Its been 16 days...

I feel like I am going crazy. I cant even believe what is happening in my life right now. I don't understand anything anymore. I am so broken. I am so confused. I am so lost. I dont even know what im supposed to do or what im supposed to think. I dont know what is the truth. I dont know what is a lie. I dont know where to go from here.
I have never been here before but im hoping that I can find some answers and get some advice on what to do before I lose my mind. I really cant feel like this anymore. Its painful. Here is a summary... a few years ago I met this guy through mutual friends. It was weird because he isnt my usual type, quite the opposite actually, but the second he looked at me and our eyes met, i felt something ive never felt before. Like electricity ran thru my whole body. I knew right then that i was gonna love him and I really did. We became good friends for about a year and then we started a relationship. It was a bit of a rollercoaster ride to say the least but i wasnt gettimg off that ride. Well a year into it, he went to prison. He has been there since dec 2018. I have been faithful to him and will remain faithful to him. That has never been an issue for us. Im surprised cuz he is a very jealous person but it seems that he knows im all about him and only him. Anyway...i am waiting for him and im ok with that. I dont want anyone else. This experience has been hard but we have gotten to know each other in ways we probably wouldnt have if this didnt happen. Let me just say that he has never been in trouble before and honestly he shouldnt be in trouble now because what they did to him was so wrong but thats a whole other story...anyway i want to make sure he is as good as he can be while in there so i kinda spoil him as much as i can. He is 7 hours away so i can only see him once a month. We talk on the phone twice a day, we email daily and we write letters thru the mail also. It was going very smooth for the first year. I was pretty surprised. His moods were good, we got along good, we were making the best of it. Well the last few months ive been seeing the changes in him. He was sinking and taking me with him. He was up then down then up then down, it was exhausting. Its like 2 different people. Ots hard. I never know what to expect. Then everything became a little less. Less phone time, less letters, less laughing...it made me so sad cuz there was nothing i could do. I cant see him. Cant call him. Cant touch him. Cant do anything. Then i start feeling insecure and needing reassurance that we are ok cuz i feel like he is slipping away and he gives it every time but im sure he doesnt want to keep telling me the same thing over and over. I could tell things have shifted a little. Well then a couple of weeks ago i had to fly to florida last minute cuz my dad is not well. When i told him he was not happy. its almost like he thought I was going on spring break to have fun. I was going to be quarantined. I couldnt go anywhere. I don't know if he believed me or not but it was the truth. I talked to him the night before and we were good. He said to please stop doubting us, he will never stop wanting us and be cant wait to come home so I dont have to feel like that anymore. He said i love you and he would call me tmrw. That was April 8th. He has not called me once since then. not to see if my plane landed okay, not see how my dad is, not to even see how I am. Nothing. I instantly start panicking after day 2 of nothing cuz he has never done that before. The prison won't tell me anything. His mom hasn't heard anything so I convinced myself they must be quarantined and that's why I didn't hear from him. That is the only thing that made sense. Fast forward now to this past Monday all of a sudden I get an email from him. I cannot tell you how happy I was that I was getting an e-mail. Then i opened it. This is what i got
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so what's up? OK well were do I start? OK well if u want me to tell u everything then first I want something from u. an that is I want every single title an that entire little blue folder in my mothers hands first. an that means the 2000 Suzuki gsxr the one from Florida an then the 2004 gsx that has a girls name on it an the 1986 Kawasaki 600 an the Mitsubishi gilant title which is my car title an all the receipts. once my mom has all of them an the blue folder then I'll call u an I'm not breaking up with u or anything so chill the ________ out. I just want my mother to hold them. an I don't want to hear any _____ about she's not answering or she don't want them or anything. u said u would do anything so this is what I want. an I want all of the titles given to her not some. all of them.when that is done then I'll call an talk to u.
Are you serious? I have no idea who that person is. I don't know why he is asking me to do that. I don't know where this is coming from. I hadn't heard from him in two weeks and I don't get a hi , I love you, i miss you, how are you, nothing? Well you can probably imagine I flipped out a little okay a lot and I heard nothing from him for the rest of the day. I woke up the next day to this
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i never said any of that all i said is i want my mother to have my titles. thats it. so im asking u again please just give her my titles. how did i lie or hurt u by telling u that i want my titles. thats all i said. im asking u one more time very nicely to give my mom my titles. an dont ever think that my mom will be against me. u still have al my other _____ so chill the ________ out i want my titles with my mother. thank u

