I need advice on whether to reconcile with my ex who is BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

My bpd ex wants to come home, because he has no where else to go quarantine himself. (hes not sick, just been couch surfing with family, and is wearing out his welcome) We broke up 6-7 weeks ago, been together nearly two years before that. I love this man but he is near impossible to get along with and even when things are good he is pretty demanding/high maintenance.

He has hurt me A BUNCH. Anger outbursts, devaluation, extreme projection, suicide threats, delusions, and has discarded me twice out of the blue. He has drained my energy, compassion, and patience. It really crushed my heart both times he broke up with me, he was very cold. But he can also be very loving... its confusing. Its pretty clear that he is suffering deeply inside, and so I got super entangled in trying to understand and accommodate all of his behaviors and needs, and its taken me a long time to feel normal-ish again. I'm still adjusting to being single but I am also still super in love with him. We did have a lot of fun together and shared interests and activities we did together. Hes pretty great if I can get him to focus on something besides drama. And so yes I do miss him, terribly. But I also cant forget what he put me through.

Seems like as soon as I started to feel a tiny bit better after the breakup and like I could move on, around a week ago, he starts saying he wants to try again and apologized profusely for behaviors I thought he would never admit to doing. He is laying it on thick how much he wants to change and I want so badly to believe him but I know he wont get help and I kind of feel like I'd be dumb to believe him, my friends will probably be upset as well. And, I also feel pretty sure that he might not be wanting to come back if things were working out better for him and he had another place to go.

But with the coronavirus getting so serious, its putting pressure on me to decide *super* quickly whether or not to let him back at my house...I had been no contact before that, and as soon as I started talking to him I could hear the relief in his voice- he definitely has a fear of abandonment and even though he broke it off, it tortured him when i accepted the breakup and gave him space he asked for. But I love him a lot, and Im always thinking about him and worried about his state of mental health...now worried about his safety too.

So I guess my question is How do you decide whether to stay and try to work with someone who has BPD or move on with your life. How do you know when to keep helping and when to walk away? Would I be making a big mistake to give this person another chance given the circumstances, or do you think its possible to work through this together. Thanks in advance for your time and help. 

[Auracle]

My bpd ex wants to come home, because he has no where else to go quarantine himself. (hes not sick, just been couch surfing with family, and is wearing out his welcome) We broke up 6-7 weeks ago, been together nearly two years before that. I love this man but he is near impossible to get along with and even when things are good he is pretty demanding/high maintenance.

He has hurt me A BUNCH. Anger outbursts, devaluation, extreme projection, suicide threats, delusions, and has discarded me twice out of the blue. He has drained my energy, compassion, and patience. It really crushed my heart both times he broke up with me, he was very cold. But he can also be very loving... its confusing. Its pretty clear that he is suffering deeply inside, and so I got super entangled in trying to understand and accommodate all of his behaviors and needs, and its taken me a long time to feel normal-ish again. I'm still adjusting to being single but I am also still super in love with him. We did have a lot of fun together and shared interests and activities we did together. Hes pretty great if I can get him to focus on something besides drama. And so yes I do miss him, terribly. But I also cant forget what he put me through.

Seems like as soon as I started to feel a tiny bit better after the breakup and like I could move on, around a week ago, he starts saying he wants to try again and apologized profusely for behaviors I thought he would never admit to doing. He is laying it on thick how much he wants to change and I want so badly to believe him but I know he wont get help and I kind of feel like I'd be dumb to believe him, my friends will probably be upset as well. And, I also feel pretty sure that he might not be wanting to come back if things were working out better for him and he had another place to go.

But with the coronavirus getting so serious, its putting pressure on me to decide *super* quickly whether or not to let him back at my house...I had been no contact before that, and as soon as I started talking to him I could hear the relief in his voice- he definitely has a fear of abandonment and even though he broke it off, it tortured him when i accepted the breakup and gave him space he asked for. But I love him a lot, and Im always thinking about him and worried about his state of mental health...now worried about his safety too.

