My problem is I still love this person.

[juju2]

Thank you Skip.

I don't even know.  Am not clear.

it's a blind spot.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Carguy]

Hey Juju.

I'm so sorry to hear all you've been through lately! Sometimes life is hard but we're here for you!

I believe I'm in the same spot as you. Letting go is hard and I don't know if my ex will ever come around or try. It hurts and saddens me but I have to take care of me now. I'm coming to realize more and more how far down all this pulled me. Honestly I've only told two of my really close friends but I was at the point I was planning my own suicide. I had a plan of where and how. One night driving home I was watching the sunset and thinking about dying and for the first time in my life I felt a calm come over me. I was ok with dying. This is how horrible I felt. I'm working myself into a better mental and emotional state now but I know how hard these relationships weigh on us.

I want you to take care of you. I had lost interest in everything I loved doing but I slowly started making myself think about those things and doing those things. I'm now looking forward to them and healing my wounded soul. I hope you find those things to help with your happiness and help you heal!

[juju2]

Thank you Carguy.

I will take care of myself.

Thank you for sharing your innermost thoughts.

Am glad you are digging deep and finding things to look forward to.

It important.

Tomorrow is a new day!

juju

[hopeandbelief]

Of course you still love this person. Many of us do still love our pwBPD. I know I can't just "unlove" someone.

The real questions are do you like them? Do you like the person you see? Do you like their behaviours, habits, ways of coping? Do you like his core values? Do you like how you feel around them? Not just the highs but the lows too? If this was a new person in your life that treated you this way would you like the treatment? If you didn't love them yet would you like the relationship as it is? Would you like it and them enough to continue until the love developed? And is the person you love only the good part or do you love the bad parts of him too? And is the person you love the genuine him or the face he puts on to preform for you? A mask he wears to get his needs met. And does he meet your needs? Do you feel recognized, respected, cherished, valued, safe, satisfied? These are all components important to a sustainable relationship.

You see I love my ex dearly. I do not however like him. I love the person he tried to be...pretended to be. I love the good parts of him. In reality I even love his bad parts. I just don't like him. I love all his curves and all his edges as the song says. I just don't like his behaviour, his choices, his way of coping, his core values, his ways of treating others, his attitudes toward the world, his habits. Those I don't like at all. Still love him. Love him to the bottom of my soul. But like him nope.

So I had to choose to set him free to his own divine destiny whatever that may be. It is hard. I have to review it regularly. "I love you, I don't hate you, I just don't like you. So go in peace but do go."

Its been 5 years and I am far less close to the raw freshness of your experience so I get how gut wrenching it is. I remember how defensive I was. How I though I could make things work between us. I can do anything. I can run a marathon, build a barn, or splice DNA so surely I could do this. Nope. It was not possible.

So I let him go. It was hard. Really really hard. But I did it and now I am happy and living a lovely life. He is on his path and I am on mine. But yes I still love him. And that is ok too. 

So in the end the question isn't if we still love them but if we still like them.

Good luck on your path.

That was a beautiful post and it really got me thinking about everything I'm going through. Thank you!