Sister with BPD, How To Have Better Relationship?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Several years ago, I attended a workshop on living with family members who have mental illness. I read the profile for BPD and thought it described my sibling. I asked my sibling if anyone had ever given that diagnosis because I had not ever heard that she had it. She told me that was the first diagnosis she had been given after being hospitalized when she was about 19 or 20. My parents never mentioned it. My sister is in her 50s now.

My relationship with my sister has over the years left me feeling overwhelmed, guilt ridden, angry, sad, frustrated, and resentful. She saps any joy from life. If I’m feeling good about anything I become sad and guilty because her life is so miserable. She rejects any suggestions that anyone gives — family, doctors, caseworkers, literally anyone —to make life better. She does take prescribed medications but that is all. But she also is needy, complaining, irritable, moody. She is as one of my friends described her “an emotional black hole  of need.”  She is judgmental, spiteful, ignorant, unteachable. I want to have a better relationship. I’m completely lost as to
How to do
That.

[phoenixrising202]

Several years ago, I attended a workshop on living with family members who have mental illness. I read the profile for BPD and thought it described my sibling. I asked my sibling if anyone had ever given that diagnosis because I had not ever heard that she had it. She told me that was the first diagnosis she had been given after being hospitalized when she was about 19 or 20. My parents never mentioned it. My sister is in her 50s now.

My relationship with my sister has over the years left me feeling overwhelmed, guilt ridden, angry, sad, frustrated, and resentful. She saps any joy from life. If I’m feeling good about anything I become sad and guilty because her life is so miserable. She rejects any suggestions that anyone gives — family, doctors, caseworkers, literally anyone —to make life better. She does take prescribed medications but that is all. But she also is needy, complaining, irritable, moody. She is as one of my friends described her “an emotional black hole  of need.”  She is judgmental, spiteful, ignorant, unteachable. I want to have a better relationship. I’m completely lost as to
How to do
That.

[Panda39]

Hi phoenixrising202,

Welcome to the BPD Family 

I come at BPD from a slightly different angle my Partner has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw).  One of the first things I did when I first discovered BPD was hit my local library and learn more about what BPD is.  There are many books on the subject here are a couple...(If you click on "Groups" at the top we have a library of books and reviews you can search for other books on BPD and related topics)

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul T. T. Mason MS, Randi Kreger

Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change By: Valerie Porr

Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life by Margalis Fjelstad

For me it really helped to read and get a good grounding in what BPD is, then start learning some of the tools.

Do you live near your sister?  Is she married or have kids? How do your parents manage her behaviors? How often do you see or talk to her?  What do you find most challenging? Just trying to get a better feel for your situation 

I'm glad you've found us and decided to jump in we all "get it".  There is a lot of information, tools, and support to be found here.

Again Welcome,
Panda39

[Thanks]

Hi, Phoenixrising,

I know exactly how you feel - my 65-year-old sister has had BPD ever since her early teens (I believe my brother shows symptoms as well; that's 2 out of the 6 of us kids). My poor mom and dad never knew how to deal with her, and even now mom gets manipulated by her (dad passed on 9 years ago). My sister's behavior basically blew apart our family of 8 in the early 90's, and much of the damage persists.  Mom is still trying to maintain the relationship with this sister, but without any background or professional guidance beyond the book I Hate You; Please Don't Leave Me, that I gave her back in the early 90's. Not sure mom ever read it - btw, that book is now way out of date and there are much better resources now that more research has been done.

It's helped me to know that heredity and brain function are the basis of much of BPD, and the techniques I learned from Stop Walking on Eggshells have been also very helpful. My approach is to set consistent limits, not respond to inflammatory statements, and to use the process of Support, Empathy, and Truth in communication. This gives the person with BPD the room they need to develop self-management skills. Tolerating abuse just enables the hateful behavior.

Because they fear abandonment, BPD's often withdraw when they experience limits from loved ones ("I'm leaving you, so you can't leave me"). That can be so hurtful - and a relief as well. I have come to think of withdrawal by a BPD person as them doing me a favor, leaving me out of their chaos as they work on themselves - or not work on themselves, as they choose.

This perspective has been a help to me, as my adult daughter is also BPD - thankfully, she is in treatment and on medication, and has a successful career and an intact long-term marriage and college-age daughter. But she can be very destructive and hurtful. This community, and the approaches I've learned from my reading, help me to re-balance and do the self-care I need to enjoy life, and be there for my loved ones.

For what it's worth, I hope this helps! Good luck as you deal with this situation; I know just how heartbreaking it can be.