So I guess my question is How do you decide whether to stay and try to work with someone who has BPD or move on with your life. How do you know when to keep helping and when to walk away? Would I be making a big mistake to give this person another chance given the circumstances, or do you think its possible to work through this together. Thanks in advance for your time and help. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[juju2]

Hi.

It is possible to work thru things.  You are in the right place.   Tools, experience of others, reading, to name a few things, help.

Also, I found that being in a relationship requires me to take excellent care of myself.

So, yes, it is possible.  It's your choice.

[Auracle]

Thanks for responding. I had hoped it was possible. I tried to lay down the boundary that he could come here but that I wanted to stay friends for a while and take things very slow...and that he would need to keep the peace for the sake of my teenage son and roomates. It didnt go over well and I ended up getting verbally slaughtered and blocked for expressing that I need to protect my family and my heart. Really really hurts because my heart got opened up again and already got a mouthful of why Im the problem and the door closed in my face. It was crazy after 7 weeks of being without him, to relive my old mantra 'but i didnt do anything wrong!' Because I didnt. Healthy people should respect boundaries, especially obvious ones. I try to listen and to validate him but its truly all about his feelings and if I express mine at all I'm selfish and wont hear him... its so sad!

[juju2]

I hear your pain.

For me to be in relationship, I have to maintain who i am ...in the face of...
This person who I care about so very much.

I am in the medical profession, support personnel.  I understand the concept of mental illness, diagnosis. 

Coming from the space of my significant other...has a diagnosis...that comes out in close relationships...helps me be who I want to be in that moment...

Everything is up to me.  Can I enjoy the many good, great things.

Can I.

It does challenge.  And so much does challenge, him, my life, the virus.

On a good day my life is a challenge.
My dog keeps barking in the back yard.

I really have to breathe.  Pause. Pause some more.

I also belong to a 12 step which helps me with my codependent.

[Auracle]

[ quote author=Amback link=topic=343666.msg13104545#msg13104545 date=1584736681]
Coming from the space of my significant other...has a diagnosis...that comes out in close relationships...helps me be who I want to be in that moment...

Everything is up to me.  Can I enjoy the many good, great things.

Can I.
[/quote]

I needed to read this this morning. Thank you very much, its so helpful.

It takes an incredible amount of strength to handle this with grace, I think.
I used to be so good at steering him to a place of peace. Now I just get frustrated more easily.

I ended up getting into a conversation with him, where I felt manipulated and guilt tripped into letting him stay here, and somehow ended up just being ultra supportive and saying, 'of course you can come here, of course I want you to be safe'. When I got off the phone I felt a little sick inside, like what have I done, but I tried to remember to be compassionate and that he really needs somewhere to go in this corona-crisis. He was supposed to leave this morning to travel to my house from his parents. But then, last night, someone randomly called me up and said she felt compelled to tell me the truth about about some texts he sent her right after we broke up, and read them aloud to me. I was mortified by his spiteful language and description of me...

He KEEPS calling me a narcissist, which is really painful, because I have been so patient and loving to this person who is emotionally abusive and I feel his projections are so strong, and also its like he's deflecting his own behavior onto me always. He has an angry outburst, its because I make his blood boil. He starts drinking, its because I made him so angry. He spreads bad things about me all over town, to whoever will listen, that's because I need to understand what I did to make him hate me. He is constantly telling me I cannot see my own behavior, but I'm sitting there listening to him yell at me while I patiently listen and carefully try to respond in a way that supports him and does not further upset him, while he can say what he wants, and in a hurtful way.  Its like hes using his idea that i have narcissism as a weapon to keep gaslighting me, telling me everything's my fault, and then saying I'm gaslighting him when I don't agree with his projections! In fact, the fact that I don't agree is WHY I'm a narcissist. Its like I either have to just admit to doing things I didn't do, think, or feel, OR I have to be a mental ninja... but I cant just agree with things that aren't true, and I'm not that quick witted to always respond in a way that lets him see things in reality. I feel like because I am not as smart or quick thinking as he is, he is always twisting everything around faster than I can respond and Im left feeling brainwashed and confused with my self-esteem demolished.

So. long story short, he was telling this person over text about my huge ego problem, and saying i was entitled and that i was suckling off of his energy- which is basically him describing himself. And it hurt to hear that's what he thinks of me and would say it in such a hurtful way to someone who isn't a close friend to either of us.

