about my Granddaughter

[LouisaCarn]

My 18 year old granddaughter would really profit from reading one of the "Eggshell" books, but she is still living at home.  She is afraid to have such a book in the house, her mom (BPD), monitors her phone, so no audio book.    I could buy her a Kindle but she is afraid it would be found.  Any suggestions?

[Mata]

If she's still in school, could she keep a copy of the book there?  Or perhaps she could go to the library and read it onsite rather than checking it out and taking it home.  Alternatively, maybe you could get a hard copy of the book and remove the cover and title page and replace it with a "dummy cover" from some other random book that wouldn't be a trigger for her mom if she saw it.  This is probably an extreme suggestion and assumes it is unlikely the mom would open and read the book. 

Also the audio version of the book "Understanding the Borderline Mother" is available for free on YouTube.  So she wouldn't need to download anything onto the phone to listen to it, but probably would need to clear her search history.  It's a good resource.  I learned a lot about my BPD mother from it.  Here's a link to the first section: 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-Ai6ujUDX0

[LouisaCarn]

Thank you for the YouTube suggestion.  That just might work.  She is not in school right now and her mom doesn't want her to get a job right now since she is needed at home--so no place to hide the book.  She is so unhappy.

[Methuen]

Hi Louisa

She is not in school right now and her mom doesn't want her to get a job right now since she is needed at home

Hmm.  This sounds like a bit of a red flag to me, because this sounds like it is all about what the "mom" wants, instead of what your grand-daughter wants, even though grandaughter is a young adult.  

Most moms will want their daughter to either go to school or get a job, so she can learn to stand on her own two feet, be independent, and make her own way in life.  Kind of like the mama robin pushing the babies out of the nest to teach them to fly.

When you say "she is needed at home", what does that mean?  Is the "needing" to look after mom's needs in some way, or is there something else going on?

She is afraid to have such a book in the house, her mom (BPD), monitors her phone, so no audio book.    I could buy her a Kindle but she is afraid it would be found.

It's sounding somewhat like grand-daughter does not always feel emotionally safe.  Does this sound accurate, or maybe that's that too strong a way of putting it?

Does your grand-daughter live anywhere near you?  Or does she have another place to go visit when she "needs a break" from being at home?

[LouisaCarn]

Thank you so much for responding.  I think "needed at home" means that she is asked to do much of the housework and taking care of the other kids.  She is about to turn 19 but her BP mom, my daughter-in-law, does not want her to go anywhere and keep a very tight leash on her.
The good news is that they are in the process of moving near us, the grandparents from far away so I have been able to bring her back with me after I visited.  Days of driving allowed her to listen to the Eggshells audio book.  We listened together and discussed it along the way.  She wants to stay with us, get a job and maybe take some classes at the local community college.  She is welcome to stay but when the family finally arrives at the house they just bought, her mom will be furious if she refuses to come home.  After listening to the book, we think we know what she needs to say to her mom.  "I know you are frightened and you don't want me to leave you, but I need to give myself a little space to begin my life.  I will always want to be part of your life and will still always be part of our family"  Does that sound about right?  Right now I need to find a therapist.  Does anyone know of one in the D.C. area?

[Methuen]

 

"I know you are frightened and you don't want me to leave you, but I need to give myself a little space to begin my life.  I will always want to be part of your life and will still always be part of our family"

I think this sounds good.  Perhaps I might change the order a little bit...

"It sounds like you are frightened and don't want me to leave."  

Pause after that.  See how that part goes.  If it goes well, then move on to "I need to give myself a little space to begin my life.  I will always want to be part of your life and will still always be part of our family".  

On the other hand, if the first part doesn't go well, stay with the support and empathy part of SET, and keep doing more of it.  Moving on to the "I need..." part too soon may be a trigger if she hears it before she feels fully validated by the first "It sounds..." part.

Does that make sense?

I think it's good.  I had to work on this "tool" a lot, and am still working on it.  I believe I'm gonna have to work at it as long as my mom is alive.   It's tricky business navigating an emotionally dysregulated BPD down from a "crisis".

Good job  

[Panda39]

Hi Louisa,

I was reading along and thought I'd pull information on SET that Methuen mentioned...

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0

Your granddaughter is lucky to have you in her life, some one she can talk to and that validates her feelings, it's important that she feels heard, knows that things are not her fault, knows that she is a great person just as she is.  Mom's love is likely conditional.

She is not in school right now and her mom doesn't want her to get a job right now

 

This was a red flag for me too.  I watched my partner's undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw) do something similar with her daughter's particularly the oldest when she and my partner were divorcing.  She parentified both girls they were to take care of her both emotionally and physically (older daughter did the cooking, took care of her younger sister and both girls were expected to emotionally support their mother).  All of this should have been the other way around...mom is the adult she should have been doing all of those things for her daughters. The girls were 10 & 15 when their parents separated.  They were doing what they had been conditioned to do.  So much of the focus of everyone was on their mom...trying to make her happy...fixing impulsive choices she made...everything revolved around her. 

Can I ask where her dad is with all of this?  How many siblings does she have?

Panda39

[LouisaCarn]

Thank you all for replying.  I am so happy to have found this group.  Someone asked where the dad was in all of this.  The Dad is my son.  He has been married to his BPD wife for 22 years and they have 8 children.  My son has been committed to staying for a long time now, but I think it is all wearing him down.  I'm not sure how much longer he can hold out.  Moving across country and then moving back home I think is part of his plan.  If he does leave, he will have family support and a place to go.  Things are getting worse and she is making suicide threats more frequently.  I am not free to talk to him, since she is very paranoid, but next time I can talk to him, I want to make sure he knows that 8 - 10% of BPD's actually do kill themselves.  I don't think he knows that.
BTW, while I love this group, I am worried about her finding my posts.  I know I use a different name but I am scared to give too much information about our situation for fear she will find it.  Just how safe is this group?  Has a BPD person ever found private posts here from a family member?