Write me off due to a diagnosis of BPD?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So I am putting myself out there with this. I am sure many will initially write me off due to a diagnosis of BPD and think any approach to try to understand why my diagnosis is stigmatized it some form of manipulation. Therefore I will keep this as clear of emotional language as I can.

I will admit I have intense anger (I don't relate to the waif persona), fears of abandonment, and impulsivity. Since the age of 18 I have never been a physical altercation except when assaulted by my ex-husband to defend myself. I hold a job and have a post-graduate degree which is something apparently classically difficult for a bpd diagnosed individual to obtain. I was definitely more intense in my 20s and caused a lot of chaos. I will say that most romantic partners quickly identified my instability then and distanced themselves. That was the right move. I was very lonely and afraid of always being alone.

I had a failed marriage. I was physically assaulted repeatedly. Did I say mean things? Yes. Did we fight? Yes. But I was almost killed twice and at the end of the relationship was threatened with a gun. I only hit him once in self defense which was really ineffective as he had a foot of height on me. Leaving the marriage I think my symptoms acted up in impulsivity but I was too afraid of relationships to have another. I kept my relationships very casual until I met a guy who claimed he was a college professor with 20 years sober and a dead wife and child. None of this was true. He later claimed to be bpd but to me he appeared much closer to a NPD diagnosed individual due to the lack of empathy and focus that he was better than everyone. He also stalked me and as he fits the type of a rejected stalker is likely an Axis 2 candidate. I can link research later if one would like. I had to obtain an order of protection which he then violated.

My mentioning this is not for sympathy but for the fact that these two people with whom I shared my diagnosis concern later were the people to villianize me the most. The both likely struggle with NPD issues. My father would also do this to me and he appears to have NPD traits. It has been hard for me not to conclude that some people who villianize individuals diagnosed with BPD might not have some very troubling personality issues themselves.

I have know several people with BPD and the range from annoying to potentially dangerous. I am probably very annoying and very anxious. However, the one thing I have done is decided not to have relationships. I can't handle them and it appears the people I attract are really unhealthy. I also think when I get attached it's too much and the few healthy people who I attracted don't deserve the chaos. I try to be mindful.

So my one paragraph where I will be a little emotional is this one. I have concerns that BPD is thrown at really traumatized women whose abusers then use that against them. I am VERY concerned that NPD and ASPD is being misdiagnosed as BPD because who is going to admit they don't have empathy and are delusionally superior. I also greatly dislike calling anyone with this diagnosis crazy. I find a lot of people who did this to me were very dependent on me in some way which was also their own unhealthy behavior. I don't really buy that the majority of romantic partners were the "nice guy " trope but some are. I think there is a very anti-female aspect of this diagnosis. I also think there is a correlation between being highly empathetic and BPD. Finally, someone isn't just a diagnosis. I don't mean that in a feel goodery way; I mean that that the nine traits of BPD will show up differently in each person. Maybe some people are violent but some people also hide and just accept the risk of relationships is too great. I think there is a lot of finger blaming and lack of acknowledgement that BPD runs in dysfunctional families. I close with the fact that often we project onto others. You "feel" the BPD diagnosed individual was manipulating you so it must be true. I see how often individuals with BPD are accused of seeing their feelings as facts but every perception is subjective. Everyone's memories are greatly altered by how they feel when the situation occurred.

I believe that this will not be a popular post. Curiosity trumps judgment.

[Notallitappears]

So I am putting myself out there with this. I am sure many will initially write me off due to a diagnosis of BPD and think any approach to try to understand why my diagnosis is stigmatized it some form of manipulation. Therefore I will keep this as clear of emotional language as I can.

I will admit I have intense anger (I don't relate to the waif persona), fears of abandonment, and impulsivity. Since the age of 18 I have never been a physical altercation except when assaulted by my ex-husband to defend myself. I hold a job and have a post-graduate degree which is something apparently classically difficult for a bpd diagnosed individual to obtain. I was definitely more intense in my 20s and caused a lot of chaos. I will say that most romantic partners quickly identified my instability then and distanced themselves. That was the right move. I was very lonely and afraid of always being alone.

I had a failed marriage. I was physically assaulted repeatedly. Did I say mean things? Yes. Did we fight? Yes. But I was almost killed twice and at the end of the relationship was threatened with a gun. I only hit him once in self defense which was really ineffective as he had a foot of height on me. Leaving the marriage I think my symptoms acted up in impulsivity but I was too afraid of relationships to have another. I kept my relationships very casual until I met a guy who claimed he was a college professor with 20 years sober and a dead wife and child. None of this was true. He later claimed to be bpd but to me he appeared much closer to a NPD diagnosed individual due to the lack of empathy and focus that he was better than everyone. He also stalked me and as he fits the type of a rejected stalker is likely an Axis 2 candidate. I can link research later if one would like. I had to obtain an order of protection which he then violated.

My mentioning this is not for sympathy but for the fact that these two people with whom I shared my diagnosis concern later were the people to villianize me the most. The both likely struggle with NPD issues. My father would also do this to me and he appears to have NPD traits. It has been hard for me not to conclude that some people who villianize individuals diagnosed with BPD might not have some very troubling personality issues themselves.