So I told him not to come. I felt like I'll just be inviting that energy back into my home again. And he freaked out, and of course starts telling me its my entitled behavior that I can just change my mind. And that he's going to die now because of me. And that now everything is my fault if his life doesn't work out. And I'm a narcissist, ice queen...

But then I come and I read your post. And I realize that I can steer the ship. I know that if I don't let it affect me, then it has no fuel for him for the negativity to feed on. I'm always able to almost change the subject sometimes... it works like 75% of the time, not all the time. So I sent him a text, and I said ""Put yourself in my shoes, I'm hurting too because of what you said. I'm sorry I hurt you, everything's going to be okay."" And he responded with an apology.  Im not sure how things will pan out yet because he says he's going to call me. But I kind of feel like this is going nowhere.

I do feel sorry for him- I know its difficult for him to regulate his emotions. But I also know I just have to either figure out how to make this work, so i stop getting abused by him, or let it go and find peace and stability. This is so hard. Thanks for letting me vent & sorry for the long rant!

[Steps31]

I was also called a narcissist. Things I had never heard of and it led me through a path of months of watching youtube videos about narcissists and their behaviors.
It hurt.
and it hurt because I was sensing that she wasn't seeing the real me. The person who I felt closest to... she was seeing what she wanted to see.
I thought, how can I be in a relationship with someone who's not seeing me for who I am?

[Auracle]

@step31- thank you for saying that, that is exactly how I feel. I am so sorry that you had to go through that. It really hurts to not be seen for you are! He definitely does not see me for who I am, at least not when splitting.  I held my tongue and I have never once called him a negative demeaning name, or said bad things about him. I have been honest about my concerns and issues surrounding his anger, drinking, and other behaviors, but have done so respectfully and gently. From his side, he almost cannot communicate without slandering me until Im basically complying with his accusations... then he lightens up, after he gets me responding how he wants.

So I ended up saying to him, okay fine YOU ARE RIGHT Im a narcissist, tell me how to change, or lets go to couples counselling and help me figure out how to change and grow and be a better person. And he refuses... because he says it won't help me, and it certainly wont help him because its 'babylon' and they wont understand the way he thinks and will try to get him on meds. Truthfully I know this is the real reason he doesnt want to go, he may have to face things instead of constantly shifting the blame, and i can see that's just so hard for him- his ego is very fragile and he cannot take criticism until he's ready to think about it. He does take ownership but never in a heated moment- its always after he's had a lot of time to reflect.

When I think back to when it started, I think he's calling me NPD because I confronted him about having BPD. When I first started reading about BPD I was like OMG thats him! And so I approached him in a gentle way about it, when he was calm, and he was almost relieved to read about what was going on. He told me point blank he has 9 of 9 symptoms (which i already knew) But after a couple days he started accussing me of having NPD, and told me he 'knows' because he used to be diagnosed with NPD but now he's better, and that my behavior is like his 'used to be'. Back when he first told me this i watched so many videos! I don't want to be disrespectful or say I think I can diagnose people, but its clear he has BPD, he does have some level of empathy, just not with me most of the time. He can be very caring of others, thoughtful, and a good listener when hes not unstable, and its very clear that he is suffering more than just selfish. I think the suffering is what makes him appear selfish, because its like he's acting out to get a reaction or response to see who cares in order to fill some void within.

Anyways sorry my posts are so long! I really think I need to talk about this. Its alot to process. Thanks for giving me a place to do so.

[Steps31]

Your posts are not long, believe me!

You have a good line of thought, so don't doubt yourself...

[once removed]

Its alot to process.

it is. how are you doing? any update?

[juju2]

Good morning Auracle

You are getting a lot of stuff out.

that way you are not carrying it.

Good job!

This journey is a now-thing and a marathon.

It helps me to read here, learn, be gentle.
With----me, him, them.  everyone.

It has been about gaining myself back to me.
What do I want. What is important to me and my life.

