Sick Mom with BPD aggressive Dad

[Depression = 72% of members]

So I'm in a spot and I have no idea where to go.

My father is diagnosed with BPD, OCD, agoraphobia, and has been in and out of mental institutes. I realized as a little kid he has issues and my sister and I learned to cope (sorta). However, my mother has been the whipping post for over 40 years and she's about to break.

My mother is a very calm woman but in the past few years has developed severe heart issues. If her heart rate gets too high she will have a heart attack and if she gets anything worse than the flu she could easily die.

My father goes into episodes at the absolute simplest things. If you ask what he wants for lunch he'll go into a rage. If you don't he'll go into a rage. I go over to my parent's home once a week to do shopping (cause covid ) and there are at least 1-4 episodes in a 10 hour time span.

If my mother says her chest hurts he gets worse and says she's using her illness against him.  But then he'll switch an hour later and be his typical goofy fun self.   

In a few months I'll be moving cross country for a job opportunity. I won't be around to help. My father is also afraid of human interaction outside his family and has not held a job in over 20 years. He refuses therapy/lies to the therapists. He refuses to take any sort of medicine that could help but smokes a few blunts a day, which honestly makes everything worse. He has rarely been physically violent but the verbal is a daily event.

There is no talking to him. I have tried and begged.

I'm afraid for my mother's life at this point. 

I wanted to just ask for any advice as to what I can do. Should I try to talk to him more? Surprise counseling? Something else?

[DandeeD]

So I'm in a spot and I have no idea where to go.

My father is diagnosed with BPD, OCD, agoraphobia, and has been in and out of mental institutes. I realized as a little kid he has issues and my sister and I learned to cope (sorta). However, my mother has been the whipping post for over 40 years and she's about to break.

My mother is a very calm woman but in the past few years has developed severe heart issues. If her heart rate gets too high she will have a heart attack and if she gets anything worse than the flu she could easily die.

My father goes into episodes at the absolute simplest things. If you ask what he wants for lunch he'll go into a rage. If you don't he'll go into a rage. I go over to my parent's home once a week to do shopping (cause covid ) and there are at least 1-4 episodes in a 10 hour time span.

If my mother says her chest hurts he gets worse and says she's using her illness against him.  But then he'll switch an hour later and be his typical goofy fun self.   

In a few months I'll be moving cross country for a job opportunity. I won't be around to help. My father is also afraid of human interaction outside his family and has not held a job in over 20 years. He refuses therapy/lies to the therapists. He refuses to take any sort of medicine that could help but smokes a few blunts a day, which honestly makes everything worse. He has rarely been physically violent but the verbal is a daily event.

There is no talking to him. I have tried and begged.

I'm afraid for my mother's life at this point. 

I wanted to just ask for any advice as to what I can do. Should I try to talk to him more? Surprise counseling? Something else?

[Methuen]

Congratulations on the new job!  Good for you!

What does your mom want for herself truly?  Is she happy?  Is she scared?  Is she content with her life as it is?  It is possible that what you think, and what she thinks, are different.

Does she want to stay with him?  Is she co-dependent?

Would she want to leave the abuse, and live an independent life?

Has she ever thought about this?

Perhaps less drastic, but still helpful, would she be interested in seeing a counsellor/therapist?  Would she have a way of getting to appointments on her own?

From your description, it is possible that she doesn't even know what normal is in a relationship anymore.  Professional help could be "helpful" for her own health and well-being if she was open to the idea.

Talking more to your father is unlikely to help, and could potentially even make things worse.  Is there any other family nearby who can support her?  Does she have friends, or is she isolated?