Feeling thankful to be away from the unpredictable anger

[l8kgrl]

This afternoon I was feeling sad about my ex-bf (uBPD) again and decided to journal a little. Reflecting on the last few months of our relationship, I count at least 9 huge fights from mid Oct-Dec. I'm sure I'm forgetting some.

Such a reality check when I start going down that path of missing him or questioning myself for breaking up.

Just a few highlights:

- Halloween night, we went out to a bar. He was upset (not at me initially) and went off on a tirade for about an hour. When I eventually expressed that I was getting tired of listening, it turned into a yelling fight at the bar that escalated when we got home. He kept me up til 3am; he was screaming in rage for literally hours. At one point he kicked the door off the bathroom cabinet and wouldn't let me even go in the next room to calm down. I was sobbing and was really scared.

- A few days later on my birthday, he started another fight, accusing me of being unsupportive for saying something he had said himself just the previous day.

- A week later we were out at a concert and went to grab a drink afterwards, which ended up in a fight over the stupidest thing ever. Another yelling fight in public. He was so mean and condescending (I hated having these fights in public, so humiliating)

- When we were on a trip with our kids, he started a fight in the cafe of a children's museum, yelling at me in front of everyone. He ended up leaving me there with all of the kids while he went to a bar to drink  and watch football. That same weekend he started another fight (with all the kids in earshot), berating me over my parenting (my kids were "spoiled" bc they wanted to watch a particular TV show)

- He was supposed to spend Xmas with me and my kids, but left in a huff on Xmas Eve bc my kids supposedly weren't friendly enough to him. On Christmas Day (he came back), we got into another huge blowout fight.

- On New Year's Eve (again out of town with all our kids), we had a lovely evening, then seriously like 3 minutes after kissing to ring in the new year, he was again screaming at me for a misunderstanding about our plans.

This is just a small sampling. I think I have been in like 3 yelling fights in my entire life before this relationship. I am a very calm person.

What kills me is that I (thought I) was in love with this guy, and was still so sad to break up. But when I sit and look at this rationally, it was such an incredibly toxic and stressful situation. It's amazing how the frog doesn't realize it's starting to boil when the heat gets turned up slowly.

I wish I felt angrier at him. He really hurt me.

[daze507]

My ex had this particularly that she would never fight in public, no way, the way other people perceived her was top one priority for her, she had to be the super perfect person at all time.
It's funny because, when I met her I told her I hated people who worn masks and were not themselves, to that she answered "yes, me too!" What an irony.
What was incredible was how fast she could change her personality. Like, we were in a pub and she was all smily and chatty with everyone me included and the second we were were in private, her face changed from angel to demon version and I knew I was good for an evening of drama.
We all tend to remember the "good them" and the "good moment" then it makes us sad and we fall back in the "it's my fault, I should have done this or that, I couls have saved it if" but nothing could be more wrong. The reality is that eventually we are far better off without them. We lived a dream that has been followed by a nightmare, let's never forget the nightmare part.

[l8kgrl]

Well said, Daze. You're right, we do tend to remember the "good them" and turn it back on ourselves - what did we do wrong, etc.

It's just hard to wrap your head around the dichotomy...how can someone be both sweet and loving and also abusive and manipulative? It's so confusing.

It's funny, you mentioned how your ex was primarily concerned with her public image. My ex was also obsessed with what people thought of him. He could go on for an hour about some random interaction with a stranger, why didn't they like him, etc. And yet he had no issue with screaming at me on a sidewalk as people walked past. He seemed to worry much more about strangers' reactions than mine.

It's hard not to feel ashamed for being so needy that I stuck around for that behavior. Forces me to face some painful truths about myself.

[daze507]

You know, if it's true that we should have set boundaries and leave when it was clear enough they had severe mental issues it also tells us that we really believed in something good and meaningful.
The fact that we are still here writting about it says a lot too.
We have to cope with this huge delusion. Is there something harder than acknowledging the fact that the person we were in love with never really existed and that this same person purely and simply erased us from their lives, minds and everything else?
It's a so much to take for a sensitive person.
So because of how we are, definitely not the bad persons our BPDs painted us into, quite the opposite actually, we can't accept these facts and tend to think we are the only cause becaus... How can it be? How can these beautiful moments, persons and plans for the future just be a fantasy in our past, no more no less?
We don't accept because we loved them so much and these idiots don't have a single no clue.
We have to accept, one way or another, we have to, it's the only way forward.

[Gauche]

I have noticed in my current relationship that the delusion is manifested in social media.