[truthbeknown]

@step31- thank you for saying that, that is exactly how I feel. I am so sorry that you had to go through that. It really hurts to not be seen for you are! He definitely does not see me for who I am, at least not when splitting.  I held my tongue and I have never once called him a negative demeaning name, or said bad things about him. I have been honest about my concerns and issues surrounding his anger, drinking, and other behaviors, but have done so respectfully and gently. From his side, he almost cannot communicate without slandering me until Im basically complying with his accusations... then he lightens up, after he gets me responding how he wants.

So I ended up saying to him, okay fine YOU ARE RIGHT Im a narcissist, tell me how to change, or lets go to couples counselling and help me figure out how to change and grow and be a better person. And he refuses... because he says it won't help me, and it certainly wont help him because its 'babylon' and they wont understand the way he thinks and will try to get him on meds. Truthfully I know this is the real reason he doesnt want to go, he may have to face things instead of constantly shifting the blame, and i can see that's just so hard for him- his ego is very fragile and he cannot take criticism until he's ready to think about it. He does take ownership but never in a heated moment- its always after he's had a lot of time to reflect.

If I would give any advise, be careful to admit "you are right, i'm a narcissist" because it's like giving in to a childs tantrum and then they will use this as more fuel against you.   Also, subconsciously it may mess with your mind and you may start taking on these projections if you admit to them outloud.

When I think back to when it started, I think he's calling me NPD because I confronted him about having BPD. When I first started reading about BPD I was like OMG thats him! And so I approached him in a gentle way about it, when he was calm, and he was almost relieved to read about what was going on. He told me point blank he has 9 of 9 symptoms (which i already knew) But after a couple days he started accussing me of having NPD, and told me he 'knows' because he used to be diagnosed with NPD but now he's better, and that my behavior is like his 'used to be'. Back when he first told me this i watched so many videos! I don't want to be disrespectful or say I think I can diagnose people, but its clear he has BPD, he does have some level of empathy, just not with me most of the time. He can be very caring of others, thoughtful, and a good listener when hes not unstable, and its very clear that he is suffering more than just selfish. I think the suffering is what makes him appear selfish, because its like he's acting out to get a reaction or response to see who cares in order to fill some void within.

This exact thing happened to me.  The first time I broke up with her she was so distraught that I kind of ran the hypothesis by her that "sometimes people have conditions that they don't know about and if they just get help then they will be okay."  She asked me what I meant and I said, "well you seem to paint me black when you get upset or out of sorts and make things my fault for your upsettedness."  From here she researched "painted black" and then came back to me and told me she thinks she has some traits of bpd but only 4 out of the 9.   We actually were in a good place at that moment and then she called me a narcissist out of the blue and it threw me over the edge because of my past trauma with being married to someone with bpd (who still alienates my kids against me).  I figured I couldn't have 2 bpd people competing with each other in my life as i'm still dealing with my ex wife and the fallout from that.  So every situation is different.  I really think that maybe I could have been stronger if she had been the first partner that i had encountered that with but because i had already been through the gamut i promised myself i wouldn't do it again.  Still very hard because even though she was the most intense partner i have ever had she was also the most loving when she was balanced.  The ride on the swing of the pendulum was too much for me and i had to respect my own personal protection rules that i had set up for myself.  Plus we were long distance which wasn't good for us.  To be honest after the make ups and the last episode where she got mad and dumped me over text I walked away.  I only regret that i wasn't super human and that there isn't a magic cure for this.  I don't know if she would have done the DBT training because once she started calling me a narcissist it became a projection of hers and she kept devaluing me and looking for me to fit that role.  If he can agree to therapy DBT, and if you feel you are strong enough to not take on the projections and let it hurt your self esteem then go for it.  Key things to look out for?  watch you health.  You may tell yourself you can handle it but then your body could say otherwise.  I gained weight, my hair started thinning dramatically and i got chest pains with her after one argument.  I almost had a heart attack i believed.  So these were reasons i had to walk away after the last bpd outburst.  I hope our stories help you to discern what is best for you.   Every situation/ case is unique in some ways but very similar in other ways.

Anyways sorry my posts are so long! I really think I need to talk about this. Its alot to process. Thanks for giving me a place to do so.