Really? Well i brought the titles to his mom even tho it made me very angry. It made me angry because you don't trust me all of a sudden? For no reason whatsoever. Then he sent this

listen there is no other girl an I'm sorry that I didn't ask about ur dad or u. so how is ur dad an how are u. an I'm sorry that I asked u to do that but I'd really appreciate it if you would please take all of my titles to my mothers. they are mine not yours. an u know that. I only told you to sign them in case of some bull_____ with other people because I'm in prison an can't do anything in here. they are not yours. if u want any of this to go any farther with u then please respect my wishes. thank u

So I brought the titles to his mom's but I didn't want him to think I did it because I wanted to talk to him cuz I am not going to be manipulated like that or bribed or whatever so I told her to tell him not to call me. She did and he didnt. Now I have been a mess. Haven't gotten an email. I haven't gotten a phone call I haven't gotten anything. I don't understand. I dont know how he can do this. I'm not going to lie I bombarded his email. One's nice and then ones mean and then one's nice. He has never don't say anything like this before good I mean maybe for a day not two and a half weeks. I know there's no other girl. There's nothing that he could have heard that i did that would piss him off. Where he's at he's only allowed to talk to 3 people. His mother, his son and me. He can't even call anybody else cuz it won't let him. So I had to go back to my emails to see if I can figure out what I did that may have triggered this and I did send an email that said f you. f your stuff I don't care blah blah blah. I was mad because I was on day 2 in Florida and I still hadn't heard from him. Even still I can't see that making all this happen. I decided to start looking into the BPD cuz I really never did too much before. A little but I didn't have a lot of free time and we really didn't have any big issues that lasted long. Well this is different. He has never done this. I can't comprehend it. And I don't mean to sound like one of those people but I really have been there for him in every single way since day one. He doesn't have anybody else. we both learned real quick who the people we thought were our friends really were. Anyway before this whole virus outbreak I was working $100 a week because I lost his income they also had to you don't take care of him so that's like I had to work my ass off to make sure everybody was good and I did that without any resentment or anger or anything. I did what I need to do for us and I would keep on doing it till he came home. I did not care and I did not throw it in his face. I just don't understand why he is doing this. How can he do this? I just looked at the clock and now i feel sick. My phone time is 730. So here i am another night with no phone call. I don't know how he can sit there another night knowing it's 7:30, knowing I'm probably hoping my phone will ring, knowing I'm a mess because he left me here feeling like
A worthless piece of _____ that he just threw away like trash. How can he sit there with all this and not care? He's purposely hurting me I can't comprehend that because I do everything I can to make sure he's okay and he's doing everything he can to destroy me. Everything I've done so far I've done it the wrong way. I've apologized for every single thing I can think of that I could have possibly done to make him mad. I poured my heart out, I begged him to talk to me. I did everything i shouldnt. So now I'm trying to do the right thing and give him his space but in the back of my mind I keep thinking that he's going to think I left him and I don't want him to think I left him because I didn't. I wrote one email this morning and I said this

m going to give you the space that you need from me. i hope it isnt forever but i have to accept that it may be. i am sure my book long emails pouring all my emotions on you, is not going to make things better for either of us. i just want you to know that i love you. im here for you. im not going to keep pressuring you to talk to me but if and when u decide u want to, i will be here. its time for me to pay attention to what your needs are. i love you

I don't know if that's the right thing to say I don't know if it's the wrong thing to say I don't know what I'm supposed to do but I can't do this. Is so painful . I miss him. I'm not okay with him doing this to me. I put my life on hold for three years waiting for him and I take good care of him and I love him with everything I have in me and he just does this and it's okay? I don't know if he's going to come back to me . I don't know if he's gone forever. I don't know how I would ever get past this if he did come back to me because I will probably be paranoid every day that it's going to happen again cuz it will happen again I'm thinking. I don't know why he is not telling me anything. I just think this is so cruel to do to somebody especially somebody who is always been there for you I love you with all their heart. I can't comprehend this and I really need some help cuz im falling apart.



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