Should I tell my mom that I am leaving because of her?

[ylime]

So my mom is uBPD and abuses alcohol, which generally means that she is just inconsistent and inattentive. During the past few months of coronavirus stuff, I (a college student) returned home and fell back into a pattern where I am basically fixing her messes, taking care of my 11 y/o sister physically and emotionally, and just generally have been trying to self-soothe. Understandably, I am tired. I have come up with a way for me to go back to where I live during the school year for about a week while my sister can stay with a family member, meaning I can actually relax a little bit.

I think this arrangement was an easy sell because I framed it as "We all just need a break" without telling my mom explicitly that the break is from her. This feels a little unsatisfying, though, because I am just so tempted to tell her (for the millionth time) the anger and hurt that is causing me to leave. But I know that this will likely ruin my plan for my sister because her defensiveness might make her retaliate by refusing to let her go.

Has anyone ever experienced similar situations in which expressing your feelings felt impossible or the worse option? Is there a way or time to tell her without causing too much damage? Am I just asking the wrong questions?

[Harri]

Hi.

I am glad to hear you will be able to get a break.  It sounds like you could all use one.  I can feel the hurt and frustration you reference and I can relate.   

I think this arrangement was an easy sell because I framed it as "We all just need a break" without telling my mom explicitly that the break is from her. This feels a little unsatisfying, though, because I am just so tempted to tell her (for the millionth time) the anger and hurt that is causing me to leave. But I know that this will likely ruin my plan for my sister because her defensiveness might make her retaliate by refusing to let her go.

You said that it feels unsatisfying to not tell her how you are feeling.  I think that is something to take a close look at here.  If your motivation is to make yourself feel better and get rid of excess frustration and hurt, will telling her accomplish that in a longterm and meaningful way for you?  

I try to imagine these sorts of conversations with me being on the receiving end of such a message.  How would you feel to be told such a thing?  what would make it easier for you to hear and respond in a healthy way?  What would make it harder?  What factors are present in the current situation with your mom that would make the outcome good?  And by good I mean other than speaking 'your truth' as a pressure release for pent up hurt and anger?  

Don't get me wrong though.  There are plenty of times when I had/have spoken up, not held back and have taken a stand, being "true to myself and my feelings".  At the time it was all I knew and at the time and for a while later it felt good (for me).  Years later I have learned more and changed and now my first question is usually "To what end?"  and is this something that is in line with the person I want to be and is it consistent with my values.  There are lots of variables that I consider, those are merely 2 of them.  

Lets talk about it.

[HappyChappy]

Is there a way or time to tell her without causing too much damage?

I got stuck with that quandary for a long time. The release for me was convincing myself there was absolutely no point confronting my BPDu mum. As Harri says "to what end" It sounds like you’re half way to accepting that point yourself. There is a technique (I think it's called Gestalt but check) which my qualified therapist said you need a qualified therapist to do properly. But you basically put a doll in a chair and talking to it as if it’s your mother so you can be heard. Also writing a list of every miss justice the dealt you, also means they didn't fully get away with it. It helped me. Also detail what frustrates you on here, it's only human to want to be heard and lets face it, most of us deserve a medal for what we've been through. Be good to yourself.