I have know several people with BPD and the range from annoying to potentially dangerous. I am probably very annoying and very anxious. However, the one thing I have done is decided not to have relationships. I can't handle them and it appears the people I attract are really unhealthy. I also think when I get attached it's too much and the few healthy people who I attracted don't deserve the chaos. I try to be mindful.

So my one paragraph where I will be a little emotional is this one. I have concerns that BPD is thrown at really traumatized women whose abusers then use that against them. I am VERY concerned that NPD and ASPD is being misdiagnosed as BPD because who is going to admit they don't have empathy and are delusionally superior. I also greatly dislike calling anyone with this diagnosis crazy. I find a lot of people who did this to me were very dependent on me in some way which was also their own unhealthy behavior. I don't really buy that the majority of romantic partners were the "nice guy " trope but some are. I think there is a very anti-female aspect of this diagnosis. I also think there is a correlation between being highly empathetic and BPD. Finally, someone isn't just a diagnosis. I don't mean that in a feel goodery way; I mean that that the nine traits of BPD will show up differently in each person. Maybe some people are violent but some people also hide and just accept the risk of relationships is too great. I think there is a lot of finger blaming and lack of acknowledgement that BPD runs in dysfunctional families. I close with the fact that often we project onto others. You "feel" the BPD diagnosed individual was manipulating you so it must be true. I see how often individuals with BPD are accused of seeing their feelings as facts but every perception is subjective. Everyone's memories are greatly altered by how they feel when the situation occurred.

I believe that this will not be a popular post. Curiosity trumps judgment.

[Notallitappears]

Deleted

[Notallitappears]

Delete

[Notwendy]

Since this is a forum for people who have a relationship ( family, partner, etc) with someone who has BPD, I don't know how the moderators will handle this post- not because pwBPD aren't welcome, but because this is a forum where people feel safe to vent about their struggles and I think it can be quite upsetting for someone with BPD.

So a few things about this. First, if this forum is for a specific group of people, surely there is only their perspective here. Not their partners, so it could not possibly show the full picture.

However, it isn't a forum just for complaints. Many of us here believe that if a relationship involves two people, it isn't just the other person's fault. We uphold the idea that the pwBPD isn't here- they are, and so turn the discussion towards "what can you do to improve the situation" not "lets all blame the pwBPD.

Being in a relationship with someone with BPD is tough. I also think it's tough for the pwBPD. I don't think it's right to write anyone off. We don't make diagnosis, sometimes the person has a professional diagnosis and sometimes they don't. But the bottom line isn't about the pwBPD,  it's about the person posting and how they can possibly make their situation better.

Sometimes the partner also has issues to work on. They might have come from a difficult family situation or be co-dependent, and we try to encourage them to get support for their own traits.

One thing to keep in mind is that, even if it is difficult to be in a relationship with someone with BPD, many people here plan to stay committed to that relationship, as best they can.

I have a severely BPD mother. My issues with her are not her diagnosis but that she is emotionally abusive to me. It's hard but she's my mother and I don't want to just discount her. Still, I have to find a way to treat her kindly without allowing her to abuse me.

I also suspect she had a difficult childhood and was probably abused herself. It's well known that abuse then can carry on to the next generation. I don't see her as a bad person. I feel sad for her that she experienced that. My family of origin is dysfunctional and I believe hers was too. When she's manipulative, it's probably due to her being anxious and so she feels better when she is in control. I get that. She will rage at me, and then be afraid of abandonment.

I also agree that it is hard to distinguish BPD from NPD and other disorders.

For me, learning about her diagnosis wasn't about labeling her. It was a light in the tunnel for me because then I had answers to why she acts this way. It gave me the chance to learn how to relate to her better. Our relationship has less drama now. It has limitations due to her issues, but there is less stress and arguing when I can understand her better.

I hope this helps you to see why many of us are here. It's not to be hurtful to pwBPD, it's to  hopefully help. But sure- we sometimes need to vent, and it's a place where we can do that, and get support. Take care.

[Cat Familiar]

I am very sorry to hear that things have been so difficult for you with your previous relationships and with your father. I agree with much of what you’ve said.

In the past, BPD was considered a “female disorder” but now it’s recognized that it manifests slightly differently in men. I agree that many people with NPD could be miscategorized as BPD, but often these disorders can be comorbid.

Yes, many people with BPD find themselves in an abusive relationship with an NPD.

Technically personality disorders are not mental illness, but people, as you know, often sloppily will categorize any behavior they find troubling as “crazy.”

Yes, personality disorders tend to run in families and many of us, myself included, who’ve grown up with a parent with a PD have entered into relationships with partners with personality disorders.

And, as Notwendy mentioned, this is a board for those of us who have a relationship with someone with a personality disorder to try and untangle our confusion and misunderstanding. Certainly there can be uncomfortable feelings shared as we do so. But if we didn’t care about our loved ones, we wouldn’t have the motivation to try and understand them.

This site is a support group for those who are or were in a relationship with a person with BPD, so many of the posts can be triggering to a BPD sufferer. There are resources of the type you're seeking. Please check out Resources for BPD Sufferers

I wish you well on your journey.