Does it matter "why" they do odd/dysfunctional things?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

One..it could be deliberate, trying to make you mad or frustrated.

or

Two..they could be so dysregulated they aren't able to have any sort of "polite" conversation that conforms to any sort of social norm.

They also could be tossing out "bait" trying to get some bigger thing.

I've had a long "cruise" period of a really nice..enjoyable..relationship with my wife.  Her "reality" with how she views tax time and refunds, combined with inability to talk, hear, compromise...has left her out of sorts.

So...odd things I ignored/didn't participate in today.

She finally came in to talk and did everything "normally" (basically nice communication manners) and then I couldn't tell if she triggered the dog or if the dog started barking, which started another dog barking.  My wife insisted I keep talking, when I paused.

I said I'll wait until this is over.  Clarity..I could barely hear her insist I keep talking, we would have had to shout at each other.

So, she huffed out of the room and came back in a few.  I started talking again and in mid "listen" she got up and walked into the master bath.  I stopped talking.

She sighed..."Oh come on..you can keep talking.." she said.  

I said "I'll wait for you to be finished.  We're not in a rush."  (Note..in the old days this was a trick to be able to say later she didn't hear something or couldn't understand)

She huffed a bit and left the room.

Fast forward about 6 hours.  She comes in and is obviously trying to be nice to me.  I responded in a perky way.

I chuckled and began to relate a story about a tenant that I found ironic.  

FFw turns away from me on the couch gets up with her back turned towards me, walks across the room to a fresh pile of clothes and quickly..vigorously starts folding...all with her back turned towards me.

I asked "Are you not interested in my story?"

She avoided the question and said "I can still hear you."

I said "I'll wait until a better time for you."

She finished folding and walked from the room.

I've not seen this level of (whatever it is) in a long time.  I'm not going to "bite".

Best,

FF

[formflier]

One..it could be deliberate, trying to make you mad or frustrated.

or

Two..they could be so dysregulated they aren't able to have any sort of "polite" conversation that conforms to any sort of social norm.

They also could be tossing out "bait" trying to get some bigger thing.

I've had a long "cruise" period of a really nice..enjoyable..relationship with my wife.  Her "reality" with how she views tax time and refunds, combined with inability to talk, hear, compromise...has left her out of sorts.

So...odd things I ignored/didn't participate in today.

She finally came in to talk and did everything "normally" (basically nice communication manners) and then I couldn't tell if she triggered the dog or if the dog started barking, which started another dog barking.  My wife insisted I keep talking, when I paused.

I said I'll wait until this is over.  Clarity..I could barely hear her insist I keep talking, we would have had to shout at each other.

So, she huffed out of the room and came back in a few.  I started talking again and in mid "listen" she got up and walked into the master bath.  I stopped talking.

She sighed..."Oh come on..you can keep talking.." she said.  

I said "I'll wait for you to be finished.  We're not in a rush."  (Note..in the old days this was a trick to be able to say later she didn't hear something or couldn't understand)

She huffed a bit and left the room.

Fast forward about 6 hours.  She comes in and is obviously trying to be nice to me.  I responded in a perky way.

I chuckled and began to relate a story about a tenant that I found ironic.  

FFw turns away from me on the couch gets up with her back turned towards me, walks across the room to a fresh pile of clothes and quickly..vigorously starts folding...all with her back turned towards me.

I asked "Are you not interested in my story?"

She avoided the question and said "I can still hear you."

I said "I'll wait until a better time for you."

She finished folding and walked from the room.

I've not seen this level of (whatever it is) in a long time.  I'm not going to "bite".

Best,

FF

[UBPDHelp]

Hi FF,

Ha, idk is my best answer.

And I suspect it is different for everyone.

In short, I believe my H is void of feeling unless it is extreme. When I give a minor reaction and he’s on the edge of dysregulation, I think he does/says things to get a big reaction so he feels something. The biggest reactions come from the most insulting, scandalous things.

He is capable of normal conversation and even displays of emotion, but if he’s off kilter, that goes entirely out the window.

Will enjoy seeing what others have to say. Interesting discussion.

[UBPDHelp]

They also could be tossing out "bait" trying to get some bigger thing.

I've had a long "cruise" period of a really nice..enjoyable..relationship with my wife.  Her "reality" with how she views tax time and refunds, combined with inability to talk, hear, compromise...has left her out of sorts.

