My family is at a crossroads becuase of my fathers behaviour

[Depression = 72% of members]

I was refered to this messagedboard by someone who used it before and found it extremely helpful and im wondering if you could help me too. I am one of 4 children and we all grew up in a relavtively volatile houshold. My fathers was like 2 different people, at times he was a cuddly teddy bear and the kind of father anyone would wish for but often it was like a switch would flick and he would become extremely angry and aggresive. he would see red and go into a rage and me and my siblings spent most of our childhoods afraid of him and walking on eggshells around him. My response to this was to run around behind the scenes trying to keep everyone happy and everything as perfect as could be but my sister didnt have this approach. Instead when my father got angry she would lie to protect herself and as a result my father would get even angrier and so his rage was often directed at her. As well as getting violently angry, my father can be incredible controlling and manipulative. My father also has other traits of BPD, he massively overspends, often impulsively and often buys crazy things. He over eats as well. He has many many hobbies and keeps swithcing between them and he starts huge projects all the time without seeing things through like DIY projects round the house and masters degrees. He has never been officially diagnosed with anything other than depression and this diagnosis was only recent.
 
I am now in my early 20's, my sister is as well but she is a couple years younger. I am living away from home while my family are all at home in isolation. we've all been ignoring this reality for a long time but the other night my sister and my father got into a huge argument and my sister had had enough. She struggles with physical as well as mental health issues, she has anxiety and was recently diagnosed with depression and is currently in a very bad way mentally. After the argument my sister threatened to leave home, she barricaded herself in her room and the next day she sent my father an email outlining everything he had done and saying that she had enough and he could either go to therapy and they can try to work on the relationship or she was leaving the family, changing her name and living independently. I am actually really proud of my sister for finally standing up to him and it opened up a way for me to be honest with him as well. my father has officially apologised and promised to go to therapy, but he has promised this before to my mum when she said she wouldn't come back home unless he did and when i have discussed the incidents my sister brough up in the email he talks about them as if they are something he watched on tv and though he admits to using physical force he seems to always justify his actions and refers to each incident as the 1st or 2nd etc time that my sister lied. He has also kept up his manipulative and controlling behaviours, he cancelled my sisters phone contract cutting her off from her therapist and all her friends. He did restore that but when he found out that my sister had gotten her own phone contract he flew into a rage, told my mum to cut off all financial support and when she refused he left home telling her he wasnt coming back. he did however and the next mornign he was acting as if nothing happened.

I feel hopeful and that this could be the start of real change in the family and that we are at the start of a long journey that could help us all be a lot happier but we all need help and im not sure where to begin looking for it. i'm also worried that all this could get to much for my dad and that he might actually leave. My dad is a good man, he just has a lot of issues and both my parents struggled in their childhoods as well. do you have any advice or any suggestions for what we could do or where our first steps should be and how i can best support my sister? i would really appreciate any help you could give?


   

[Faustina.M]

I was refered to this messagedboard by someone who used it before and found it extremely helpful and im wondering if you could help me too. I am one of 4 children and we all grew up in a relavtively volatile houshold. My fathers was like 2 different people, at times he was a cuddly teddy bear and the kind of father anyone would wish for but often it was like a switch would flick and he would become extremely angry and aggresive. he would see red and go into a rage and me and my siblings spent most of our childhoods afraid of him and walking on eggshells around him. My response to this was to run around behind the scenes trying to keep everyone happy and everything as perfect as could be but my sister didnt have this approach. Instead when my father got angry she would lie to protect herself and as a result my father would get even angrier and so his rage was often directed at her. As well as getting violently angry, my father can be incredible controlling and manipulative. My father also has other traits of BPD, he massively overspends, often impulsively and often buys crazy things. He over eats as well. He has many many hobbies and keeps swithcing between them and he starts huge projects all the time without seeing things through like DIY projects round the house and masters degrees. He has never been officially diagnosed with anything other than depression and this diagnosis was only recent.
 
I am now in my early 20's, my sister is as well but she is a couple years younger. I am living away from home while my family are all at home in isolation. we've all been ignoring this reality for a long time but the other night my sister and my father got into a huge argument and my sister had had enough. She struggles with physical as well as mental health issues, she has anxiety and was recently diagnosed with depression and is currently in a very bad way mentally. After the argument my sister threatened to leave home, she barricaded herself in her room and the next day she sent my father an email outlining everything he had done and saying that she had enough and he could either go to therapy and they can try to work on the relationship or she was leaving the family, changing her name and living independently. I am actually really proud of my sister for finally standing up to him and it opened up a way for me to be honest with him as well. my father has officially apologised and promised to go to therapy, but he has promised this before to my mum when she said she wouldn't come back home unless he did and when i have discussed the incidents my sister brough up in the email he talks about them as if they are something he watched on tv and though he admits to using physical force he seems to always justify his actions and refers to each incident as the 1st or 2nd etc time that my sister lied. He has also kept up his manipulative and controlling behaviours, he cancelled my sisters phone contract cutting her off from her therapist and all her friends. He did restore that but when he found out that my sister had gotten her own phone contract he flew into a rage, told my mum to cut off all financial support and when she refused he left home telling her he wasnt coming back. he did however and the next mornign he was acting as if nothing happened.

I feel hopeful and that this could be the start of real change in the family and that we are at the start of a long journey that could help us all be a lot happier but we all need help and im not sure where to begin looking for it. i'm also worried that all this could get to much for my dad and that he might actually leave. My dad is a good man, he just has a lot of issues and both my parents struggled in their childhoods as well. do you have any advice or any suggestions for what we could do or where our first steps should be and how i can best support my sister? i would really appreciate any help you could give?


   

[JNChell]

Hello, Faustina.M. Don’t count on your father changing. It doesn’t happen quickly, if at all. If he has personality issues, he’s probably ingrained with them from here on out. He isn’t going to change at this stage in his life. You can run around the scenes if you’d like, but that isn’t helping anything.

When BPD is involved in family dynamics, especially with multiple siblings, it can become a mess.

Can you describe in depth where each sibling stands in all of this? What is your viewpoint?