I relied on her in respect of that, and I probably did it in the past, too. She did rob me of the confidence I had built up with her actions. And I did feel like there was something wrong with me when she pulled the rug out from under me. I still do, very occasionally. And it's been 15 months.

But I digress. As I said, you're pretty much correct. Question is, how to get past it and build my confidence again?
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Pytagoras
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« Reply #37 on: March 27, 2020, 03:50:57 PM »

Plucky1980

I'm about your age and out of the BPD-NPD for 6 months and honestly, i find my self thinking and feeling the same as you about having a women in my life.

I also feel like my confidence as an atractive man with value is gone. And that will be really challenging if i will ever seriously date again.

Of course i understand those are irrational thoughts, but i cant help having them for now, and feel what i feel.
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« Reply #38 on: March 28, 2020, 01:11:51 AM »

But I digress. As I said, you're pretty much correct. Question is, how to get past it and build my confidence again?

there are a lot of answers to this. none of them necessarily more or less important than another.

fully grieve the relationship before you move to the next.

kick any crutches to the ground.

embrace the hard questions and aspects of recovery. the more you are able to do that, the more detached you are.

surround yourself with positive loved ones. you dont want to over rely on external validation, but when recovering from this kind of wound, its important to see your good qualities reflected back at you.

what are you good at? what makes you "good"? think about it. then do those things.

find new things. there is nothing better for confidence than learning new skills, and achieving new goals...find something new to be good at, that gives you joy.

on a personal level, learning the tools here, applying them in my life, as well as applying them when im responding to other members was a game changer. being able to deal with difficult people in more mature ways has given me loads of confidence.

and thats a really big part of it. figure out what it means, for you personally, to mature, to find that better, stronger version of yourself.

that requires a deep, humbling dive, but it pays off.

go back to your childhood and think hard about pivotal moments that undermined your confidence, and the actualization of your authentic self.
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