Zurab
Fewer than 3 Posts
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: marries
Posts: 1
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« on: May 28, 2020, 06:04:43 AM » |
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Hello everyone, I am writing from Republic of Georgia(Not state of Georgia) , I am not native English speaker, I will do my best sorry if there are any typos.
So, I am married with My wife for 4 years. We have been dating for 3-4 years before marriage too. During our marriage I (with my initiative) divorce her, 1.5 years ago, but lately after 5-6 months agreed to restart living together. One of the reasons that took me to divorce her has been that I thought she had depression and needed help from psychology/psychotherapist, but she has been constantly rejecting this idea, finally after several months of arguing , fighting, shouting to each other I decide to divorce. Then after 6 month she came to me, said that I was right and she was ready to cure and even was ready to took some pills. I agreed and she started visiting psychotherapists. She was told that she had chronic depression that was caused in childhood, she took some medicines, used to talk talk with psychologists and so on. I have been encouraging her very very much and finally after several months she has been better.
Right now , we are waiting for child(this is first child, we have been curing with that problem too), She is 4 months pregnant.
During curing with phycos I never believed that she had depression in the way depression is known, I thought that she just had obsession with me and I, recently very accidentally found the BPD, have read stop walking on eggshells and found that even today she has these BDP symptoms for example:
1. Fear of abandonment - even I am 10 minutes late from work she gets depressed. Am I late for half an hour from friends? she gets depressed and so on.
2. Unstable relationships- she has very limited number of friends. Even though she is working in same company form 2years she know only 2-3 persons not more than that. she has 2 friends in the city very we live and when these friends invite her for coffee for example and she finds that there are other friends off them she refuses to go. She has always problem at work, had problem in university in terms of relationship.
3. Unclear or shifting self-image - she definitely does not have a clear idea of who she is or what she wants from life. before she started the work I thought the problem was that, because of that she was not working and was not busy- she was kinda lost. but now she continued studying ( With my insistence and help) , works, is pregnant but still she does not know what she want. She is naturally beautiful but does not try to look beautiful and she blames me, That My existence does not allow her to look more solid, more like woman and beautiful. She needs 24/7 attention like toddler.
4. She had Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors, she's been trying to harm me or otherwise her, but now I do not allow these behaviors, am more strict and this actually helps.
5.She has very very Extreme emotional swings and Explosive anger- one moment she feels happy another moment depressed. She has very irrational emotions on different things, for example she can cry on something that really is not a problem with common understanding or burst into emotions from movie that is not emotionally at all. Her level of controlling emotions is 0. I try not to trigger and this helps, she gradually calms down and things are control once more.
Above, I just wanted to explain why I think she has symptoms of BDP. Right now I googled and there is just one therapist that works on BDP-s in my country. This is not well known here but finally my goal is take her to that therapist. As I mentioned up, I think she has kind of Obsession to me. She does not want me to pay any kind of attention to anybody(we do not know the gender of child yet, but she wants boy because she thinks that if we have girl, she will take a lot of my attention from her . she told me that), not to my father, sisters, friends and so on. It is not matter of betrayal or something like that, she knows I will never every betray, that's why I think she has obsession to me. She does not even try to be interesting person to me , to her friends or to anyone. It is almost impossible to speak with her about anything, for example about books(she does not read them) movies, Tv series, sport, art - I mean on anything. I am interested in lot of things, in lot. So when I am with somebody with her of my friend and am speaking about something she does not like that.Later on she always says that I am so interesting to others while she is not.when I speak about that and finally explaining that it is not my fault and that I will help if she wants, she refuses. one more example, during this pandemic I have been working from home and any time my any c0-worker or any contractor called me (no matter man or woman) she immediately used to get depressed. last time 2 days ago, when this happened I spoke very carefully to her that is not normal and so on, and her final words has been like that: ,, I know it is not normal, I am not jealous but still I don't like that someone calls you, after all I do not trust you''( I forgot, She never trusts me , god knows reason, but swear I never gave any reasonable reason).
Right now we have ,,imaginary'' calm situation at home, namely because I deleted my FB account(she was always depressed when I was in Fb), I see friends very rarely, and even I see them, it is very short visit. I am trying to show less interest in conversations(such as about football(which I love very much) with her friend's husband). never go to any party that my company has. I am blocking unknown numbers when coming home from Work, and try to be at home.
I know this is not normal from my side and sure am not going to continue like that, I want my life back, but I do not want divorce her once more(okay I mentioned just negatives about her but still there are reason to love her), also I do not want to threaten her with divorce( I guess this kind of people are very afraid of loneliness) in order to gain some positives, I think it is not morally true. Actually I can be tougher to change radically my life but think it will trigger her emotions and will not be productive. I think to gradually explain to her and form time to time be more strict or have bigger boundaries with her. Finally I want to to take her to BPD therapist.
What do you think guys, please advise me something, how to take my life back and not to divorce her. Thanks
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