So...odd things I ignored/didn't participate in today.

She finally came in to talk and did everything "normally" (basically nice communication manners) and then I couldn't tell if she triggered the dog or if the dog started barking, which started another dog barking.  My wife insisted I keep talking, when I paused.

I said I'll wait until this is over.  Clarity..I could barely hear her insist I keep talking, we would have had to shout at each other.

So, she huffed out of the room and came back in a few.  I started talking again and in mid "listen" she got up and walked into the master bath.  I stopped talking.

She sighed..."Oh come on..you can keep talking.." she said.  

I said "I'll wait for you to be finished.  We're not in a rush."  (Note..in the old days this was a trick to be able to say later she didn't hear something or couldn't understand)

She huffed a bit and left the room.

Fast forward about 6 hours.  She comes in and is obviously trying to be nice to me.  I responded in a perky way.

I chuckled and began to relate a story about a tenant that I found ironic.  

FFw turns away from me on the couch gets up with her back turned towards me, walks across the room to a fresh pile of clothes and quickly..vigorously starts folding...all with her back turned towards me.

I asked "Are you not interested in my story?"

She avoided the question and said "I can still hear you."

I said "I'll wait until a better time for you."

She finished folding and walked from the room.

I've not seen this level of (whatever it is) in a long time.  I'm not going to "bite"

In my untrained eye, it feels like she knew she was out of sorts but not quite ready to accept responsibility for it. So, she half tried to be normal but couldn’t do it fully. So, good to not take the bait (this is always good, I’ve been super mindful in my r/s after all of you bait advice!).

You’ve had a good period and she had a trigger but it sounds like she recognizes and if you gently let her come around, it sounds like she will. Just keep sharing when ready and she’s open to receiving.  Walk away and try again when she’s not. I think you’ll get back soon enough. Continue to be your patient self and you reap the rewards.

[snowglobe]

One..it could be deliberate, trying to make you mad or frustrated.

or

Two..they could be so dysregulated they aren't able to have any sort of "polite" conversation that conforms to any sort of social norm.

They also could be tossing out "bait" trying to get some bigger thing.

I've had a long "cruise" period of a really nice..enjoyable..relationship with my wife.  Her "reality" with how she views tax time and refunds, combined with inability to talk, hear, compromise...has left her out of sorts.

So...odd things I ignored/didn't participate in today.

She finally came in to talk and did everything "normally" (basically nice communication manners) and then I couldn't tell if she triggered the dog or if the dog started barking, which started another dog barking.  My wife insisted I keep talking, when I paused.

I said I'll wait until this is over.  Clarity..I could barely hear her insist I keep talking, we would have had to shout at each other.

So, she huffed out of the room and came back in a few.  I started talking again and in mid "listen" she got up and walked into the master bath.  I stopped talking.

She sighed..."Oh come on..you can keep talking.." she said.  

I said "I'll wait for you to be finished.  We're not in a rush."  (Note..in the old days this was a trick to be able to say later she didn't hear something or couldn't understand)

She huffed a bit and left the room.

Fast forward about 6 hours.  She comes in and is obviously trying to be nice to me.  I responded in a perky way.

I chuckled and began to relate a story about a tenant that I found ironic.  

FFw turns away from me on the couch gets up with her back turned towards me, walks across the room to a fresh pile of clothes and quickly..vigorously starts folding...all with her back turned towards me.

I asked "Are you not interested in my story?"

She avoided the question and said "I can still hear you."

I said "I'll wait until a better time for you."

She finished folding and walked from the room.

I've not seen this level of (whatever it is) in a long time.  I'm not going to "bite".

Best,

FF

Ff, excellent post on how disregulating works. As part of the program that I’m in, I learnt that personality disorders RARELY! present on their own. It’s usually a comorbid diagnosis with multiple personality disorders that fall on the continuum e.g. borderline personality disorder comorbid with paranoid personality disorder (please google the criteria). When they disregulating, it’s usually a combination of internal factors (neutransmitters, triggers and feeling unsettled) combined with external environmental stimulus. Your wife is out of her element with “new elements” in place. She is teaching virtually and spends her days at home, more time to spend together- bigger the projection. She is triggered by income tax, which has always been an issue for her, actually, to be exact, the “issue of money” has been the corner stone issue in the relationships. She is fuming and needs an outlet. You aren’t baiting, which is great. read up on personality disorder, I can send some information to you, and see what else you are dealing with.

