Ready to divorce

[confusedmother]

After having our daughter three years ago, I began to notice my husband's behavior would become irrational, explosive and abusive, seemingly out of nowhere. I always came up with an excuse as to why our arguments would quickly escalate (lack of sleep, money issues, etc),  to the point of him breaking things, verbally abusing me and threatening to take our daughter away if I didn't "fix things" or apologize for something I had said. Often it was just my mood that would set him off, whether or not I was really upset about something or not. It's taken extreme episodes at the end of last year (suicide threats) for me to finally sift through his gaslighting and projecting and realize it's not me, after all, who has a problem. I knew a little bit about his physical and emotional abuse as a child but it wasn't until 6 months ago when his father shared more of his past that I understood the magnitude of what my husband experienced. Since the beginning of this year, I told my husband that he needed to seek therapy or my daughter and I were going to move out. He's been seeing a therapist about his trauma but I don't believe he's disclosed (admitted) his other behaviors. He was living with a friend until the pandemic started, at which point I let him back in the house, but as of a week ago, after another episode, I told him he had to leave and go stay with his father. I agreed to couples counseling but haven't felt love or trust for my husband in a long time and don't know if I really want to work things out with him. He seems open to working on his BPD but I don't feel like I owe him the patience and understanding it would take to stay together and help him. I've been believing his accusations and taking the blame for a long time and I can't let my daughter bare witness to the abuse any longer. While recently learning of his BPD has certainly explained a lot, it doesn't excuse his behavior. I fear my guilt about being a good wife has kept me here this long, but I also feel badly for walking away from someone who is clearly sick. The last thing I want to do is break apart our family. My husband is not a bad person, but I haven't felt like I've known who he is for a long time. Any thoughts/advice would be greatly appreciated.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

What happend in last week's episode?

This is so hard to deal with, and more so given the stress on us all with the virus and lockdowns.

Have you reached out to a therapist? It sounds like you and your daughter are safe for now, yes?

[confusedmother]

Last week's episode was pretty mild, compared to most. After spending all day being upset that we couldn't finish a conversation we started at breakfast (the reality of having a 3 yr old) he spent the afternoon screaming at me in the front yard in front of our daughter and neighbor. He was livid that I had accused him of stomping around the house (an effort on my part to get him to see how he acts when he's upset) and insisted that he wasn't. Even after I apologized several times, he continued to berate me and threatened to leave me. After I put my daughter to sleep he spent the next several hours demanding that we talk, even though I told him that I didn't think what he was doing was actually trying to converse and I didn't want to sit there being yelled at. Finally, I told him I was going to bed at which point he took my laptop from me, called me several terrible things, threatened to divorce me and blocked me from going up the stairs. After I finally managed to get into bed he came up twice to shove me, turn the light on and demand that we talk. He came back at 6:30am the next morning and woke me up with the same nonsense. When I told him I didn't want to talk to someone who treated me that way, he became even more angry and threatened to leave with our daughter.

Like I said, that paled in comparison to Christmas day when I screamed out my window for help from my neighbor because he was hitting his head against the wall, punching himself and not letting me down the stairs "unless I threw him down the stairs to kill him".

I've been so confused for so long, mostly in part because I had been trying hard to see my part in things. I believed him when I said I had hormonal issues or that I was contributing to our fights just as much as he was. But when I finally stopped reacting, I came to see that he escalates things all by himself and all the yelling I was doing was just trying to get him to stop. I've called the police twice in the last year just because he wouldn't stop yelling.

This is all so new -- learning about BPD, believing that I'm not in fact crazy and mostly learning how to deal with my guilt of subjecting my daughter to all this for so long. I started seeing a therapist several months ago as well as attending some alanon meetings.

My husband said he's ready to get serious help and promises that he'll be drastically different, but I just don't believe him. I believe that he really does want to change, and I wonder if us both understanding our situation in terms of him having a mental illness will help? I also don't know that I should stick around to find out.

He found an apartment in town to rent starting in a couple weeks and I told him he should take it. We had our first couples therapy session a few days ago, but afterwards I told him that I want to use the time to get help with moving forward separately. He's begging me to not give up on him and 'break up our family' but I don't know that I have a choice. I'm tired of being a doormat but I'm also struggling with the guilt of leaving someone who's so sick.

Thanks for listening.

[Turkish]

There's a lot going on here,  confusedmother, but I'm glad that you're safe. One of the most basic communication tools here is SET (Support, Empathy, Truth). See also the link to that discussion at the end. 

I imagine it would be hard in the face of instability, but it might help dampen conflict.

My concern is also for your safety. Have you considered reaching out to local DV recources? They have anonymous lines you can call just to talk to get local support.