When I read my GFs posts on FB or IG, I see this beautiful loving person who talks about love and relationships and feelings. She is sweet and tender and open.
But in our direct relationship, she is incapable of expressing any of that to me. Is her social media personality her creating a false persona? or is that who she wants to be, and is, but cannot personally express it in a real relationship? Or is it just me? Does she just not feel those things about ME?

[daze507]

Is her social media personality her creating a false persona? or is that who she wants to be, and is, but cannot personally express it in a real relationship? Or is it just me? Does she just not feel those things about ME?

As you probably already know, BPDs mirror and replicate a lot, they are very good at it, in fact it's how they survive in society and how you even see them as totally regular person... Until you have to deal with the not so regular part.
BPDs are incapable of seeing love like an adult, for them it's not a two way reciprocation of feelings, no, for them it's a need, that's why they idealise you. You fulfill their need hence you're the perfect one, until you're not anymore.
Imagine a toddler, you give him a new toy, he will be super excited about it, will grasp it and will play frenetically with it, he's super happy. He won't wonder if it was hard for you to get it, in fact he won't even thank you for it. Then he will be bored and his need won't be fulfilled anymore so what will he do? He will ask you for a new and better one and if you don't provide, he will throw a tantrum.
This is basically what you have to deal with currently, you were the prefect toy and the provider of it at the same time, the toy isn't perfect anymore, you are the one to be blamed for that.
It has nothing to do with you. Again, the BPD only loves what he feels, it takes him out of his everyday hell, if this is not provided he gets very angry and toxic because you are responsible and you have to share his pain.
If the BPD is aware, with therapy and a lot willpower he can get out of this hell but it takes years. In the meantime, you will have to have a very thick skin and a lot of patience, if you are not discarded before.

[Lucky Jim]

- Halloween night, we went out to a bar. He was upset (not at me initially) and went off on a tirade for about an hour. When I eventually expressed that I was getting tired of listening, it turned into a yelling fight at the bar that escalated when we got home. He kept me up til 3am; he was screaming in rage for literally hours. At one point he kicked the door off the bathroom cabinet and wouldn't let me even go in the next room to calm down. I was sobbing and was really scared.

Hey 18kgrl, Your story (above) is all too familiar to me.  I spent many a night embroiled in similar rage marathons.  My BPDxW would chase me around the house and wouldn't allow me to sleep.  I shudder to look back on those nightmarish episodes.  My life was like a Stephen King movie!

I agree with daze507: eventually we come to the conclusion that we are better off without them.

I think you are wise to journal.  You're right: you were in an "incredibly toxic and stressful situation."  I'm a calm person, too, but everyone has their limits.

LJ

[clvrnn]

When I read my GFs posts on FB or IG, I see this beautiful loving person who talks about love and relationships and feelings. She is sweet and tender and open.
But in our direct relationship, she is incapable of expressing any of that to me. Is her social media personality her creating a false persona? or is that who she wants to be, and is, but cannot personally express it in a real relationship? Or is it just me? Does she just not feel those things about ME?

This stood out. My ex is a singer/songwriter, and uses social media to post her music. She writes a LOT about love, relationships, etc. Most of her songs are themed around a partner who doesn't call on time, cheats, causes pain, etc - with her being the 'victim' who is waiting around, wanting to be loved. It really stood out to me - in our relationship there was almost zero affection, zero discussions of love, etc. It felt almost like a friendship.

I often wonder what that's about - is the public persona something they wish they were, want to be, or something else? It makes no sense.

[l8kgrl]

Clevrnn, I can relate. When you see a loving side of your partner in one realm but they don't express it in their interactions with you, it's hard not to feel like it's some lack in us that is making us unlovable. But don't make it about that. Your gf sounds like she isn't capable of expressing that kind of feeling in an intimate r/s...that's sad for her but says nothing about you. Don't let it cause you to start questioning yourself.

LJ, I'm sorry you experienced the same kinds of rages. It's really damaging. I'm realizing that it is going to take a little time to process - I didn't fully feel it all at the time bc I was too busy trying to make things work and not upset him - to bend myself into some kind of shape that would make him happy. Which turned out to be impossible. I'm glad you have moved on from your toxic situation as well!

[teawoman5]

This afternoon I was feeling sad about my ex-bf (uBPD) again and decided to journal a little. Reflecting on the last few months of our relationship, I count at least 9 huge fights from mid Oct-Dec. I'm sure I'm forgetting some.

It sounds like you definitely did not make a mistake in ending this relationship. Sometimes we need to hear that many times to believe it. I know it's hard because the good times were so good. But the fights are just as much of a reality unfortunately. I think you did the right thing and your future self will thank you.