[PeteWitsend]

... When they disregulating, it’s usually a combination of internal factors (neutransmitters, triggers and feeling unsettled) combined with external environmental stimulus. Your wife is out of her element with “new elements” in place. ...

the fact that their brain chemistry is "off" would explain a lot. 

When I first learned about BPD, someone explained it to me like this: pwBPD lack the adult mental capacity to deal with "shades of gray" in a reasonable manner; everything to them is black & white, more akin to how a toddler sees the world.  An adult learns to recognize minor inconveniences for what they are, and weigh them against real problems, and manage their response to them as appropriate.  For a pwBPD, no inconvenience is ever "minor"... everything is the apocalypse. 

FF - I gotta assume Ms. FF's issues are getting exacerbated by the quarantine situation.  That coupled with yearly taxes means she's navigating especially choppy waters, so to speak.  A lot of minor inconveniences is driving her past her already weak capability to cope. 

From your story above, sounds like she just kinda "shuts down" and reverts to "conflict mode" as soon as something presents another issue to deal with (like the dogs barking).  Mental overload.   

  It’s usually a comorbid diagnosis with multiple personality disorders that fall on the continuum e.g. borderline personality disorder comorbid with paranoid personality disorder (please google the criteria).

This point is interesting; I always wondered what else I might be dealing with when interacting w/BPDxw.  If it was just a general cranky personality, I think I could've managed that.  But the way she would intentionally create conflict, especially with third parties, out of literally nothing, because she knew that would provoke an emotional response from me... that was, to me, some "next level" behavior. 

[Cat Familiar]

I had to internally laugh at some of my husband’s behavior yesterday. When I tried to start our irrigation system after the water was turned on in the irrigation ditch, I was getting extremely low pressure. It had worked perfectly until fall, when the ditch gets turned off.

The water in the ditch was flowing low, but there was no obstruction to our inlet, after I’d complained a couple of years ago, so our underground tank should have been full, since there was no visible water flow.

We had recently replaced our pump, and it sounded good, so that shouldn’t have been a problem. I thought that it might have been the pressure tank, after sitting empty all winter, and it’s getting old. But then I saw a wet spot in the horse pasture and realized we had a major leak.

I called a contractor friend, knowing he’s got a small tractor. My husband thought it could be dug by hand (of course he wasn’t doing it   ), but it proved to be too deep, so the tractor was needed.

I could imagine him getting upset as the expense mounted. Even with the tractor, finding the leak took some time. But then it was soon repaired and the water turned on, running like a geyser out of multiple hose bibs, which we ran around shutting off.

I saw my husband step in a mud puddle as he shut off one of the water outlets. He got angry because he got mud on his socks. He was wearing sandals with socks.  

“This is my life!” he shouted. Then he threw a muddy sandal and it hit the offwhite overhang in front of his studio, leaving a big muddy mark.

Victimhood 101. Who wears sandals and socks to fix an irrigation problem?  

[formflier]

I can totally see this...

In my Mom's new place (Built in the 50s) I was expecting "interesting stuff" when getting a house going again.

Turns out the plumbing drain lines were full of roots.  In this case the septic lids were close enough to the surface that we could dig by hand, open it up and with some bought parts for the pressure washer we water jetted them all out.

About half a day of water jetting.

In my case it was me and my boys doing it.  My wife took one look at it and said..."Days like today I'm glad I'm not a man... " 

Sometime this week we are going to open up the outflow side and make sure all is clear out into the drain fields, then button everything back up!

Any idea why your pipe started leaking?

Fun stuff.

Best,

FF

[Cat Familiar]

Sounds like you’re having a fun project too  

Turns out that the concrete valve box was right where the break occurred, but we didn’t see it at first as it was covered by about an inch of dirt and grass. I’ve been sticking Fiberglas poles into the cover fingerholes, just so I can find the valve boxes, otherwise they disappear and get covered up with dirt and grass growing on top.

It was a clean break about 4 feet below the surface, where the pipe for the valve T’s into the main water line. Best guess, the horse stepped on top of the concrete valve box when the ground was wet and the pipe snapped cleanly at the T.