What kills me is that I (thought I) was in love with this guy, and was still so sad to break up. But when I sit and look at this rationally, it was such an incredibly toxic and stressful situation. It's amazing how the frog doesn't realize it's starting to boil when the heat gets turned up slowly.

I wish I felt angrier at him. He really hurt me.

I can relate. The break up felt awful despite all the toxic behavior my BPD ex put me through. I never thought I would put up with those things but like you I still loved the person I knew (I also had no idea what BPD was at the time). We all have different reasons for staying and it's important not to shame yourself, whatever they are. The good thing is eventually you realized the water was boiling and got out!

I am also finding it hard to access that anger I think I should feel. I mostly just see him as someone who is seriously disordered and I don't feel sorry for him after being on the receiving end of the horrible behavior.

[PeteWitsend]

This afternoon I was feeling sad about my ex-bf (uBPD) again and decided to journal a little. Reflecting on the last few months of our relationship, I count at least 9 huge fights from mid Oct-Dec. I'm sure I'm forgetting some.

Such a reality check when I start going down that path of missing him or questioning myself for breaking up.

...

Journaling really is key; if you're like me, your optimistic side glosses over a lot of the bad, and you can forget how miserable things have been.  And then, after a huge fight, it all comes back and you kick yourself how you could've let your guard down. 

When I looked back at my journal, even months I remembered as generally peaceful were filled with fighting and many days of silent treatment, typically between 40% to 50% of time.  In a 30 day period, we'd be fighting/not speaking 12-14 days.  Generally more during holidays.  Christmases were usually the worst. 

Over the last year of our marriage, all our date nights would break down into fights.  In each case, it would go south suddenly, and out of the blue.  I always wondered what the heck could've been going through her mind at the moment she decided to snap: did her brain chemistry just get imbalanced?  Did she see people out having fun and wish she was single again?  Did she "project" and think I wished I was single again, and then get mad at me? 

Very unsettling.  I remember her behavior would catch other people off guard too; we probably looked like a happy couple to most people, and then hearing her snap, or throw something at me & turn her back, etc. shocked them, and they'd spend the rest of the time trying to avoid eye contact with us.  I used to want to say to her "What do you think this is accomplishing, besides making me so miserable I want to leave you and never look back?"

[l8kgrl]

It sounds like you definitely did not make a mistake in ending this relationship. Sometimes we need to hear that many times to believe it. I know it's hard because the good times were so good. But the fights are just as much of a reality unfortunately. I think you did the right thing and your future self will thank you.

Teawoman, thanks for this - I needed it today. I was doing really pretty well the last several days - feeling better than I have in weeks - but kept getting triggered today. Then looked at his online activity tonight and saw that he seems to be dating the same woman he started seeing within a couple of weeks of our breakup. I was doing really well at resisting looking, I don't know why I did that to myself again. UGH!

Pete, your last year sounds pretty miserable. It's strange how our mind can play tricks on us and cause us to convince ourselves that it really wasn't that bad. You're right that having journal documentation is helpful! What I really wish I had was video of some of these fights - I think watching that would be the perfect way to remind myself why I made the right decision.

This may sound crazy, but sometimes I wish I had stayed longer so that it got even worse. With the boyfriend I dated before BPD ex, we recycled multiple times to the point that it was fairly easy to let go. Like we pulled the bandaid off soo slowly instead of ripping it off. But by the time we finally ended for good, I had pretty much let go.

ExBPD and I did have a very rough few months leading up to the breakup, but I was also still very emotionally attached to him and really didn't want to break up - I only did bc he wouldn't acknowledge that he had any issue. Maybe if I had stuck around longer I would have been miserable enough that breaking up would be easier. I have to keep reminding myself that a trauma bond is not the same a loving attachment...

[Cromwell]

Over the last year of our marriage, all our date nights would break down into fights.  In each case, it would go south suddenly, and out of the blue.  I always wondered what the heck could've been going through her mind at the moment she decided to snap: did her brain chemistry just get imbalanced?  Did she see people out having fun and wish she was single again?  Did she "project" and think I wished I was single again, and then get mad at me? 

Hi Pete,

But Did you ever feel this way yourself? 

With every date turned into argument, seeing other couples out having fun.

[Lucky Jim]

I used to want to say to her "What do you think this is accomplishing, besides making me so miserable I want to leave you and never look back?"

Hey Pete, I refer to this as one of the paradoxes of BPD: those w/BPD fear abandonment, yet behave in ways that will drive you away, bringing about the result they seek to avoid.

LJ

[PeteWitsend]

Hi Pete,

But Did you ever feel this way yourself?  

With every date turned into argument, seeing other couples out having fun.

I did, yeah.  Early on in our marriage I sometimes regretted getting married and saying goodbye to the bar scene and my friends.  We found out she was pregnant, like a week after I proposed, so we never really had a honeymoon period... it was immediately into the stress of pregnancy, then childbirth, post-partum issues, etc.  

All the while, BPDxw made it extra hard for me to spend time with my friends, but I never complained, and was a pretty committed husband and father.  for the first couple years of marriage, I was generally happy, looking forward to the rest of my life, and figured putting time in now with a family would pay off when my kids were older and I was still only in my late 40's/early 50's... we could travel, enjoy ourselves, etc.  To say it another way: I still believed in her, trusted her, and made excuses for her behavior. 

There were some extreme flare ups from her during this time, but nothing like the regular, almost bi-weekly fights and long periods of silent treatment that became the norm during our second year of marriage.  Maybe that first year WAS the honeymoon period...?  But if so, it wasn't very sweet. 

after things between us were irretrievably broken in my mind, due to her behavior, baseless & continuous accusations against me, and her efforts to drive my family away from us and our kids, I was resigned to the fact that she was always going to be difficult, never understanding, and always demanding perfection from me, while not controlling her own behavior.

When we went out on dates, I still never let on about that; I always took pains to reassure her, and make sure my attention was focused on her when we went out, knowing that an odd glance at other women/couples would provoke anger from her.  I think she already had her mind made up that I was a bad guy, and was going to cheat and leave her, and so that was her reality.  Basically, I tried to be a good husband throughout the marriage.  I never flirted with other women, I never hit on other women, I didn't even talk about other women, regrets of mine, etc. around her, as it would often lead to a fight, and days of silent treatment (this was not reciprocated; SHE would go on about her ex-boyfriends and constantly complain about what other women had, of course)

I think Lucky Jim's comment kinda ties my next thought to this...

Hey Pete, I refer to this as one of the paradoxes of BPD: those w/BPD fear abandonment, yet behave in ways that will drive you away, bringing about the result they seek to avoid.

LJ

When I went to see a T, about 3 1/2 years into marriage, she told me that in cases like mine, paradoxically people who are afraid of being abandoned will often do things that turn it into reality, so they can feel "correct" about the situation.  Their paranoia, anxiety, and insecurity leaves them desperately seeking some sort of validation.  

To this end, I don't really know what I could have done differently, and frankly, after making what I considered a good faith effort to take her complaints at face value and try to reassure her, only to be met with further and even more heated conflicts and accusations, I stopped caring.  

I realized that even if I followed all the recommendations in books and websites like this one, validating her views, listening with empathy, etc., i might be able to occasionally reduce short term conflict, but all I was doing in the long term was setting myself up for a lifetime of misery, cut off from family and friends, moving backward in my own career (she would push me to make more money and "network," but would pick on me for working long hours or getting lunch and drinks with coworkers or acquaintances), and being a poor role model for my sons, showing them that it was okay to let someone violate your boundaries consistently, and treat you like a doormat.  No thanks!

[l8kgrl]

When I went to see a T, about 3 1/2 years into marriage, she told me that in cases like mine, paradoxically people who are afraid of being abandoned will often do things that turn it into reality, so they can feel "correct" about the situation.  Their paranoia, anxiety, and insecurity leaves them desperately seeking some sort of validation.  

This is really such a sad thing. I think my ex-bf totally fits into this. In his mind, (almost) everyone in his life has done him wrong. He totally sabotaged our r/s with his frequent anger/rage, but couldn't see or accept his role. I'm sure I'm now the "bad guy" even though I would have done anything for him.

I should be thankful that someone else is now putting up with the stress, but honestly, I still miss him and am still grieving the loss of what I thought would/could be.

[PeteWitsend]

...

I should be thankful that someone else is now putting up with the stress, but honestly, I still miss him and am still grieving the loss of what I thought would/could be.

I think the advice we often receive from well-meaning people, to be optimistic and focus on the "bright side" is unhelpful when considering BPD relationships; the reality is the stress & the conflict they create.  That's who they really are. 

The behavior at the beginning of the relationship, the sweet comments, statements of affection and commitment, assurances that you're "different than the others" and "you're the one"... those are bait to get you to drop your defenses and commit.  The reality of what they're like inside only reveals itself after you commit. 

I remember very little of the good times; and of the good times, I see them all as very hollow; I don't see how she could mean the sweet things she would say and do when contrasted with the nasty conduct, and the depths & intensity of the fights she would provoke and her anger in them.